Chrono Compendium
Bend of Time - Inactive Projects => Darkness Beyond Time - Dead Project Discussion => Project ZEAL => Topic started by: ZeaLitY on November 01, 2004, 01:36:28 pm
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Unless the Writing Critique thread is expanded, we can use this to post rough drafts or merely present scenes piecemeal for commentary. I'm at school right now, and need a place to post some writing.
~
This scene happens after the jailbreak, and precedes the meet at the EoT.
The End of Time
Its observers and visitors long knew that the hourglass from which each aeon granule could be viewed contained a pedestal on one side, having a special purpose; often emanating the most jovial spirits, it was the chamber of time's second god -- who accompanied the Watcher -- and served as a repository for combative knowledge and training, a sort of preparations should a visitor ever decide to return to the shifting sands of epochs. As the main architecture selected by the Guru from Zeal, it was shrouded in a magnificent sea of mist, barely gray and white, set against the eternal, infinite spans of what lay beyond the center of the End of Time. It too had an ebb and flow of its own, sometimes gently reaching out or fading away, and it had been imbued with restorative healing properties -- for a quick intake would replenish one's strength after a bout of sparring; and though no fighting had recently occurred -- rare considering the number of occupants within the room at present -- a young man regardless leaned forward, his hands resting on the golden guardrail, and allowed the vaporous, foggy mists to be drawn in by his breath. It cooled him, permeating every aspect of his being, with a gentle, caressing touch; intrigued, but still skeptical, he produced a small, glass jar from within his pockets, of Arnian weaving, and attempted to bottle the sweet gases. This action was met with a discerning glance and grin from the keeper of the grounds; the young man subsequently returned the jar to his shorts, crossed his arms, and returned to a state of bewilderment.
Somewhat gruff looking, he nonetheless exuded a sense of complacency, potential power, and self-knowledge; his hair had long been unkept, free to surf the whimsical wind of El Nido as the birds did, while his threads were distinctly recognizable as hailing from the archipelago's smaller villages, the cradle for the salvation of the world some time earlier; the young man, like the vitality of that settlement, wore a black sailor's shirt and a seaworn, gray vest, complemented by blue shorts stitched with the white design of the waves. Rough hairs had markedly appeared on his chin, though attempts at shaving were evident; the skin on which they rested had been tanned by the summer sun, the dark hue almost baked completely into his frame. His eyes were gloom-ridden and sad, though none would see -- for he always maintained a level of alertness, even while emotionally perturbed, choosing to have major outbursts rather than prolonged suffering. His senses proved sharp, as his head turned at the voice--
"Hey, buddy. Sorry, but the magic can't reach you when you go back, heh. I'm not that powerful," the keeper -- having the form of a Nu -- spoke.
"Yeah. Uhh, how long--" the man began.
"Just give it some time. I'm glad you aren't jumpy like most people."
"Whatever; I'm pretty tired."
"Oh! Reminds me. How do I look to you?"
"Eh?"
"Do I look strong? Weak?"
"What? You look...really weird, man. I don't know."
"Heh. Speak for yourself."
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It too had an ebb and flow of its own, sometimes gently reaching out or fading away, though it had been imbued with restorative healing properties -- for a quick intake would replenish one's strength after a bout of sparring; and though none had occurred, rare considering the number of occupants within the room, a young man regardless leaned forward, his hands resting on the golden guardrail, and allowed the vaporous, foggy mists to be drawn in by his breath.
Maybe its just me, but I find this sentence particularly hard to follow.
Actually, I found the first sentence a little hard to follow as well. I can't quite figure out what you mean by "often emanating the most jovial spirits" or why its used.
I am a little sleep-deprived at the moment and exausted from some mental abuse in this morning's classes, so that might be part of the problem. I'll read this again later.
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I edited it somewhat to make the thoughts and purpose clearer.
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I'd just recommend to not let your sentences get too long. Longer sentences are by nature harder to follow. In cases like the one Symmetry pointed out, consider splitting it into two sentences. BTW, the semicolon in that sentence should be a comma, or you should get rid of "and" (this is if you don't just split it into two sentences there).
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Hmm, how about we use the Writing Critique thread for specific grammatical and typographical issues, and this one for more general questions/suggestions (such as characterization of another author's characters)?
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Make it so.
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[Alright, VT, here's what I have so far for my next post. Let me know of any changes you'd like to the way Hunter and Amy are described and/or voiced. Note that I've left out their experience with the FF; you can fill that in when they get to TEoT.]
Scene X – The Seeker
The Isle of Eden, El Nido Archipelago
1021 A.D.
The cave reeked of an unnatural smell. Smells of blood, excrements, and other natural, organic functions were tinged with something Backer couldn’t readily identify, but which felt similar to the energy source he had been tracking. He wouldn’t let the smell bother him, however; for him, it was a trivial matter to mentally block an unpleasant sensation.
Ahead, the cave narrowed somewhat. On the wall to his right was what appeared to be runic writing inscribed on the wall. He identified it as a Draconian message, imbued with their standard, frustrating charm. This charm prevented the reader from seeing any more than a couple of letters at a time. The letters were the same wherever one looked, but changed with time as the message went through its cycle. It forced the reader to take their time and wait—patience was a great virtue among the Draconians.
Backer wasn’t fully versed in Draconian, but he knew enough to translate a few of the words that appeared: “…Danger…Artifact…Power…Deceit.â€
/Most probable interpretations:
1) A dangerous artifact lies beyond. It will deceive those who lack the power to overcome it.
2) A dangerous artifact lies beyond. It promises power, but this is a deception.
3) To those in danger: This artifact has the power to deceive those who would seek to harm you./
However he looked at it, what lay beyond definitely bore investigation, but demanded caution. Noticing that the cave darkened ahead as it stretched away from the opening, Backer removed and pocketed his sunglasses while opening up a conduit of light energy to provide constant illumination.
A pulse revealed no creatures further in, but the presence of a large, fire-aligned creature outside along with the strange signal emanating from deeper inside the cave. He proceeded into the cave, being sure to keep track of the creature outside.
/Tracking…
t=0
Anomaly: 27m ±0.5m, +0.10 mark -0.02 ±0.02, estimated size: <.5m
Fire Creature: 12m ±1.5m, -3.03 mark +0.05 ±0.05, estimated size: 1m X 1m X 3m
t=1
Anomaly 26m ±0.5m, +0.09 mark -0.02 ±0.02, relative velocity: 1m/s
Fire Creature: 9m ±1.5m, -3.10 mark +0.04 ±0.04, relative velocity: 3m/s
t=2
Anomaly 25m ±0.5m, +0.07 mark -0.01 ±0.02, relative velocity: 1m/s
Fire Creature: 6m ±1.5m, +3.04 mark +0.02 ±0.03, relative velocity: 3m/s
t=3
Anomaly 23m ±0.5m, +0.01 mark -0.01 ±0.02, relative velocity: 2m/s
Fire Creature: 4m ±1.5m, +2.99 mark +0.01 ±0.02, relative velocity: 2m/s
Critical proximity; danger imminent!/
Backer spun around to see what appeared to be a giant boar barrel into the cavern.
/Assessing creature’s status:
Visible wounds: Axe imbedded in left eye. Three shurikens imbedded in hide; one of which appears to pierce the skull.
Demeanor: Enraged.
Conclusion: Creature appears to have just engaged in combat with others. It likely fled when wounded. Given its enraged state, conflict is inevitable.
With its good eye, the boar caught sight of Backer. It let out a ferocious roar and reared to charge. /Initiating advanced combat protocols./
Backer jumped and rolled off to his left to avoid the boar’s charge. As he jumped back up, he quickly drew and slashed his Swift at the boar’s rear leg. The slash met with resistance and failed to deal significant damage. Meanwhile, the boar’s momentum sent it crashing into the wall, blasting chunks of rock outwards. /Enemy’s parameters measured. Strength: 734%; Speed: 72%; Dexterity: 23%. Current parameters: Strength: 231%; Speed: 175%; Dexterity: 411%/
As the boar was recovering, Backer turned to face it and channeled ice energy into his blade. As the energy reached its capacity, he shot out an icicle at the boar’s flank. It penetrated to a short depth before melting away, but it didn’t seem to faze the boar. /Enemy weaknesses analyzed. Known weaknesses: Low accuracy and skill. One eye already damaged; damage to other eye will blind it. Possible weakness to ice energy./
As the boar turned towards him, Backer recharged his blade. His second icicle drove into the boar’s right eye, effectively blinding it. Nevertheless, the boar launched into a second charge in his general direction. Backer easily dodged it, and started channeling ice energy in a beam focused on the boar.
/Constant channeling protocols initiated. Mode: Ice./
/Conduits opening throughout body. Output focused through left hand./ A beam of ice shot out from his hand, nailing the boar to the wall. The irises of Backer’s eyes changed from their usual rainbow of colors to a bright blue.
/Conduits aligning with ice energy./ As the beam intensified, Backer’s skin tone turned a pale blue. The boar fell to the ground, too weak to remain standing.
/Maximum output attained. Harnessing ambient energy./ A pale, blue aura surrounded Backer, and his beam widened to match its width. Within moments, he cut off the flow to avoid overwhelming himself with the energy. The boar wasn’t nearly as lucky; it had frozen solid, covered in a large ice crystal. Exhausted, he sat on a nearby ledge to rest and recover his energy. /Advanced combat protocols disengaged./
A few minutes later, he sensed a pair of humanoids entering the cave, both fire-aligned. As they turned the corner into his cavern, a male voice exclaimed, “Whoa! Doesn’t that just beat all! What do you s’pose happened to it?â€
“It attacked,†Backer said, stepping into their line of sight. “I defended myself. It was rather simple to defeat.â€
The two others, startled, jumped into defensive stances, but Backer held out his hands to show that he meant no harm. “Who are you?†the male demanded. He was a demi-human who looked like a cross between a human and a tiger.
