Author Topic: The Dating and Relationships Thread  (Read 6619 times)

Exodus

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #15 on: December 01, 2006, 05:19:45 pm »
Quote from: Hadriel
If you don't have confidence, though, you get rejected, which gives you less confidence, which gets you rejected.  It's a vicious cycle, and it doesn't just apply to relationships.  That sort of thing can happen in every facet of your life, not just relationships.  If you fail a math test, your confidence gets hit; you might decide to buck up and study harder next time, or you might decide that you just suck at math and won't even try anymore.  Every person I've ever tutored in it has had some symptoms of that particular syndrome.

This is a defense mechanism of the brain, actually. Negative experiences are kept in memory (along with pretty much everything else, really) and when something similar in nature to a previous negative experience happens, you tend to panic. The defense lies in that it scares you away from potential danger.

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #16 on: December 01, 2006, 06:13:29 pm »
Well if you really want to get down to it as far as stuff between men and women goes, it's the people who are most afraid of being alone and most uncomfortable with themselves that most desire relationships and also are the same ones who never have any luck with the opposite sex because they telegraph their insecurity and lack of self-confidence.  The path to getting the opposite sex to notice you is self-discovery and building self confidence.  After that, the opposite sex noticing you just happens because you're confident in yourself and you're telegraphing that.  Moral of the story: confidence is attractive. 

Hmmm... I don't believe that. It's not made a whit of difference for me. I'm not any more noticed now that I am self-confident than before when I wasn't. Confidence isn't it.

Actually, I tend to handle rejection really well. It doesn't much hurt my own self-confidence and, in the past, the opposite has been the case. Sound strange? Not really. I don't quite mind if someone says no to me because they'd rather not go out with me - what I hate is if I've done something wrong, or not given something due effort. As long as I'm okay with how I myself have handled things, I'm good.

Or, okay, an amendment. Generally the frustration exists for me. But in specific circumstances, that's how I feel. Hadriel said it happens with tests, too, but I'm mostly immune to that effect. All it serves to do is either make me think a.) I did my best, so it's not my problem... or, if I didn't do my best b.) next time I'd better damn study. Failed a test, fine. Over and done with. Then I have to work twice as hard for the final. It's happened to me before. And usually I'm like this with the few women I've asked out, too. I think 'alright, that was a good try.' I compliment myself for actually having tried (because a side-effect of waiting so long as I do is that it does breed anxiety about actually asking someone out, so to have steeled myself up and not faltered is a matter of self-congratulation.) Of course, it WOULD be nice if things would work out now and again, but at least my own confidence isn't too easily shaken. Actually, all that happens is that I feel generally irritated and cynical and bitter about the whole subject. But that doesn't make it more difficult the next time there might be a new opportunity. I'm really good for suddenly brightening my mood if circumstance changes - at heart, I think I'm rather optimistic, after all. The most enjoyable thing is winning a victory over one's own self after all.

Oh, and with what Hadriel quoted, yeah, maybe that's why I'm so picky with women. I know I won't change someone, so I'm looking for someone who's already a bit like me. My interest rarely goes towards the good-looking types, or at least that's not my first inclination. What actually really appeals to me is an interesting - or at least a seeming interesting - character. Maybe a bit of an eccentricity. Someone who's already their own sort of person (defenitely not one of the crowd.) Heh. I suppose that's what's frustrating. I'm looking for someone a bit like me - not specific interests, neccessarially, but an ability to have pan-academic interests - and as such figure... if I'm looking for that in a girl, can't a girl be looking for that in a guy? Whatever. I've never been, nor ever will be (nor would really want to be) the sort of guy with lots of dates and what not. If I have to wait a bit longer than most, so be it.

Burning Zeppelin

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #17 on: December 01, 2006, 08:18:08 pm »
The thing with me is that if I get rejected, I realize the girl doesn't like me as much as I like her, when I thought she liked me as well.

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #18 on: December 01, 2006, 10:48:07 pm »
Relationships are for the birds. Though there be true power in knowing your enemy, first you must know thyself.

...That's from Wrath of Khan, right? :?

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #19 on: December 01, 2006, 10:55:32 pm »
Though there be true power in knowing your enemy, first you must know thyself.

