That’s right,
The Mishpachah is running this town now, you foolish goyim! We already control the jewelry industry, the real estate industry, the entertainment industry, and the legal and medical professions. The housing bubble? That’s for calling us short. Your prescription drug costs? It’s all for useless sugar pills! Jon Stewart? You think he answers to
America?! Ha hah! And your comfortable Levi Strauss jeans which hug your all-American bottom at this very moment? They’re JOO JEANS! That’s right: We’re all up ons. Soon we will complete the final piece of our takeover by silencing your conspiracy theorists and white supremacists, whose vocal naysaying we have inexplicably left untouched up to this point despite our having supreme global power over everything.
It is too late to run! Our hummus and couscous have already infiltrated your favorite dining establishments. Our pastrami sandwiches on rye have won the hearts and minds of your flabby American stomachs! Our gefilte fish have been held up at customs, but they plan to be across the border and in your private homes by Simchas Torah!
Don’t try to defeat us economically, because we have counted all the money and we know what you owe! Don’t try to defeat us scientifically, because it was we who squared the speed of light and we who created atomic weapons! Don’t try to defeat us by running us over with your cars, because
we have ways of dealing with that! Don’t try to defeat us militarily, because every time anyone has ever tried that our ALMIGHTY ADONAI has slaughtered them, their families, their countries, and their country’s neighbors. And definitely don’t try to defeat us by tempting us with shellfish and pork products, because
most of us secretly love the stuff!!Your feeble popular music is no match for our colorful klezmer street bands and our utterly enthralling dance trance disco rhythms. Your pitiful boardgames and RPGs are no match for our world-spanning Military-Industrial-Dreidel Complex. You sail the seas; we split them in two. You buy food from the store; we make it fall from the sky. You use mountains for silly things like snowboarding and geocaching; we use them for receiving HOLY COMMANDMENTS and, if we’re lucky, for JEWBOARDING, which is like snowboarding, except it involves filet mignon, expensive automobiles, incredibly hot sex, Jacuzzis, fine wine, and lots of jewel-encrusted jewelry. Ever wonder why it’s called JEWelry? It’s because we’re the bloomin’
Michpacha, and don’t you forget it!
We are The Mishpacha!
We run civilization!
Yeah we’re the Chosen Ones
Of all y’all other nations!
When you hear us chanting sh’ma,
You best reach for that kippah,
Or else it might get ugly. (Like yo’ ma!)
Todah. B’vakasha. Slichah.
We’re not asking much,
Just a trifle really,
And when you hear it said aloud
It almost sounds silly:
We don’t want your souls;
We wanna sell you bagels
For the low price of your firstborn child—
And we’ll add a sour dilly.
We inspired the Greeks!
We invented the Geeks!
We even gave you Saturday
To rest between weeks!
All we want in return
Is power and money,
And global domination
Chased with milk and honey.
Or we’ll foreclose on your houses!
And your cars and your spouses!
It’s in the Sidrei Mishnah
Under “Gentile Louses.”
Yeah the Cake was a lie,
But we’d taken off our Holy Hai
So everything’s still kosher
With the Man up above the sky.
Don’t look in that mezuzah.
It would only confuse ya.
But when you hear us chant the sh’ma
You’d better reach for that kippah!
‘Cause we’re The Mishpachah!
And, don’t you know, it’s a mitzvah
To chant the hella holy sh’ma?
Todah. B’vakasha. Slichah.
(And maybe afterwards the veahavta.)
(And the amida.)
(And an aliyah.)
(And then we’ll have oneg.)
(And nothing rhymes with oneg.)
(Maybe Walter Koenig?)
(Nah, he pronounces it wrong.)
(So it's the end of the song.)
And let me be the first to
this topic. =D