“You can call me Backer,†he replied. “I take it you’re the ones who engaged this boar outside?â€
“That’s us,†the woman replied. She was lithe and attractive, with flame-red hair and matching clothing. Her right hand was wrapped in bandages—likely the result of their encounter with the boar. “We came to finish the job, but it looks like you not only beat us to it, but prepared it for cold storage.â€
“Perhaps I was a bit overzealous,†Backer replied. “but there’s no point in taking unwarranted risks. I suppose you’ll be wanting your weapons back.†Backer approached the frozen boar and started channeling fire energy. “Why don’t you tell me who you are?â€
“Amy Millian,†the woman said, finally relaxing her guard. “The stiff here’s Hunter Deschain. We’re adventurers. What about you?â€
“I’m sometimes called ‘The Seeker,’†Backer replied. A quick burst of flames defrosted the boar. “Where adventurers journey aimlessly for the sake of the journey, I journey aimlessly for the sake of the destination. I just don’t know what I’ll find.â€
“What are you seeking?†Amy asked him.
“What else? Purpose, meaning.†He yanked the axe out of the boar’s eye, and grabbed the shurikens he could see. “Acceptance wouldn’t hurt, either.â€
“What’s that supposed to mean?†Hunter finally spoke up.
“A place to call home,†Backer said, handing the axe back to Hunter, who grumbled his thanks. “Right now, I’m tracing down an odd energy source I detected from this island.â€
“Detected?†Hunter queried.
“I may not look like it, but I’m a demi-human, too,†Backer replied, handing the shurikens to Amy. “You may have noticed you can see me perfectly despite the absence of light in this cavern. Additionally, you’ll notice that my eyes are multi-colored. Both are side-effects of my affinity for elemental energy. I can channel it…†At this, he manifested a ball of fire in his hand, then rotated it to spheres of light, shadow, ice, lightning, and finally released it in a blast of wind. “I can also sense it. I sensed an odd type of energy, corresponding to none of the elements, coming from this cave.â€
“You think this has anything to do with that freaky writing out front?†Hunter asked him, finally relaxing slightly.
“That’s Draconian script. It mentions ‘Danger’ and an ‘Artifact,’ so I’m betting it does,†Backer explained. “I’m heading onward, you can come if you want; it’s not far away, now.â€
“What do you say, Millster?†Hunter asked his partner. “Intrigued?â€
“You bet.â€
“Just one thing,†Backer said, motioning to Amy. “Let me see that hand.†When she cautiously held out her hand to him, Backer channeled a burst of life energy into it, healing its wound.
Backer led the way deeper into the cave, providing illumination for the trio. Before long, they reached an opening into a large cavern. At the center of the cavern was an altar, holding the source of the energy signature. It looked like a statue of a flame, frozen in place. Backer realized what it had to be: the legendary Frozen Flame.
He felt it calling to him, and took a step forward. His companions left his mind as it told him of all the power it could grant him. /This doesn’t seem right; primary thought stream is becoming erratic./
It could give him the power to bring order to the world… /No./
He could exact justice on those who had shunned him… /No. Initiated logical override.
Incoming data: The Frozen Flame will grant you whatever you desire most.
Request: What is the purpose of the Frozen Flame?
Response: The Frozen Flame grants people the power to fulfill their wishes.
Request: Why does the Frozen Flame do this?
Response: The Frozen Flame will grant you whatever you desire most.
Request: I desire information. Tell me the truth of the Frozen Flame’s purpose.
Response: The Frozen Flame grants people power in order to add chaos to the world.
Request: Why does it do this?
Response: Increased chaos provides increase variation. Increased variation allows Lavos to harvest more varied data.
Overtone wave detected. Signal is being hacked by outside entity. Entity identified: LEGACY. Incoming data…/
Backer’s mind was assaulted with overwhelming amounts of information. A normal human would have been rendered brain-dead, but Backer’s superhuman mind was able to survive by immediately shunting the data to the deeper recesses of his memory. Nevertheless, he was subjected to a fierce migraine.
/Supplementary data received: Purpose awaits at the End of Time.
Request: How do I reach the End of Time?
Instructions received./
Backer felt a new power coursing through his body. The energy emitted by the Frozen Flame was absorbed into his body as his senses opened up to this new element.
/Element null successfully harnessed. Executing element cycle./
Elemental energy cycled through his Swift in turn, ending with the new, “null,†element. His perception expanded beyond the three spatial dimensions, and he plunged his Swift into the fabric of space-time. He slashed through it, rending a hole in space. A void opened up, sucking him, Hunter, and Amy the space-time coordinates of least resistance: The End of Time.
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Wow, again, I'm impressed beyond belief...Get that fanfic up ASAP 8)
I think I'd like another interpretation of the warning to be something of the El Nido warning of the FF...
Be very careful when you stare into the flame...For the flame will also stare back at you...It will either transform you into a different being...Or burn you into ashes.
Not all of it, heck, not even the exact same words, but something like it would be a nice touch, especially for the changes that occur w/Hunter & Amy...
Also, Amy's signature shouldn't be Red/Fire, but Black/Shadow.
I'd love to add to this part, "Amy Millian,†the woman said, finally relaxing her guard. “The stiff here’s Hunter Deschain. We’re adventurers. What about you?â€
After '...finally relaxing her guard,' If you could put in 'looking Backer up and down, virtually stripping him with her eyes' or something in the same vein would be nice. I'd like her to notice his Demi-Human-ness a touch sooner than when he tells them, even though Hunter does not.
I really love Backer and would love the trio to continue together, if possible, even after their time in the EoT. I love the fact that Hunter and Backer seem so totally opposite...Hell, where you made Backer adverse to alcohol, I made Hunter a practical drunkard. I think there'd be a lot to play with between the two, especially with Amy's particular interest in Demi-Humans...
Everything else seems fine, all the dialogue is good, and I can add H & A's changes in the EoT...
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[Alright, how about this?
As for my next Backer fic, I haven't actually started writing anything yet; I'm still formulating ideas. So far, here's what I'm thinking:
-It'll be in an alternate dimension, similar to the world of CC, around 1025 AD.
-The premise will be that the Entity (who'll I'll assume is the planet, Gaia) has decided that humanity has crossed the line and needs to be exterminated.
-The character of Backer will have the same mind, but he'll start out with no memories. His superhuman powers will also be drastically different.
-The ending will reveal in more detail the connection between Backer and LEGACY, along with the nature of LEGACY.]
Scene X – The Seeker
The Isle of Eden, El Nido Archipelago
1021 A.D.
The cave reeked of an unnatural smell. Smells of blood, excrements, and other natural, organic functions were tinged with something Backer couldn’t readily identify, but which felt similar to the energy source he had been tracking. He wouldn’t let the smell bother him, however; for him, it was a trivial matter to mentally block an unpleasant sensation.
Ahead, the cave narrowed somewhat. On the wall to his right was what appeared to be runic writing inscribed on the wall. He identified it as a Draconian message, imbued with their standard, frustrating charm. This charm prevented the reader from seeing any more than a couple of letters at a time. The letters were the same wherever one looked, but changed with time as the message went through its cycle. It forced the reader to take their time and wait—patience was a great virtue among the Draconians.
Backer wasn’t fully versed in Draconian, but he knew enough to translate a few of the words that appeared: “…Careful…Flame…Back…Transformation…Burn.â€
/El Nido lore recalled: “Be very careful when you stare into the flame...For the flame will also stare back at you... It will either transform you into a different being... Or burn you into ashes.â€
Probability of match: 97.6%/
What lay beyond definitely bore investigation, but demanded caution. Noticing that the cave darkened ahead as it stretched away from the opening, Backer removed and pocketed his sunglasses while opening up a conduit of light energy to provide constant illumination.
A pulse revealed no creatures further in, but the presence of a large, fire-aligned creature outside along with the strange signal emanating from deeper inside the cave. He proceeded into the cave, being sure to keep track of the creature outside.
/Tracking…
t=0
Anomaly: 27m ±0.5m, +0.10 mark -0.02 ±0.02, estimated size: <.5m
Fire Creature: 12m ±1.5m, -3.03 mark +0.05 ±0.05, estimated size: 1m X 1m X 3m
t=1
Anomaly 26m ±0.5m, +0.09 mark -0.02 ±0.02, relative velocity: 1m/s
Fire Creature: 9m ±1.5m, -3.10 mark +0.04 ±0.04, relative velocity: 3m/s
t=2
Anomaly 25m ±0.5m, +0.07 mark -0.01 ±0.02, relative velocity: 1m/s
Fire Creature: 6m ±1.5m, +3.04 mark +0.02 ±0.03, relative velocity: 3m/s
t=3
Anomaly 23m ±0.5m, +0.01 mark -0.01 ±0.02, relative velocity: 2m/s
Fire Creature: 4m ±1.5m, +2.99 mark +0.01 ±0.02, relative velocity: 2m/s
Critical proximity; danger imminent!/
Backer spun around to see what appeared to be a giant boar barrel into the cavern.
/Assessing creature’s status:
Visible wounds: Axe imbedded in left eye. Three shurikens imbedded in hide; one of which appears to pierce the skull.
Demeanor: Enraged.
Conclusion: Creature appears to have just engaged in combat with others. It likely fled when wounded. Given its enraged state, conflict is inevitable.
With its good eye, the boar caught sight of Backer. It let out a ferocious roar and reared to charge. /Initiating advanced combat protocols./
Backer jumped and rolled off to his left to avoid the boar’s charge. As he jumped back up, he quickly drew and slashed his Swift at the boar’s rear leg. The slash met with resistance and failed to deal significant damage. Meanwhile, the boar’s momentum sent it crashing into the wall, blasting chunks of rock outwards. /Enemy’s parameters measured. Strength: 734%; Speed: 72%; Dexterity: 23%. Current parameters: Strength: 231%; Speed: 175%; Dexterity: 411%/
As the boar was recovering, Backer turned to face it and channeled ice energy into his blade. As the energy reached its capacity, he shot out an icicle at the boar’s flank. It penetrated to a short depth before melting away, but it didn’t seem to faze the boar. /Enemy weaknesses analyzed. Known weaknesses: Low accuracy and skill. One eye already damaged; damage to other eye will blind it. Possible weakness to ice energy./
As the boar turned towards him, Backer recharged his blade. His second icicle drove into the boar’s right eye, effectively blinding it. Nevertheless, the boar launched into a second charge in his general direction. Backer easily dodged it, and started channeling ice energy in a beam focused on the boar.