...That's from Wrath of Khan, right? :?

No, that saying originally came from the television show Diff'rent Strokes.

alarmclock

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #20 on: December 02, 2006, 01:50:24 pm »
Where is the porn?

DBoruta

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #21 on: December 02, 2006, 05:36:14 pm »
Quote from: Daniel Krispin
Or, okay, an amendment. Generally the frustration exists for me. But in specific circumstances, that's how I feel. Hadriel said it happens with tests, too, but I'm mostly immune to that effect. All it serves to do is either make me think a.) I did my best, so it's not my problem... or, if I didn't do my best b.) next time I'd better damn study. Failed a test, fine. Over and done with. Then I have to work twice as hard for the final. It's happened to me before. And usually I'm like this with the few women I've asked out, too. I think 'alright, that was a good try.' I compliment myself for actually having tried (because a side-effect of waiting so long as I do is that it does breed anxiety about actually asking someone out, so to have steeled myself up and not faltered is a matter of self-congratulation.) Of course, it WOULD be nice if things would work out now and again, but at least my own confidence isn't too easily shaken. Actually, all that happens is that I feel generally irritated and cynical and bitter about the whole subject. But that doesn't make it more difficult the next time there might be a new opportunity.

Well, don't get frustrated.  Based off of the fact that you said you take rejection well and that you seem to approach women like you would a test, that makes me think you're falling into the same problem I had for quite some time - trying too hard.  I used to think that if I tried harder next time some girl I was interested in would like me.  Before I knew it, I was trying too hard and coming on too strong and really just taking blows to my confidence.  Now, I just talk to a girl with confidence and it turns up like this - either she and I end up being interested in each other or we end up becoming friends.  Worst case scenario is we become friends.  Not bad if you think about it really - I always approach it like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

I'll give you an example - just today I introduced myself to a girl I had class with a couple years ago that I had actually been wanting to talk to for some time but I never had the confidence to talk to her until recently.  So, we happened to be next to each other in line at this little cafe' and all I did was ask her if we were in class together.  I pretty much opened a faucet, as she was talking my head off before I knew it, and I found the opportunity to introduce myself to her and learn a little bit about her and let her learn about me.  All in all it was a pretty good first impression, and now there's an open door in the future for either to be friends with her or something more.  I see it as part of the fun of it - seeing what will develop and which way things might go. 

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #22 on: December 02, 2006, 05:45:17 pm »
My issue is possibly a mild from of AS. Approaching social situations analytically never accomplishes anything, but that's been the natural approach to me. It's an interesting problem.

Daniel Krispin

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #23 on: December 03, 2006, 04:26:43 am »
Well, don't get frustrated.  Based off of the fact that you said you take rejection well and that you seem to approach women like you would a test, that makes me think you're falling into the same problem I had for quite some time - trying too hard.  I used to think that if I tried harder next time some girl I was interested in would like me.  Before I knew it, I was trying too hard and coming on too strong and really just taking blows to my confidence.  Now, I just talk to a girl with confidence and it turns up like this - either she and I end up being interested in each other or we end up becoming friends.  Worst case scenario is we become friends.  Not bad if you think about it really - I always approach it like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

I'll give you an example - just today I introduced myself to a girl I had class with a couple years ago that I had actually been wanting to talk to for some time but I never had the confidence to talk to her until recently.  So, we happened to be next to each other in line at this little cafe' and all I did was ask her if we were in class together.  I pretty much opened a faucet, as she was talking my head off before I knew it, and I found the opportunity to introduce myself to her and learn a little bit about her and let her learn about me.  All in all it was a pretty good first impression, and now there's an open door in the future for either to be friends with her or something more.  I see it as part of the fun of it - seeing what will develop and which way things might go. 

Maybe I do, but I know I don't come on too strong. I'd say the opposite is the problem.

As for the second paragraph, I can only say 'if only'. And there I'm thinking of a specific one. Laconic and reticent are the right words for her. If only the worst cast scenario would be becoming friends. Heck, that would be a pretty good scenario. If I acted in the way you say in your second paragraph I'd get about a one word response, and have her walk away as quickly as possible. No all women respond well to trying to be conversational.

