Hey guys,
I've been looking through my past posts when I first came here. At the time, I was but a silly 19-early 20s kid, and as embarrassing as they were, they're still a big part of my history. I had anger issues, even when I made up my mind to turn over a new leaf. It was around 2007 when I came out after over a decade of on and off girly phases. I didn't like how I was angry all the time, short fused, and what not.
I had loved Chrono Trigger since playing it in 2002, Schala being my absolute favorite character, because in her I saw what I wanted to become: gentle, compassionate, and also importantly, not let the little things bother me. A deep regret that comes to mind is in 2009 when I was mistakenly banned based on a comment taken out of context, and I came back utterly enraged. Zeality is only human, and I would've done well to have been mindful of that.
Another thing I regret is my narcissistic god complex when I did take up the identity of Schala, dropping my deadname, Christian. I basically pranced around claiming to be the real Schala, feeling sour toward others who'd disagree, etc. It was immature, it was stupid, and it was embarrassing in retrospect.
This was around the time I met and befriended Captain B, our resident Magus cosplayer (and resident goofball). I think his friendship has been imperative in my growth these past 17 years. Had I never met, or never befriended him as much as I did, I wouldn't have learned to be nearly the person I am today. We even considers ourselves siblings through thick and thin, and our LARP chemistry is fantastic, I've been told by others.
Today, I've strived to be a lot like Schala in personality and name. I'm of course not a magic princess from an ancient kingdom. I'm Schala, the woman who was born a man, who's a cocky nerd, with a rocky history that has taught me to be better, and often likes to entertain people by LARPing as my Chrono Trigger namesake.
My past up until now, even as Christian, is always going to be my past, mistakes and all. To erase Christian, and all my shitty antics when I first came out, is to erase what ultimately made me, me. I will not hide that.
Today, I try my best to be charitable and help those I love and those I respect. I am still a little narcissistic, but I've learned to temper it greatly. Besides, making other people happy often makes me happy. I don't do it expecting anything in return. It just feels good to help others, because I often feel good in return. That also includes either helping, or attempting to help others that people gave up on, or who are misunderstood. Granted, it's bitten me in the ass, and some people I fully regret even acknowledging. It's taught me I can't help everyone, because they are stubborn to a toxic degree, but it reinforces who my friends are. There are even tons of folks with animosity towards me in my time growing that I wish nothing but good luck to, because they are genuinely good people. My conduct at the time was completely at fault, and it has helped me learn.
In the end, my name is Schala. I've come a ways trying to adopt her personality and her character to my own, She's only a fictional character, though. She will never become any more or less than how she's been portrayed in her media over and over for the past over 2 decades, and that will never change. Me though, I took that and cultivated a real embodiment, and continue to live and grow that. There's plenty of differences that makes me "me" and not "Schala from Chrono Trigger" though: I'm pretty tomboyish, witty, engaged to a wonderful man, and I'm a big geek.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk
Love always,
Schala