/Constant channeling protocols initiated. Mode: Ice./
/Conduits opening throughout body. Output focused through left hand./ A beam of ice shot out from his hand, nailing the boar to the wall. The irises of Backer’s eyes changed from their usual rainbow of colors to a bright blue.
/Conduits aligning with ice energy./ As the beam intensified, Backer’s skin tone turned a pale blue. The boar fell to the ground, too weak to remain standing.
/Maximum output attained. Harnessing ambient energy./ A pale, blue aura surrounded Backer, and his beam widened to match its width. Within moments, he cut off the flow to avoid overwhelming himself with the energy. The boar wasn’t nearly as lucky; it had frozen solid, covered in a large ice crystal. Exhausted, he sat on a nearby ledge to rest and recover his energy. /Advanced combat protocols disengaged./
A few minutes later, he sensed a pair of humanoids entering the cave, one fire-aligned, one shadow-aligned. As they turned the corner into his cavern, a male voice exclaimed, “Whoa! Doesn’t that just beat all! What do you s’pose happened to it?â€
“It attacked,†Backer said, stepping into their line of sight. “I defended myself. It was rather simple to defeat.â€
The two others, startled, jumped into defensive stances, but Backer held out his hands to show that he meant no harm. “Who are you?†the male demanded. He was a demi-human who looked like a cross between a human and a tiger.
“You can call me Backer,†he replied. “I take it you’re the ones who engaged this boar outside?â€
“That’s us,†the woman replied. She was lithe and attractive, with flame-red hair and matching clothing. Her right hand was wrapped in bandages—likely the result of their encounter with the boar. “We came to finish the job, but it looks like you not only beat us to it, but prepared it for cold storage.â€
“Perhaps I was a bit overzealous,†Backer replied. “but there’s no point in taking unwarranted risks. I suppose you’ll be wanting your weapons back.†Backer approached the frozen boar and started channeling fire energy. “Why don’t you tell me who you are?â€
“Amy Millian,†the woman said, finally relaxing her guard. She looked Backer up and down, seeming to undress him with her eyes. Her gaze caught temporarily on his eyes, noticing their array of colors, and she quirked a smile. “The stiff here’s Hunter Deschain. We’re adventurers. What about you?â€
“I’m sometimes called ‘The Seeker,’†Backer replied. A quick burst of flames defrosted the boar. “Where adventurers journey aimlessly for the sake of the journey, I journey aimlessly for the sake of the destination. I just don’t know what I’ll find.â€
“What are you seeking?†Amy asked him.
“What else? Purpose, meaning.†He yanked the axe out of the boar’s eye, and grabbed the shurikens he could see. “Acceptance wouldn’t hurt, either.â€
“What’s that supposed to mean?†Hunter finally spoke up.
“A place to call home,†Backer said, handing the axe back to Hunter, who grumbled his thanks. “Right now, I’m tracing down an odd energy source I detected from this island.â€
“Detected?†Hunter queried.
“I may not look like it, but I’m a demi-human, too,†Backer replied, handing the shurikens to Amy. “You may have noticed you can see me perfectly despite the absence of light in this cavern. Additionally, you’ll notice that my eyes are multi-colored. Both are side-effects of my affinity for elemental energy. I can channel it…†At this, he manifested a ball of fire in his hand, then rotated it to spheres of light, shadow, ice, lightning, and finally released it in a blast of wind. “I can also sense it. I sensed an odd type of energy, corresponding to none of the elements, coming from this cave.â€
“You think this has anything to do with that freaky writing out front?†Hunter asked him, finally relaxing slightly.
“That’s Draconian script. It mentions ‘Danger’ and an ‘Artifact,’ so I’m betting it does,†Backer explained. “I’m heading onward, you can come if you want; it’s not far away, now.â€
“What do you say, Millster?†Hunter asked his partner. “Intrigued?â€
“You bet.â€
“Just one thing,†Backer said, motioning to Amy. “Let me see that hand.†When she cautiously held out her hand to him, Backer channeled a burst of life energy into it, healing its wound.
Backer led the way deeper into the cave, providing illumination for the trio. Before long, they reached an opening into a large cavern. At the center of the cavern was an altar, holding the source of the energy signature. It looked like a statue of a flame, frozen in place. Backer realized what it had to be: the legendary Frozen Flame.
He felt it calling to him, and took a step forward. His companions left his mind as it told him of all the power it could grant him. /This doesn’t seem right; primary thought stream is becoming erratic./
It could give him the power to bring order to the world… /No./
He could exact justice on those who had shunned him… /No. Initiating logical override.
Incoming data: The Frozen Flame will grant you whatever you desire most.
Request: What is the purpose of the Frozen Flame?
Response: The Frozen Flame grants people the power to fulfill their wishes.
Request: Why does the Frozen Flame do this?
Response: The Frozen Flame will grant you whatever you desire most.
Request: I desire information. Tell me the truth of the Frozen Flame’s purpose.
Response: The Frozen Flame grants people power in order to add chaos to the world.
Request: Why does it do this?
Response: Increased chaos provides increase variation. Increased variation allows Lavos to harvest more varied data.
Overtone wave detected. Signal is being hacked by outside entity. Entity identified: LEGACY. Incoming data…/
Backer’s mind was assaulted with overwhelming amounts of information. A normal human would have been rendered brain-dead, but Backer’s superhuman mind was able to survive by immediately shunting the data to the deeper recesses of his memory. Nevertheless, he was subjected to a fierce migraine.
/Supplementary data received: Purpose awaits at the End of Time.
Request: How do I reach the End of Time?
Instructions received./
Backer felt a new power coursing through his body. The energy emitted by the Frozen Flame was absorbed into his body as his senses opened up to this new element.
/Element null successfully harnessed. Executing element cycle./
Elemental energy cycled through his Swift in turn, ending with the new, “null,†element. His perception expanded beyond the three spatial dimensions, and he plunged his Swift into the fabric of space-time. He slashed through it, rending a hole in space. A void opened up, sucking him, Hunter, and Amy to the space-time coordinates of least resistance: The End of Time.
[Edit: Accidentally posted the last paragraph twice.]
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Consider this a notice that I am, in fact, working on an introductory scene for Garg.
By the way, if Ybrik has seemingly fled the scene, does that mean someone is needed to write Toma scenes? I would be perfectly willing to do so, and it would be a bit fun to write two "enemies"...
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Sure; he told me he hasn't been to the Compendium in more than 2 weeks.
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Sounds great Leebot! :mrgreen:
That's kinda sad about Ybrik...He said earlier somewhere that he was busy with something right? What's he been up to? And although he had said he had plans for Glenn (CC), I'll probably still call my Glenn (alt dimension Frog) Kaeru just in case later down the road Ybrik pops back 'into the scene' (so to speak).
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I made a Intro... but I lost it. moving a file from one computer to another is inmpossible if one has no cd or floppy thingys, and the other has no internet. should I just say the simple outline of it so you people get the whole picture? I am extremely frustrated right now due to the VERY high level of inconveinience (and I have no idea whether I spelled anything wrong. Im only 15 so give me a break)
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Two words: Microsoft Word.
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I meant my post, not the intro.
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And I meant to check your spelling, not to store your files. :P
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Even after using Word's spellcheck you can still have plenty of errors...
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Yes, but you won't have any incorrectly spelled words.
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Well, the words themselves may not be incorrectly spelled, but they may not be the right words in whatever context, so they are, in essence, incorrectly spelled.
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Technically, they're not, which is what I was referring to.
But hopefully you at least won't have a misspelled word and change it for the wrong correctly spelled word...
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[Here's what I have for my next Backer post; let me know if it's too much.]
Scene X – Echoes
The End of Time
/Stabilization: 34.5%
Optical input restored.
Optical input connected to visual stream 1.
Testing vision…
Possible error: Optical input resolves no recognized pattern; chaos: 100%
Diagnosing optical input…
No errors found.
Analysis: Chaos is ambient.
As coherence returned to Backer, he replayed the events leading to his current state of affairs. His consciousness had been persuaded—or perhaps overridden, he couldn’t be sure—by an entity which identified itself as LEGACY. It had connected with his mind and transmitted vast amounts of information to it, so much that his subconscious was still sorting it out. It had then told him a purpose awaited him at the End of Time, then guided him on a set of actions which sent him there, apparently through tearing a hole in space-time.
Prior to that, he had been in contact with the artifact known as the Frozen Flame. It had tried to tempt him with power, but a logical override had saved him. Once he had the situation in control, LEGACY had connected with him.
Even earlier, he was searching through the cave, with two others, Hunter Deschain and Amy Millian. But, what had happened to them? Backer replayed his vision up through his arrival in the End of Time. As he fell into the rift, he noticed two figures falling towards him from nearer to the Frozen Flame. They had most likely fallen in after him.
He looked around, but saw nothing distinct from the chaos that seemed to characterize this place. He sent out a pulse to see if that avenue yielded any results. /Fire… ------^^`’*’`##---/
Interesting results. There was a lot of interference, but he could sense something coming from one, definite direction. He knew he hadn’t seen anything in any direction previously, but when he looked again, he could see quite clearly a structure floating in the distance. It was too distant to resolve many details, but it appeared to be oblong, tilted 20° off its axis.
/Applicable information found in LEGACY data.
Location type QC:
Certain dimensional locations lack normal physical parameters. Apparent physical parameters of such locations can be shaped by sufficiently powerful and ordered minds. Those without sufficient mental ability will perceive the environment created by another, if such is present. Otherwise, they will perceive only chaos./
That seemed to be consistent with what he was observing. He decided to test this hypothesis.
/Hallway, leading from here to the structure ahead, with door connecting to it./
A drab hallway formed around him, leading up to the structure.
/Gravity and atmosphere, standard.