Actually, the only reason I said women and tests in the same breath was because it was mentioned before. They're nothing alike. I put far too little thought into tests for there to be a comparison. I think I studied what, fifteen minutes for my last Classics test? Heh. Ended up with a good mark, though.

Anyway, I actually do tend to have the first inclination to act as you've said. The problem is, in those situations those are usualy women that I'd rather just be friends with, rather than actually go out with. So that all works well in order to be generally friendly with people. It doesn't work so well otherwise, because, well, there are too many factors. Firstly, I'd have to be sure about myself. That's important, because I'm not going to set myself up for something I'm not sure I want to do. Secondly, there are the myriad of factors concerning the woman. I'll admit it, I'm picky, but I have to be. Not just any woman will do - not just if 'I happen to get along with them' or any of that rot. I'm an exceptionally long-term thinker, so I absolutely disdain doing things ephemerally. Just doing things on the fly is rather irritating, as it's not responsible. The thing is, the sort of woman I need isn't just someone I can get along with now ... and that's one of the problems. I'm sure you'll say 'well, you never know who you'll get along with until you try', to which my reply is that 'even if you can get along with someone for now, for a while, or if they're fun, that's being foolish. You need someone whom you can spend your life with.' Not to mention the fact that I really don't like women who are overly cheerful, or silly, which seems to be in the majority. There are few scholar-girls out there, and that is about the only thing that will do for me. Oh, and let's not forget the religious corner, too. I'm devoutly religious, such as 90% of the population isn't, which does pose great trouble in this regard. I'm not one to bow easily on matters of religion, nor am I all to compromising. With friends, yes, it doesn't bother me, but with a woman I'd perhaps marry? It's an issue that I'm not sure how I'd handle. For all this, I cannot simply take it lightly.

You see, most people have a more loose idea of dating, but I've not been raised like that, and I cannot bring myself to think like that no matter what. If I ask someone out, it's someone whom I think I might be able to spend my life with. Impossible to say now, you say? Not as impossible as you might think. And at least I try and be responsible. 90% of the population isn't.

Of course, what you said there is supposing the fact that a girl would have the time to just chat in reply. That's a rare thing. University has this way of scattering people after class, and it's difficult to do during. I'm very serious, so I'd be loath to make an obvious small-talk comment just to start a conversation - I always would need a reason to talk. And that's a rare thing. And even when it bloody well presents itself, not every girl seems willing to be nice enough to give so much as two conversational words in reply. Apparently. Hmph.

I'm just a regular old curmudgeon, eh? Actually, that's the problem, you see? In things like this, I don't act like a kid, I don't act like a youth. I act like someone old, resevered and patient. Weighing my own thoughts and feelings and definitely not acting on impulse... well, usually not. And the sort of girl I'd need... she could respect that. For she herself would not be one to act by transient emotion. I'd rather date a recluse than one overly gregarious... they tend to be more interesting. Of course, the more reclusive seeming ones are basically un-attainable, or so I've discovered. Yeah...

Okay, so I'll admit it. I might try too hard, but that is in my bloody character, and without that it wouldn't be me. To suddenly become more gregarious and loose would require changing a very core aspect of who I am, that seriousness which pervades much of my thinking. People have told me I'm not fun. Well, maybe I'm not. Or my ideas of fun aren't what most people think of, and aren't what most girls care for. But I'm not changing. However, I know I don't come on too strong - okay, maybe I have in the past, but I've learned since then.

DBoruta

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #24 on: December 04, 2006, 12:43:47 am »
Quote from: Daniel Krispin
As for the second paragraph, I can only say 'if only'. And there I'm thinking of a specific one. Laconic and reticent are the right words for her. If only the worst cast scenario would be becoming friends. Heck, that would be a pretty good scenario. If I acted in the way you say in your second paragraph I'd get about a one word response, and have her walk away as quickly as possible. No all women respond well to trying to be conversational.

Well, of course there are girls out there that will respond in that manner too.  I suppose I tend to avoid them - I'm pretty good at reading personalities at times, so I usually don't waste my time on a girl that I think is going to be rude in return to a kind gesture from me.  It happens every now and then to every guy, but really in the end it's their loss for being stuck up.

