These are my votes for the Writer's Thread contest. Only 2 people have voted so far, and voting ends tomorrow, meaning this will probably be a titanic letdown. Anyhow, I'm banned from OCRemix for (I think) saying the Japanese characters in the logo were azn^___^wapanese and that the whole idea of having an OCR-tan was nerdy to the extreme. Djpretzel's habit of banning people who disagree with him aside, I'm still participating in this contest, so anyone who can post this in the Writer's thread will have my appreciation.
~
ZeaLitY's Picks
Short Story
1. Concerto
2. Jam Stunna
Poetry
1. Graft
2. Recacht
Freeform
1. Damathacus
2. Antonio Pizza
~
Graft:
I sort of enjoyed the end. But wouldn't this be freeform?
Concerto:
I enjoyed the narrative, and the world depicted was pretty colorful. It left me wanting more; some kind of adventure or a greater elaboration on the workings of this universe. I sort of had Trigun in mind, since it too depicts humans on a wasted world in the future (though I'm not sure if Eden is earth or not). Pretty good; with a little more polish for perfect grammar, it'd be killer. The mythos sculpted here is interesting, enough that I'd be on board and accounted for to learn more. So I voted this for tasteful reasons; it captures my imagination and attention much more easily than the other entrants, and sets up a good foundation for future stories. But those future stories need to be written before it can be truly appreciated!
Jam Stunna:
"What was I afraid of? What had scared me so badly when I was younger? What could possibly be in the basement, in the darkness?" I got interested at that point, and wish it might have come a little earlier. It seems the protagonist has found faith in himself to stand against darkness rather than depending on outside forces or external light, which is a good theme. I might agree with some of damathacus's criticisms; the narrative seemed like a mix of ethereal time periods, as days and nights flew by like a dream.
Non_existinghero:
Just try to stay in one verb tense. Switching from present to past can work if you imagine that some guy is sitting in front of you telling the story, but the narrative seemed a little too professional for that. Other than that, just work on style, and try to throw some description in there. Like, when the guys ambush Jacob, you might describe the weight or blunt edge of their weapons, or the maniacal expressions on their face. Anything to set the mood and contribute to the story is good.
DuomPhuoxes:
I just have two notes. Firstly, Kasen punting the ball into someone's face seems a little implausible and also evil; it made me not sympathize with the character. Lastly, the story seemed to be setting up a surprise ending, with another revelation about the drinking night. Nonetheless, it was okay.
Imagery:
I didn't place this high because of its quality, but just for personal tastes. Man, these guys are losers.
Antonio Pizza:
I suppose I could agree with damathacus here as well about the disembodied voice. For a little while, I actually thought the message was coming from the end of that Tupac song (I've never heard it, but I do know Crossroads, since it was really popular at my elementary school), and the words coming from the radio would have been interesting. But I went back and read the presence of her name in the calling out to her, which sort of discounted that possibility.
~
Dravinvry:
Pretty clever. The reptition of words in the first lines of each stanza made it seem a little nursery rhymish, but this doesn't detract from the overall story. I'd agree with damathacus and say that once you find definitive rhyme and meter, you can crank out some great verse.
Zipp:
Yes and no. Yes because the dream sequence and wake-up works; no because the turn of phrase wasn't your creation.
damathacus:
The word "Porcelain" somehow worked here. That's my only comment.
Graft:
Yes, this is interesting. Mish-mashing a bunch of words together often doesn't get the point across, but this clearly defines a cheap Asian restaurant or convenience store and the cheapness of the little trinkets and dingy insides of the shop. It's like, "here is some dude peddling Asian crap; the cultures are colliding in minute, material ways in gimmicks, dainty antiques, and processed Chinese food." That is the way of experiencing the East for only $5.50. It works. Big Trouble in Little China is this.
Ubernym:
Pretty neat; I just have two notes. Firstly, I'd change "she dumb as hell too" to something a little better, and I'll tell you why on my second point. Secondly, I would have liked one positive evaluation of a person just to balance it out at the end, or at least some kind of conclusion. Otherwise, with both these factors considered, the protagonist seems to be just some jerk sitting at a bus stop criticizing everyone as worthless. Other than that, I had "Come Together" by the Beatles in my mind instantly upon beginning to read it. This works from that perspective; imagine some cool cat on Haight-Ashbury watching the white collar conservatives flashing down the street, pointing their plastic finger at him (description borrowed from Hendrix). He knows he's cooler than they could ever be.
Jam Stunna:
Yeah, you said everything that could be said about this one.
JJT:
An interesting perspective.
Rechact:
A thoughtful piece, it reminded me of a sci-fi setting. The doubleshot of the astral images flying by at the speed of light and the absence of punctuation make it a little hard to follow, but the story wraps itself up nicely with that perfect last phrase -- "The silence of the stars." The poem does have some issues with flow, and could really excel if they were fixed.
Aurisor:
Not much to say for this one. The narrative is okay, and the imagery is interesting.
Imagery:
Pretty good ending; as I approached it, I was hoping it'd be about some adult who still likes to go out and do wild things.
Great_Deku
A self-contained piece; no complaints here.
Antonio Pizza
It rhymes, and it works, but just out of personal tastes, it wasn't very lyrical.