Backer fell to the floor of the hallway as the environment returned to what he perceived as normal. He started walking towards the structure, but then decided to see if exactly how malleable the space there was.
/Shorten hallway to 2 meters, with same destinations./
The hallway obeyed, and two more steps took him to the plain, wooden door that had been created at the end. As he was about to open the door, he felt a surge of null energy from beyond. It passed in a few moments, and he proceeded to open the door.
The door led to a small staircase, which in turn led to a moderately-sized room with solemn décor. At the center was a brown-clad man standing at the foot of a streetlight, staring at him in surprise. He was surrounded by an assortment of odd individuals, who were either staring at Backer or at the hall across from him, where another group of people had arrived in confusion. Among the crowd he picked out Hunter and Amy, to whom he gave a quick nod. His mind briefly registered a slight discoloration of Hunter’s arms and Amy’s legs, but he deemed it inconsequential.
“I hear you’ve got a quest for me,†he stated.
-
Sounds good. I kind of wanted Hunter & Amy to be passed out when they arrived in the EoT, but I suppose I could deal with that stuff as being before Backer enters. Maybe he should notice something is different about them though...He doesn't have to though, as it is currently not a 'big' change, especially if his focus is on Gaspar.
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Hmm, he probably would notice it, distracted or not. I've added in a sentence to cover this in the second-to-last paragraph. I'm not sure how you wanted it to appear at this stage, so I just said a "slight discoloration."
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The gentle, golden tones of the platinum harps were heard emanating from the stately edifice, even manifested as caressing crests and waves in the sensitive minds of dreamers nearby; these alluring sounds, though often heard within the chamber’s corridors, now announced to all within their aura – even those not invited – that a grandiose function neared its hour of beginning, when the hearts and minds of the most humble and inflated members of the Zealian society would be of one mind and purpose – to bask in the royal glory of the continents, and celebrate the birthday of its prince’s sister, whose flowing beauty and charm were considered a crown treasure by their own merits. Azure, crimson, and violet robes crafted most meticulously shifted into the palatial halls, their owners and wearers each seeking to be a luminary to the amassing crowds. Drinks were in free, plentiful flow, as magic granted the use of fountains of wine that flowed elegantly near the marble walls, allowing patrons to dip their cups in the forming pools and partake of the mirth and passion yielded from a draught of vintage. More than ever, those in attendance were aware of their position in the heavens – the centerpiece of the universe, of viridian pastures and blue skies, and the honors therein.
However, not all were able to be detached from their daily tussle fully; some still scrambled as they did within labs and centers of research, permanently caught in the rigors of analysis and invention. These sorts were now furiously checking, for the fourth time, the presentation planned for the evening; if one nonfluency were detected by the audience, or one hairline crack in the visual screens noted, the showing would be deemed a failure, and the aristocracy would scoff at the bustling of the temporal researchers, comparing them to rodents starved for a piece of cheese. One of the top officials of this gang of rats was correctly adorned in flowing blue dress, with shoulder lapels that granted him seniority over those with him behind the majestic curtains upon the stage. As he directed the checkups, the music became more swift and uplifting, and some began to dance. Roget was at once attracted, for dancing was the epitome of the social arena he had heretofore been shielded from by the Centre for Dimensional Research; the women, in ageless beauty and grace, enchanted him, though he did not wish to be their partners – for he was cognizant of their dull and empty lives; of their revolting at the drop of a needle – of their lack of substance, which he, as a participant in the most truly zealous project even undertook and approved by the Council, had regularly. Even at the moment, the worry of a faulty speech and display of the project’s on goings – an attempt to appease the aristocrats – made him feel alive, something these monotonous “leaders of men†could never experience.
The analysts, their hands still glowing darkly from their run-throughs of the inner, magical workings of the presentation, gave their approval, releasing Roget from responsibility temporarily. He sauntered off the stage, his face beaming, and his carriage perfectly upright, and surveyed the room. He was unshakably happy this night, proud to be a pillar of Zealian society, the empyrean of the world; at this length, he walked by the sides of the main corridor, sampling the wine with a glass nearly rendered invisible by its transparency, and was subsequently taken aback upon his view of a woman approaching the wine falls near him; though the wives of the aristocrats were able to feign a kind and dashing radiance with their tools and devices of artificial and prolonged beauty, this woman, to his more warmer senses, shone with a luminosity that was not blindingly bright, but reverently steadfast; it was as the stars – eternal in their reign in the sky, overshadowed by a full moon occasionally, but always aloof and present. It demanded his submission by merely hinting that it was deeper and more meaningful than anything he had ever known – and this it received, as Roget was now so unbearably off-center that he awkwardly struggled to have mind of doing even trivial things, such as raising his glass to drink. The woman, too appearing imbalanced across from him, opened dialogue.
“Ex-excuse me, is this…Blushful Spring?†she asked.
â€Uh, yes, it is, the stuff. Good,†he answered.
“Thank you.â€
The woman held her cup below the pouring crimson, and sipped. Long through the ages, alcohol had been thought of as a numbing drug; its definition did not fail Nasreen Ferdows, whose sips at last made her feel more at ease in this foreign setting.
“Are you with the…project?†she asked.
“Uh, yes; we’re giving a presentation, and—“
“Oh, I see; I was asked to come here by them.â€
Being interrupted nearly critically wounded Roget, but his alert mind fortunately accepted the possibility that her accidental rudeness was due to the Blushful Spring.
“Them? The Council?†he asked.
“Yes…I don’t know why…â€
“Well…yeah, they’re kind of shifty…†he soon remembered manners. “What’s your name, by the way?â€
“Oh, sorry; I’m Nasreen…you are…â€
“Roget. Yes, are you interested in the project?â€
“Well…†stuttered Nasreen, accustomed to acquiescing to positive answers to questions given to her – “Yes, it is all very interesting.â€
“Great. I hope you enjoy the presentation. I’m one of the project officiates. It’s…a good show.â€
“Oh, I will…†she said, glancing behind her.
“W—“ Roget began.
“I have to go; my mother requests me. It was nice talking to you,†she concluded.
“You too.â€
Roget immediately brought the container in his hand to his mouth, and cooled his nerves. This woman entranced him, though he initially did not know it; his Romantic senses were not finely tuned, nor experienced. However, this meeting had planted a seed in his mind, sharply drawing his attention and unyielding in its demands. The project remained the focus of the evening, as well as his thoughts and actions – but his eyes were purely Nasreen’s. He returned to the platform, and continued to prepare for the events of the evening.
-
Stylistic comments:
-We decided to write the scenes in third person focused, and you appear to be focusing on Roget. However, you bring up Nasreen's name before Roget knows it.
-Watch the run-on sentences. Your first sentence takes up over half the paragraph. Consider replacing some of the semi-colons with sentence breaks.
-Paragraph 2, about halfway through: I'd put "gang of rats" in quotes.
Grammatical:
-In the first paragraph, switch the first semi-colon with the second comma.
-Paragraph 3, about halfway through: "more warmer" -> "warmer" (If I were writing it, I'd go for "keener," instead.)
-End of paragraph 3: "too" -> "also"
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Scene XX - Eyram Green
Gargeth Wardell found his accommodations most unpleasant. For one thing, the secretary chick who hung around in the entrance hall outside his door attended to every resident of the Choras town hall (that is, what they called the rooms where all of the elder’s friends who were too dirt-poor to live alone resided in luxury)—so she could only attend to his needs every hour or so. And for another, his wooden chair was stiffly uncomfortable and didn’t lean properly.
He was halfway through the process of discovering this by falling over backward when the secretary rudely intruded, bringing in a guest. From the looks of him—swanky suit, collection of fancy stationery-based documents in his hand, that stupid bowler that he so elegantly rolled off his head and hung on the hat rack—he was one of the elder’s higher-ups.
Garg quickly collected himself from the floor whereupon he fell and discovered that this interruption pissed him off. It wasn’t the embarrassment of being caught falling over backward, no, and it wasn’t that this guy was once probably just as lowly scum as Garg and still got better treatment, not that. It was that the secretary only said, “The elder will be in to see you shortly.†That was it; then she left. No, “Hello, Mr. Wardell,†or any, “Would you like anything, Mr. Wardell?†Not so much of, “I had some real fun before, Garg; when can we do it again?†as of nothing. Of course, it wouldn’t be appropriate with such a fine gentleman in the room, but still, could she have been any colder? It was like a bad omen, for a chick he’d had an experience with not to mention anything about it the next time he saw him... it was almost as if she was sure this would be the last time she saw him.
Well, if she didn’t have time to worry about him, then he couldn’t afford to spend any time worrying about her, either, not with the elder’s lackey standing in his doorway. So he set his chair upright, sat down, and then made the gesture of standing up again to invite him in. He didn’t bother to close the door behind him; he obviously didn’t think much of Garg’s privacy, which meant neither did the elder. How could the elder treat him that way, when Garg had promised him so much, and both of his treacherous families had expressed their support? Surely the elder knew he was not a powerful enough man to deal with his own nobility and the eldership of Porre.
“Good morning, Mr. Wardell,†said the gentleman.
What was he doing here, anyway?
“A fine one, thank you,†Garg replied, “but I’m not quite sure we’ve met.â€
“Oh, excuse me, I forgot that we haven’t. My name is Eyram Green. I’ve been assigned as the legal counselor in your case against Mr. Levine—“
“Who?â€
“I believe his first name is Toma. As I was saying, I will represent you in the case of the Rainbow Shell.â€
“Will you? That’s nice, but—“
“Excuse me for being late, gentlemen,†said the Choras elder as he hobbled in, leaning heavily on his cane. “I see you’ve met Mr. Green, Gargeth.â€
Garg shuddered. What was his mother thinking with that name? Gargeth. Honestly.
