Seriously, I loved it! Although I notice that you've actually strayed from the traditional Japanese necessities of a proper Haiku, and I wouldn't blame you for it, considering despite the shortness of the form it can be quite a pain to set up. In short, I see "syllables" rather than "ons", no fixed count of syllables either, no metonyms or metaphors, no seasonal reference (then again, we don't even have an updated English variant of Sajiki), and certainly no word-cutting, caesura or flow-twisting (here, I judge from independent verses, not the string as whole).
But beyond that, what I do see is nearly perfect rhythm, and that's the most important thing in any poetry! Especially the idea conveyed with good precision in such short forms.
This inspires me to write my own Haiku string. I think I'll invent my own form, though, rather than stick to the traditional Japanese one (which is quite difficult to carry forth into English language due to differences).