“Please, sir, call me Garg.â€
“Nonsense. If I’ll call you anything, it’ll be Mr. Wardell. We are all, after all, men of stature, are we not?â€
“Yes,†said Eyram, “and that is why I must insist that we hurry this along.â€
“If you don’t mind my asking,†said Garg, “why did you call us, Elder?â€
“I believe I can answer that.†Even as the elder opened his mouth to speak, Eyram circled around into Garg’s view and interrupted. Garg wouldn’t forget his disrespect for authority, and he would be sure no one else would, either. “Quite simply, your requests to study interregional law and represent your case in any pending legal proceedings have been denied. It has been concluded that your experience with scholarship is insufficient when considering the imminence of the matter at hand.â€
Oh, Mr. Green spoke well-cultured enough, but despite whatever confusion he may have hoped to achieve, Garg understood every word he said—and probably could have spewed it back with more verbiage that the man could handle. Again, Garg would remember this subtle spite, but for the moment he found it more suitable to play dumb.
“So you’re telling me that the elder won’t sponsor my legal studies, is that it? With his infinite income spent on infinite corrupt things that I could reveal at any moment, he can’t—“
“Please, please, Mr. Wardell, settle down,†the elder said, himself finding a small, wobbly wooden chair to rest in. “It’s not that I can’t afford to let you study, but I just—“
“Well, if you’ll excuse me for saying it, Elder, then I don’t see why I can’t just study it no matter how useful it will or will not be. I mean, with the favor I’m doing you here, I think it’s the least you could do.â€
“Why would you ever want to study something you won’t find use for?†said Eyram mockingly.
“You seem to be making yourself a fine living with your useless studies,†Garg mocked in return.
“That’s enough,†the Elder said as loudly as he could at his age. “If we can’t behave civilly here, then we won’t be here at all. Now, Mr. Wardell, I’ll be fine with it if you want to go ahead and study interregional law, but I’ll take no blame for your disappointment if I don’t think you’re ready to win whatever case we find ourselves up against in this whole debacle.â€
“Thank you, Elder.â€
“Let’s depart, Eyram. If there’s to be something for Mr. Wardell to take over, we have a case to prepare.â€
With that, Eyram Green and the Choras elder walked out of Garg’s dormitory, shutting the door behind them. Even as the door clicked softly shut, Garg could hear Eyram’s furious explosion at the elder’s submission. Chuckling in the growing silence of his room, Garg leaned backwards in his stiff wooden chair and fell over.
-
You refer to Toma as Mr. Toma. His last name is stated in the game; I believe it is Levine, but it bears double checking.
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Levine sounds right.
This is an unedited take of my next post.
Scene #7 – An Evening Above the Stars
Covering her mouth as she yawned, Naomi slouched her posture as she sat upon a sofa in her mother’s room, nearly sliding off the divan as she waited impatiently for the enchantress to finish dressing for the gala being held at the palace later in the evening. Although she had no great love of such social events, Sessimine had insisted that she attend. Not wishing to disappoint her mother and seeing the occasion as an easy way to earn the favour she struggled endlessly to obtain, Naomi agreed to accompany the elder Maruyama to the ball and had even already dressed herself appropriately by donning the pink subfusc she wore everyday to class over a simple coral-coloured gown worn by novice enchantresses on formal occasions. Unable to focus her mind on any one train of thought for very long, the student let her eyes wander about the room aimlessly, her vision repeatedly returning to one of the portraits hanging from the wall until she was finally able to remain concentrated on one subject.
“Mother?â€
Sessimine replied from behind her dressing screen, her voice slightly muffled due to something in her mouth.. “Yes, dear?â€
“That man…†Naomi paused, unable to speak momentarily, then finally forced something barely coherent out. “… absolutely wonderful!â€
There was no doubt in Sessimine’s mind as to whom her daughter was referring to. “He is, isn’t he? Whenever I have a nightmare or some other unpleasant thought late at night, I just turn to that portrait and instantly my fears are gone – although I usually end up losing sleep over continually staring at him, but that’s far more preferable than losing sleep over something horrible! I suppose you meant to ask me just who he was, however, didn’t you?â€
“Huh?†The student continued to stare semi-mindlessly, her mother’s comments entering one ear and exiting the other.
The elder Maruyama giggled as she peered out from behind her screen at her daughter. “Dear, if you blink once in awhile, you can ogle over that portrait longer.â€
Naomi snapped out of her trance. “What? I am not ogling over anything! I’m merely… admiring respectfully, that’s all!â€
The enchantress smiled as she disappeared once more from plain view. “Admiring respectfully, hmm? Fabulous excuse, my dear… I’ll have to remember that one! Anyway, as you were undoubtedly about to ask, that beautiful work of art is none other than the very lovely [INSERT FULL NAME HERE]. [NAME], as you might have reasonably deduced had your mental capabilities been free, was the single male Provost of the School of Enchantment. Besides unquestionably being the finest specimen the other gender ever had to offer, he was arguably the most talented enchanter in the history of the art. [NAME]’s work revolutionized the way charms were studied and altered the way enchantresses viewed themselves and the world around them.â€
“How so?â€
“How so? How so!†Sessimine stepped out from her screen with one hand wrapped firmly around her hip, the other pointing at Naomi in condemnation. “What do you mean, how so? Had you kept up with your studies and read my work, you would know!â€
“Eep!†Naomi covered her mouth; she had unintentionally confessed to something she did not plan to reveal.
The elder Maruyama sighed as she turned away and pointed at one of the portraits on the wall. “Seeing as how you’ve neglected even to read the exciting work of your own mother, I suppose I’ll give you a generous - yet brief - overview of my magnum opus, [INSERT TITLE OF BOOK HERE]. This lovely middle-aged woman you see here is Miss Berenyi Fujima, the first Provostia of the School of Enchantment. As you may or may not realize, our art is the youngest of the five divisions of magic; for a long time, charms were merely considered to be a subdivision of sorcery. After the creation of the Mammon Machine some twelve-thousand years ago, Zeal entered a phrase of unparalleled scientific enlightenment and for nearly six-thousand years afterward this enlightenment had a profound impact on our kingdom’s culture. You see, the focus of the enlightenment was on the power of reason and its role in conceptualizing new ideas under which the entire universe were governed. This focus on becoming more and more rational overrode personal desires and human emotion; the passions were all but abandoned and cultural achievements such as the arts came to a standstill. It was in this time that Berenyi, appearing seemingly out of thin air, became an influential voice in Zeal by advocating the value of the passions once more. This return to a focus on the relevance of human emotion eventually gave birth to the School of Enchantment, which Miss Fujima was appointed the first Provostia of – despite the fact she was utterly and completely devoid of any personal charms and charisma herself. It was said of her that men would fall in love with her at a distance only to quickly fall out of love upon hearing her ceaseless complaining and commandeering; in fact, there’s even a spell named after her which grants its caster a similar aura!â€
“Interesting. So whatever happened to Berenyi, given the lack of charisma? I bet she didn’t hold the post of Provostia very long.â€
“No, she didn’t. Miss Fujima was a tremendously powerful sorceress, but she simply didn’t have what it took to be a successful enchantress. She is relevant to our art not because of her power, but rather because of who she was. In a time where emotion was being rejected as a legitimate expression of our humanity, Berenyi advocated that there was no greater value than that of self-love.â€
Naomi grinned. “You mean vanity, right? Now that you mention this, it’s starting to sound familiar.â€
“Precisely. Calling her vain really doesn’t do her arrogance justice; however, despite her flaws, Berenyi was vital to the resurgence of the passions within Zealian culture, although few outside our art accepted her claims that self-love was the end-all-be-all to our existence. Still…†Sessimine hung momentarily on the final letters of the word before continuing on. “…the School of Enchantment was very… different then than it is now. In the beginning, there was no theory behind charms or illusions – these had to be created and borrowed from other disciplines, and it would still be several generations before our order would begin this process. For nearly a hundred years after Berenyi mysteriously disappeared, the School of Enchantment was little more than a social club for bored aristocratic housewives. It was not until… ahem… the very lovely [NAME] became an influential figure within the kingdom did our discipline begin to take on the theories you are familiar with and earn the respect it so rightfully deserved as a distinguished arcane art!â€
After turning back to Naomi to make sure her daughter was still listening and engaged in the all but one-sided conversation, the elder Maruyama continued to recount the history of the school she oversaw. “[NAME], besides being wonderfully beautiful as we’ve both suggested many times now, was well-known and respected for his intelligence and wisdom, despite his lack of training in the arcane sciences – a point his detractors and those envious of his influence routinely pointed out. In an effort to silence his critics, he enrolled in the School of Enchantment – the mystic art he considered to be the most practical – and blazed through what little curriculum existed at the time. Unfortunately for [NAME], but fortunately for us, his detractors were quick to point out he chose the least demanding of all the arcane colleges to study. Frustrated with his naysayers constant criticisms, but realizing that in reality that they were true to some extent, [NAME] decided to undertake a task that would once and for all prove his talents – to transform the Zealian Lonely Housewives’ Social Circle & Cotillion Society into a fully-functioning educational facility.†The enchantress grinned, amused with her own wit. The Zealian Lonely Housewives’ Social Circle & Cotillion Society… what a brilliant name for am opera! I’ll have to remember that one… “In any case, [NAME] disappeared from public view for nearly five years before finally emerging from his self-imposed solitude, having written a slew of books concerning theories behind the art of enchantment… I suppose it goes without saying that he was successful in passing on what he learned from his compilations, although sadly, he was never successful in obtaining the approval of the critics he sought to win; it was only several generations later that the importance and the far-reaching effects of [NAME}’s work were fully appreciated.â€
The younger Maruyama glanced over the handsome man’s portrait one last time before the image of another one of the school’s headmistresses caught her eye. Like all of the other women immortalized on the bedroom’s wall, she was very beautiful, but something about the academic diva bothered her – something Naomi couldn’t quite put her finger on. After staring at the portrait for a few minutes while her mother finished getting dressed, the exact source of her uneasiness finally struck her, but just as she was about to inquire into the woman’s identity, a knock came from the door.
“Naomi, please see who that is. It should be one of the prince’s aides or someone to escort us to the palace this evening.â€
The student’s eyes widened as an expression of surprise overcame her relaxed visage. “An aide of the prince? You mean Prince Aias?!â€
Sessimine replied, rolling her eyes – a gesture that went unseen due to her location behind a dressing screen; however, from her tone of voice, anyone with even a passing knowledge of the enchantress could have guessed the motion of her visual organs. “No Naomi, the other prince. Of course I’m referring to Prince Aias! You are aware that the King only has one male heir, aren’t you?â€
“Yes, yes. I’m sorry… It’s just that… Well, I wasn’t aware you had any sort of personal relationship with his majesty. I mean, why would Prince Aias ask for your presence in particular at such an important social event as his sister’s birthday?â€
The elder Maruyama stepped out from behind the screen with an exasperated look on her face and her hands locked – as usual – firmly on her hips. “Why would Prince Aias ask for me presence at such an important social event? Why wouldn’t he, is the question you should be asking! It’s not like I’m…†Sessimine’s rant was cut short by another knock on the bedroom’s ingress. With lips clenched tightly, the enchantress lifted one of her hands from its position and pointed toward the source of the tapping sound. “Just… get… the door, okay?â€
Naomi scurried to the door and answered it with a polite a grin on her face as she could have possibly mustered. “Er… Hello? May I help you?â€
Acting as if he had not heard any of the two women’s conversation – although from the look on the man’s face, it was obvious he had – the attendant returned the polite expression with one of his own. “I am here to escort Miss Sessimine Chisato Maruyama and whoever may be accompanying her this evening to the palace. There is a carriage waiting for us just outside the college gates whenever she is ready.â€
The student turned back to her mother, who was now sitting at a dressing table, slowly applying makeup as if she had not a care in the world. Turning back toward the attendant, Naomi glanced one last time at her caretaker before replying. “I think she’s going to be awhile. I’d ask you to come in, but I don’t think mother would appreciate that. Why don’t you wait outside in the carriage and I’ll try to hurry her along as much as possible.â€
The aide grinned, impressed with the young woman’s ability to resolve the situation. “Of course, madam. We’ll be waiting patiently outside for you. Until then…†The young man removed his hat and took a deep bow before departing for the carriage. Tickled with herself, Naomi closed the door and sat back down on the sofa with an amused expression on her face. Having momentarily forgotten about the spat moments before, the young woman remained seated until Sessimine tossed several containers of makeup back into the drawer which she kept them and looked herself over one last time before standing up from her vanity and posing before her daughter.
“Well? How do I look? Not as if I really need to ask, but…â€
Naomi rubbed her chin, actively noticing her mother’s choice of clothing for the first time. For once, she was actually quite pleased – impressed, even – for the elder Maruyama had opted to wear something unquestionably modest by even the most conservative standards; after considering this for a moment, Naomi began to wonder why her mother’s newfound sense of decency hadn’t stuck her earlier. Sessimine’s attire consisted of an dark purple kimono which left an unusually lengthy trail of silk behind her when walking, a violet undergarment which – to Naomi’s delight – left everything to the imagination, and a golden sash and pair of gloves that she had chosen to wear solely because she had stumbled upon a similarly coloured vial of eyeshadow moments before.
“I like it, which coming from me, really means something, I guess. It looks… very traditional, yet sorta modern at the same time. I can’t say I would have expected you to dress like that, but it fits at the same time… I don’t think most people could pull off wearing a kimono.â€
“Obviously you haven’t been paying attention to the latest fashion trends, although I appreciate the comment. The kimono is very stylish right now, at least if you’re of the proper social standing; however, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone wearing one long enough to pool about their feet – those knee-length dresses have been the fashion staple so far.†Content with her dress, Sessimine glanced back at the mirror, inspecting herself one last time, only to find an aspect of her appearance she had neglected. “Oh my! I nearly forgot!â€
Naomi scratched her head. What could you have possibly forgotten? You’re dressed to the nines as is…â€And what would that be?â€
“My hair! The last time I met with the prince, I took the liberty of rummaging through his mind a little…â€
The young woman gasped, cutting the elder Maruyama off. “Mother! That’s terrible! You can’t do that to a member of the royal family!â€
Sessimine dismissed Naomi’s objection with a few nonchalant waves of her hand. “Calm down, calm down… Of course I don’t make a habit of invading Prince Aias’ mental privacy; however, being the loyal and submissive subject I am, I want to tend to his needs the best I possibly can.â€
“And what, might I ask, does this have to do with your hair?â€
“Prince Aias swoons over brunettes.â€
“Mother! You’re not going to…†Before the student could finish the objection, Sessimine bowed over quickly, flailing her hair about wildly before standing straight once more, her inky locks having lightened up several degrees to a deep brown colour. Frustrated, Naomi continued her rant. “You can’t just go changing your appearance whenever you like! Don’t you think that’s just a little dishonest?â€
“Dishonest?†Sessimine eyed her daughter bewilderedly. “First of all, I have never – nor has anyone in our art – championed the value of truth. The truth can be repugnant and uninviting, the very traits any enchantress with the slightest notion of her proper role seeks to avoid! I’m not suggesting we should lie whenever it suits us, but to value truth for the sake of truth is just…. well, silly – perhaps foolish, even! Secondly, my powers as an enchantress are part of who I am. My capacity to change my appearance as I see fit is a legitimate aspect of my persona as my incredibly clever wit. There’s nothing dishonest about changing the colour of my hair to impress someone – especially if that someone in question is a member of the royal family! And finally… well, silver just does not pair well with brown!â€
A look of confusion manifested itself upon Naomi’s face. She frequently had trouble trying to follow her mother’s twisted sense of logic, but sometimes it was simply impossible to decipher the meaning behind the enchantress’ statements. “Pardon me?â€
“My hair! What else would I be talking about? Remember those icy sparkles that annoy you so much?â€
“Oh yes! Now I see what you’re saying. Yes, you should do something about that. Silver and brown don’t go together very well, you know.â€
Sessimine rolled her eyes and stared at herself in the mirror for several minutes, mumbling to herself until the solution finally occurred to her. “Eureka! I’ve got it!â€
Now it was Naomi’s turn to roll her eyes. “You mean you’ve discovered the obvious solution of removing the dye from your hair?â€
“Of course not! That would be far too pedestrian for someone like me!†With a smirk on her face, the elder Maruyama ran a hand through her hair; several swoops later, the silver dye had turned golden to match the rest the accessories of her outfit. “There! Now what to do you think? Marvelous, no? I think it makes me look at least a hundred years younger, if I do say so myself!â€
“I think you should present yourself to Prince Aias as you are and let him love you with all of your flaws.â€
Sessimine’s eyes widened before her jaw could make its way toward the floor. “Oh… my… Naomi Maruyama, I don’t even know where to begin! Suggesting that I have flaws is bad enough, but suggesting that love has anything to do with this… I… I… You! Banish such preposterous ideas from your confused mind! I would never do something as foolhardy as falling in love – that’s entirely beneath me! I’ll have you know that Prince Aias asked me to the ball this evening because I have been interpreting his dreams lately! His majesty is merely finding a way to reciprocate the services I have provided for him so generously!â€
And generous services I’m sure they were!
“I know what you’re thinking, Naomi – nothing of the sort took place! Now enough of this! We shouldn’t be arguing on the eve of such a delightful occasion! I look wonderful and you look wonderful, so we should be on our way. Agreed?†The elder Maruyama extended both hands toward her daughter, who was still seated firmly upon the sofa. Trying to repress a smile, Naomi allowed her mother to aid her to her feet and straightened out the wrinkles in her gown.
“Agreed. No more arguing.â€
“Excellent!†Sessimine kissed the young woman on her cheek. “Let’s be off. I do believe we’ve provided the prince’s attendants with entertainment long enough.â€
“What do you mean? They’re waiting for us in the carriage, which is supposed to be parked outside the school, right?â€
Her back to the door, the enchantress grinned as she snapped one of her fingers. Seconds later, the same aide who had requested the two ladies’ presence earlier stepped into the room. “Oh cute - another eavesdropper! Naomi, you wouldn’t happen to remember what I did to the last person who snooped on me, do you?â€
“Mother, don’t be cruel! Think delightful occasions!â€
With arms crossed, the enchantress looked her daughter over and then turned to the overly curious servant, giving him the same icy yet playful stare. “Well! Looks like you’re getting off easy this time, aren’t you? A little advice, however… Stick to carriage driving and upholstery – you make for a lousy spy.†Smiling innocently, Sessimine tapped the captivated attendant on the shoulder and pointed toward the door. “Shall we be off?â€
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Stylistically: You showed the thoughts of both Naomi and Sessimine at points, either pick one, or insert a section break.
Gramatically:
The elder Maruyama stepped out from behind the screen with an exasperated look on her face and her hands locked – as usual – firmly on her hips. “Why would Prince Aias ask for me presence at such an important social event? Why wouldn’t he, is the question you should be asking! It’s not like I’m…†Sessimine’s rant was cut short by another knock on the bedroom’s ingress. With lips clenched tightly, the enchantress lifted one of her hands from its position and pointed toward the source of the tapping sound. “Just… get… the door, okay?â€
-"ask for me presence" -> "ask for my presence"
-Put the "Why wouldn't he," in quotes, like 'Why wouldn't he?'
“Dishonest?†Sessimine eyed her daughter bewilderedly. “First of all, I have never – nor has anyone in our art – championed the value of truth. The truth can be repugnant and uninviting, the very traits any enchantress with the slightest notion of her proper role seeks to avoid! I’m not suggesting we should lie whenever it suits us, but to value truth for the sake of truth is just…. well, silly – perhaps foolish, even! Secondly, my powers as an enchantress are part of who I am. My capacity to change my appearance as I see fit is a legitimate aspect of my persona as my incredibly clever wit. There’s nothing dishonest about changing the colour of my hair to impress someone – especially if that someone in question is a member of the royal family! And finally… well, silver just does not pair well with brown!â€
-There's an extra period after the ellipses.
I'm no good with coming up with names (as evidenced by my spell list), so I can't help you there.
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Thanks. That's something I was looking forward to being corrected on. If there aren't any other comments--on style and prose more than anything else, as I proofread grammar fairly well myself--then I'll post it to the story thread tomorrow.
For now, Metroid Prime 2.
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One more post to set up Garg's character. I'll leave it up for comments and probably post it to the story thread Thursday. As opposed to the formal aspect of the last post, this one is Garg's more casual side--and an indication that in either setting, Garg is, generally, angry.
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Scene XX - Lenina Crown
The knocking at Garg’s door was faint, but he heard it clearly. He’d been waiting for it since the elder and Eyram Green had left his room an hour ago. His reply, an invitation to enter, was just as soft, but the caller at his door heard it just as well. The door inched forward and the elder’s secretary slipped in, slowly pushing the door shut until it clicked. Meticulous, it was. That’s what Garg liked about this one so much.
She turned to face him and they stared intently at each other for a while. The corners of Garg’s lips curled downward a bit, and she seemed to recognize this; her gaze grew more and more anxious. He was upsetting her, and with damn good reason, he thought. She’ll soon learn what it means to screw and screw with Garg Wardell.
It wasn’t long before she cracked, broke down into a fit of sobs and incoherent mutterings and rushed to him, arms outstretched, taking it for granted that he would catch her, hold her close and whisper assurances into her ear. But he didn’t stand up, and when she fell down on her knees and wrapped herself around his neck, he didn’t move. She could cry into his shoulder all she wanted, but he wasn’t moving, and every second she continued to blubber about, the risk of some passerby noticing the sound increased—just what she had been trying to avoid in her careful entry.
She seemed to realize this, as her bawling trailed off and she backed up, looking inquisitively at him. He tried to stay sober, but it was difficult. He turned his head to the side, glancing into her eyes, as puffy and watery as they were. He wouldn’t give any sign of emotion, no, but damn if he couldn’t help thinking that she was a pretty one all right, and if ever there was a one worth keeping it’d be her. Too bad he couldn’t.
“What’s wrong?†she sniffed.
“You come in here howling and leaking your face all over my shoulder and you’re asking me what’s wrong!†he said. “Bloody hell, Lenina, I thought you were more fashionable than this.â€
Lenina broke out wailing again, choked out her words in between sobs. “What happened, Garg? What did they say?â€
“It’s not what they said, girl. It’s what you didn’t say.â€
She shook her head, not understanding. Garg snorted.
“You come in here as prim as can be and all you say is ‘Elder’ll be here soon.’ Nothing more, not a word.â€
“B—but, Eyram, Mr. G—Green—“
“Don’t give me that. You know perfectly well as do I that you were deliberately aloof as possible. Tell me, did the elder say he was kicking me out? That he was going to let Eyram run the case without my testimony and take the spoils for his own eldership? What did you know!â€
“Garg, I—I don’t un—understand, I just—“
“Or did he know he was too much of a plum fool, and that he’d screw up the case, and so he was going to kill me and drop the matter before it became public embarrassment? Tell me!â€
Lenina couldn’t stand to face him anymore, buried her head in her hands. Garg stood up, kicked a thing or two around. He’d been saving up all this cruel rage since she walked off earlier, but he hadn’t thought to be this angry with her. He must have been channeling some of his anger at that smug Eyram Green, too. Either way, he was letting it all out now.
She finally composed herself enough to let out a whole sentence in one breath. “Garg, please don’t be so angry with me... I l—love you...â€
He rounded on her, slammed his foot upon his chair and leaned forward on his knee, drawing as close as he could to her face without touching her. “Not one person has ever loved me, and I think I’ll be able to tell the difference when one does.†He stared into her eyes, already regretting how far he’d taken this whole ordeal, and searched for the hint of deceit in them, the sign that she knew what she had gotten herself into and would be able to get over it soon enough, that she knew he was right and she’d be fine with it. When he found that, he held onto it, because it was the only thing preventing him from breaking down.
She had touched a nerve, all right, and it was an acid touch. Even as he tried to concentrate on the purpose of things, he found his stance deteriorating. The thought of his parents never did anything but destroy him. They loved each other, sure, and they had treated him fine, but they never had any love left over for him. He knew that. If they had loved him, it was guaranteed that his families would love him now, but they obviously didn’t. They had disinherited him, and for what? To come crawling back twenty years later, when they realized that he had a shot at becoming more of a lasting legend than they could have collectively in their entire lives? And Garg had patronized them, had let them in on the fame and fortune, all because he was too compassionate, too human to deny them because of his dead parents’ negligence.
The dead parents who wanted him to study interregional law years ago...
“Get out,†Garg said.
“What—“
“I said—“
“Shut up, Garg, and listen to me, for your own damn good.â€
Garg dropped the deceit and saw the spite in her eyes. She held some malice, too, it seemed, and Garg noticed that she was still pretty even with her face all scrunched up.
“You want the truth? Honestly, you’re a bitter asshole and the only reason I argued with the elder not to throw you out was because you know how to please a girl.â€
A game, that’s what it had all been. She’d only just begun to play her part. Well, Garg wasn’t going to let her take her crown.
“Doll-face knows how to hate, huh?â€
She slapped him and stood up, storming away. She was serious, but that didn’t make it any less of a game, and the simple fact was that she didn’t realize it soon enough to win. She turned around at the door.
“I’m not surprised no one ever loved you. You’d probably have no idea of how to react and wind up slitting their throat, you miserable thief.â€
It was a strong blow, all right. Garg commended her for playing valiantly, but still, it took more than that to make a last-minute comeback against Garg Wardell.
“Listen, Queen Leene, would you mind doing your job while you’re busy running away? Tell the elder that he couldn’t throw me out if he wanted to, because with or without his funding, I’ve already got a ticket for the next ferry to Porre and I sent my formal request for schooling to the dean there a week ago. I leave in an hour, toots.â€
She slammed the door behind her.
* * *
The image of Garg's victorious grin burned in Lenina's mind. If she had something to throw at him, she’d have taken out one of his eyes, or maybe walked closer and took a shot somewhere lower on his body. She rushed past the main desk, grabbed her coat and, without stopping, made for the exit.
“Idine,†she called over her shoulder to the other secretary at the desk.
“Ms. Crown?â€
“Tell Elder Openhal I’m out for the day, Idine, and that if that Gargeth Wardell hasn’t made good on his promise to get the hell out of here when I come back tomorrow, I’ll get rid of him myself.â€
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Watch the POV. Near the end you switch from focusing on Garg to focusing on Lenina.
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To make a point that cannot be made in any other way. Just because we're using third person limited doesn't mean POV can't be switched at any point in a scene. I mean, you're going to have lots of trouble telling that to many accredited authors. If this is a major affront to many others, though, I'll include a generic scenebreak (* * *).
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Don't blame authors. This convention is in place for readers. When the POV shifts in the middle of a scene with no section break, the reader is jolted out of the story. More aware readers will realize what's happened; others will just feel that something's wrong.
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I concede. Better?
And taking a quick glance at the books tossed around my desk, I found that only Frank Herbert does such a thing very often, and quite honestly Dune is one hell of a confusing book.
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Well, Dune's written in 3rd-person omniscient style. This style tends to not be very popular for the very reason that it makes it confusing on the reader.
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Exactly the point. But the question is, does this work now?
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Yeah, what you've got works.
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Chapter ## - An Evening Above The Clouds - The Lady and the Princess
Aias sighed when he heard the knock on his door. Would the servants never stop coming and going, asking him the most mundane of questions to which they already knew the answers? “Go away!†he yelled at the closed door. “For the fifth time, my clothes are already set out. For the fourth time, I’ve already ensured that Ensar will be picking Sessimine up in time for the opening gala. For the eighth time, I have already bathed and require no assistance in doing so. And for the last time, leave me in peace so I may relax before my sister’s birthday!â€
He finally turned around, his tirade having finished. He had expected many possible things to be there – a frightened servant, an empty space where a frightened servant had been, a closing door – and had set his most furious scowl on his brow to greet them. However, the sight he beheld when he turned took the fire out of his anger and deflated him like a punctured balloon.
“Hello, Aias,†his younger sister, Eir, said. She smiled at him, amused by his little display. “Shall this common servant go away and leave her master in peace?â€
“Eir,†he sighed happily as he walked toward her. “I’m so sorry about that. The servants haven’t left me alone all day, and I just wanted to relax for a couple minutes.†He embraced her. “However, that just means no servants. Sisters are an exception.†He gestured toward the small living area, and the couches therein. She sat down, and he sat beside her. “Looking forward to your big gala tonight?â€
She leaned back. “Honestly? Not really.†She shook her head, set her blue hair shimmering. “After all, what’s the big fuss about? It’s just me we’re talking about, and it’s not like I haven’t had a birthday before. And besides, with as many as we’ve had, you would think that we wouldn’t really care about them any more.â€
That’s my sister for you, he thought. She always thought of everyone else before herself, and rarely ever made a fuss about anything. However, she also had all the political sense of a house cat. She’s one of the only innocents left in this world, he thought, and that’s why I can’t let the Council win.
“You know, it’s not just a birthday party,†he told her. “This is a state occasion, and we Royals must show the common people that we are still the greatest people on this planet. By showing off our wealth and vanity,†he said sarcastically, “we can reassure the common folk that we are still looking out for them and protecting them from the other evil nations of Earth.†Eir was about to take offense when Aias smiled and laughed. “Or so the political theorists say, whatever they know.†She laughed, realizing he hadn’t been serious. “But Cassandra and I are both forced to have one of these ourselves, so you’re going to have one too, whether you like it or not.â€
She looked at him indignantly, but couldn’t sustain it under the force of his smile. She slowly started to smile, and then laughed. They both degenerated into laughter, a sound too often lacking from the Zealian halls. When he could finally speak again, Aias wheezed out “Eir, you know what?â€
It took a couple of minutes for Eir to get her breath enough to reply. “What’s that, brother?â€
“You are the last bright spot of this entire kingdom,†he said. A cloud floated in front of the sun as if on cue, dimming the room. “I don’t think we could ever stand it if you became as cynical as the rest of us,†he said as the room brightened again. “I know I couldn’t. Don’t ever let us change you.†She nodded somberly.
He stood up, Eir only a beat behind. “In any event, my dear, you have a big night ahead of you.†He smiled at her, hoping to set her at ease. “I’d better let you get to it, and I’d better be getting ready myself.â€
She nodded, and he walked her to the door. As she was about to exit, she turned around and embraced Aias. “Thank you,†she said, and then left the room. He stood there for a few moments, watching as she walked down the corridor, before shutting the door and heading back to the living area. He sighed as he looked at the sky, and went on towards the bedroom to get changed.
About five minutes later, he came back out, ready for the night. A servant had brought the message earlier detailing what Sessimine was to be wearing, and another had ensured that he would match. And even Aias, as fashion-challenged as he was, had to admit that he liked what he saw. The white tunic offset his black coat and pants, and the golden sash he wore at his waist combined with his purple cape to provide a touch of color. He didn’t look half bad, at least so he thought. He was sure one of the servants would fuss about him later, but he didn’t care. That’s what they were supposed to do. Another quick glance at the sky told him that the gala would be starting within the hour, as the sun slid slowly down the horizon. His eye slid across the wall, and caught upon his sword collection. Could probably use one with this, he thought, and picked a ceremonial sword from among them. Fastening the jeweled scabbard to the sash, he turned for the door and heard someone knock. “Enter,†he called, never stopping.
A servant entered, bowing. Aias bade him to rise and speak. “Provostia Sessimine is here, your Majesty.†He told the servant to have her escorted to the Conservatory, and then stepped past him and into the hallway.
He arrived in the Conservatory to find it empty, as he’d hoped. With all of the gala’s opening less than an hour away, everyone was concerned with it. He drew back the curtains along the western wall to reveal the floor-to-ceiling windows covering it. The red light from the sunset cascaded over him, reflecting off of the clouds below and bathing the room in deep reds.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?â€
Aias turned around, a touch startled at the voice, but still calm as he realized that it was Sessimine. She was smiling at him from the center of the room, arms folded across her kimono, which seemed almost blood-red in the light. He bowed to her slightly, and she curtsied back to him, both ignoring the formalities that would normally come with one of his station. “Thank you for coming, Sessimine.†He looked at her dress again. “And, as always, you come in on the cutting edge of fashion.†She curtsied again – no mean feat in the kimono – and stepped up to the window, next to Aias.
“It was my pleasure to be here, my Prince. After all, who can refuse a request from the Prince of Zeal?†She smiled, a ravishing sight in its own right, but he could tell that she was giving her appearance a bit of, shall we say, help. He didn’t let on, though, and proceeded to ignore that fact.
He smiled back, warmed by her smile. “When it’s simply a request and not a command, the right to refuse is always there.†She chuckled slightly at his sincerity, which he also chose to ignore. He looked at her reflection in the window, and noticed something. “You changed your hair color,†he said.
She stroked it gently, smiling. “Do you like it?†He nodded, turning slightly towards her. “Then it was worth it, wasn’t it?†Aias shrugged, but kept a grin on his face. Sessimine looked around for a moment before asking, “So, why are we up here? Shouldn’t we be heading towards the ball?â€
The spell broken, Aias shook his head ever so slightly before replying, “Yes, we should. I wanted to speak with you for a moment before we went in, though, and thought this would make for an excellent place to do so.†He offered her his arm, and then they began walking slowly towards the hallway. “As a member of the Royal Family’s party, you will be in the receiving line as we greet our guests. Don’t worry too much about that; it’s mostly ritualized, although some can be informal. If you want to go mingle with the crowd during the festivities, just ask. It won’t be a problem; and if anyone thinks it will be, I’ll be sure to let them know it isn’t.†Some people said that worst thing that could happen to you than becoming an enemy of the royal family. Other than getting on the wrong side of the Council, Aias didn’t know of any. They continued to talk, now about Eir, whom Sessimine had never met, then about Naomi, whom Aias had never met. Finally, they reached the balcony overlooking the ballroom, where the Royal Family was assembling. They had time for quick introductions before the court page called out from the bottom of the steps, “Presenting his Royal Highness, Prince Aias, escorting Lady Sessimine.â€
“Here we go,†he whispered through the side of his mouth as he took her arm. Slowly, regally, they made their way down the stairs amidst the cheers and applause from the gathered crowd below. Aias couldn’t help but scan the crowd, and picked out fairly easily four of the Council members, none of whom were near each other. Did I expect otherwise? he thought. He knew they’d be here, but his meticulousness wouldn’t let him just assume that.
Once they reached the bottom of the steps, the page cried out “Presenting her Royal Highness, Princess Cassandra, escorted by Sir Kaleo.†He escorted Sessimine to the side, and they turned to clap for his sister and her escort, the spokesman for the School of Sorcery. He was about what she would pick: tall, dark, handsome, and well-spoken, even if he only said what others told him to say. Especially since he only said what others told him to say. Aias shrugged mentally, sure Sess would pick it up, but doubting anyone else would notice.
“Introducing her Royal Highness, Princess Eir, escorted by Sir Suman!†The cheers came to a climax as Eir came forward. Suman, however, seemed on the verge of passing out. He was a student at the School of Summoning, and was also what Aias had thought his sister would pick: caring, gentle, and naïve. However, he quickly recovered from his fright and descended the stairs slowly enough for the crowd to see her, but fast enough to get to level ground quickly.
The page nodded to the trumpeters standing by. “Introducing their Royal Majesties, King Fakhri and Queen Ciarin Zeal!â€
The King and Queen, arm in arm, descended the grand staircase to the ballroom floor amid the cheers and applause of the crowd, waving to them on either side. The trumpeters played the Zealian anthem, and the King and Queen, out of long years of practice, made it to the bottom of the stairs just in time for it to end. King Fakhri raised his arms for silence, and finally got it. “Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to welcome you to my youngest’s birthday!†Cheers and whistles erupted, forcing the king to ask for silence once again. “Now, as a gift, the School of Temporal Magic has decided to make a presentation on its work for the entire assembled audience, which will commence at 8 o’clock sharp.†He paused and looked around solemnly, before breaking into a laugh. “Until then, rejoice! Drink, dance, be merry! This is a party, after all!†Everyone laughed with him, and turned back towards the floor.
“Well, Sessimine,†Aias said, turning back to her, “shall we dance?â€
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“It was my pleasure to be here, my Prince. After all, who can refuse a request from the Prince of Zeal?†She smiled, a ravishing sight in its own right, but he could tell that she was giving her appearance a bit of, shall we say, help. He didn’t let on, though, and proceeded to ignore that fact.
"shall we say" - Avoid using idioms and first person outside of quotes and thoughts.
The spell broken, Aias shook his head ever so slightly before replying, “Yes, we should. I wanted to speak with you for a moment before we went in, though, and thought this would make for an excellent place to do so.†He offered her his arm, and then they began walking slowly towards the hallway. “As a member of the Royal Family’s party, you will be in the receiving line as we greet our guests. Don’t worry too much about that; it’s mostly ritualized, although some can be informal. If you want to go mingle with the crowd during the festivities, just ask. It won’t be a problem; and if anyone thinks it will be, I’ll be sure to let them know it isn’t.†Some people said that worst thing that could happen to you than becoming an enemy of the royal family. Other than getting on the wrong side of the Council, Aias didn’t know of any. They continued to talk, now about Eir, whom Sessimine had never met, then about Naomi, whom Aias had never met. Finally, they reached the balcony overlooking the ballroom, where the Royal Family was assembling. They had time for quick introductions before the court page called out from the bottom of the steps, “Presenting his Royal Highness, Prince Aias, escorting Lady Sessimine.â€
"Some people said that worst thing that could happen to you than becoming an enemy of the royal family. Other than getting on the wrong side of the Council, Aias didn’t know of any." - Awkward. I'd probably change it to "Some people said that little worse could happen to you than becoming an enemy of the royal family. Other than getting on the wrong side of the Council, Aias didn’t know of any such thing." But, that's just how I would do it. Work with it yourself to find something that gets across your intentions.
Once they reached the bottom of the steps, the page cried out “Presenting her Royal Highness, Princess Cassandra, escorted by Sir Kaleo.†He escorted Sessimine to the side, and they turned to clap for his sister and her escort, the spokesman for the School of Sorcery. He was about what she would pick: tall, dark, handsome, and well-spoken, even if he only said what others told him to say. Especially since he only said what others told him to say. Aias shrugged mentally, sure Sess would pick it up, but doubting anyone else would notice.
"Especially" - I'd italicize it.
"Sess" - Change to "Sessimine." Don't use nicknames outside of quotes/thoughts unless that's how the focused character always thinks of this person. This would seem to not be the case, since you say "Sessimine" everywhere else.
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Thanks for the suggestions, Leebot. I took most of them, and the "Sess" thing was an oversight on my part. Only one I left was the one to italicize "Especially", as I think that the impact is conveyed without the extra formatting being needed.
Thanks.
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Failed; I'm going to send him an error log. But how do I configure MS Dos to not scroll everything off screen and make it irretrievable? It's pretty long, so about 80% is scrolled off before the program stops.
Edit: I'm attempting to just do command < file.log .
Okay, that didn't work. The log is empty.
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Failed; I'm going to send him an error log. But how do I configure MS Dos to not scroll everything off screen and make it irretrievable? It's pretty long, so about 80% is scrolled off before the program stops.
Edit: I'm attempting to just do command < file.log .
Okay, that didn't work. The log is empty.
Uh... Was this accidentally posted in the wrong thread or wrong forum?
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Failed; I'm going to send him an error log. But how do I configure MS Dos to not scroll everything off screen and make it irretrievable? It's pretty long, so about 80% is scrolled off before the program stops.
Edit: I'm attempting to just do command < file.log .
Okay, that didn't work. The log is empty.
That's because you're taking input from file.log. Try command > file.log instead.
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Oops. Yeah, I was browsing the WIP section of ZEAL. I'm not ruling out a revival at some point down the line. The site's size will afford a good selection of participants.