Quote from: Daniel Krispin
Anyway, I actually do tend to have the first inclination to act as you've said. The problem is, in those situations those are usualy women that I'd rather just be friends with, rather than actually go out with. So that all works well in order to be generally friendly with people. It doesn't work so well otherwise, because, well, there are too many factors. Firstly, I'd have to be sure about myself. That's important, because I'm not going to set myself up for something I'm not sure I want to do. Secondly, there are the myriad of factors concerning the woman. I'll admit it, I'm picky, but I have to be. Not just any woman will do - not just if 'I happen to get along with them' or any of that rot. I'm an exceptionally long-term thinker, so I absolutely disdain doing things ephemerally. Just doing things on the fly is rather irritating, as it's not responsible. The thing is, the sort of woman I need isn't just someone I can get along with now ... and that's one of the problems. I'm sure you'll say 'well, you never know who you'll get along with until you try', to which my reply is that 'even if you can get along with someone for now, for a while, or if they're fun, that's being foolish. You need someone whom you can spend your life with.' Not to mention the fact that I really don't like women who are overly cheerful, or silly, which seems to be in the majority. There are few scholar-girls out there, and that is about the only thing that will do for me. Oh, and let's not forget the religious corner, too. I'm devoutly religious, such as 90% of the population isn't, which does pose great trouble in this regard. I'm not one to bow easily on matters of religion, nor am I all to compromising. With friends, yes, it doesn't bother me, but with a woman I'd perhaps marry? It's an issue that I'm not sure how I'd handle. For all this, I cannot simply take it lightly.

Well, one of the biggest problems with women our age (I'm in college too) is that the vast majority of them aren't thinking about marriage and I don't think they want to be thinking about marriage anytime soon anyway.  At least, that's how it is where I go to school.  I think it's gonna be really hard for any guy to find a girl who's thinking about things the way you're thinking about them - it doesn't mean they don't exist, but it will be really hard to find that kind of girl.  You seem to be pretty sure about what kind of girl you want, and I wish you the best of luck in finding that kind of girl.     
 

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #25 on: December 04, 2006, 01:19:03 am »
If I may open the course of debate, I have a strong, non-religious advocation of monogamy. My only ammunition is that one's full attentive power is available for love when only two exist in a relationship. However, I'm sure at some point in my life I'm going to have to defend my position against something like polyfidelity. Anyone want to open a discussion?

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #26 on: December 04, 2006, 01:21:32 am »
If I may open the course of debate, I have a strong, non-religious advocation of monogamy. My only ammunition is that one's full attentive power is available for love when only two exist in a relationship. However, I'm sure at some point in my life I'm going to have to defend my position against something like polyfidelity. Anyone want to open a discussion?

Sorry. Normally I'd love to oblige, but all six of my heads are busy tonight. My hell-wenches are giving me guff for being inattentive. Can I help it if there's only one of me below the neck?

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #27 on: December 04, 2006, 05:26:19 am »
Well, one of the biggest problems with women our age (I'm in college too) is that the vast majority of them aren't thinking about marriage and I don't think they want to be thinking about marriage anytime soon anyway.  At least, that's how it is where I go to school.  I think it's gonna be really hard for any guy to find a girl who's thinking about things the way you're thinking about them - it doesn't mean they don't exist, but it will be really hard to find that kind of girl.  You seem to be pretty sure about what kind of girl you want, and I wish you the best of luck in finding that kind of girl.       

I disagree. I know several college age (and attending) girls who are getting married or considering it. Many girls are looking to get married in college. Chin up.

Quote from: Zeality
If I may open the course of debate, I have a strong, non-religious advocation of monogamy. My only ammunition is that one's full attentive power is available for love when only two exist in a relationship. However, I'm sure at some point in my life I'm going to have to defend my position against something like polyfidelity. Anyone want to open a discussion?

I'll play devil's advocate here. You suggest that love is a zero sum game. By that token, parents of multiple children are doing a disservice to all of their children, since to love one is to love another that much less.

ZeaLitY

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #28 on: December 04, 2006, 01:21:38 pm »
My old AP psychology book did talk about a study in which successive children in large families were shown to have lower IQs than their immediate older siblings.

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Re: The Dating and Relationships Thread
« Reply #29 on: December 04, 2006, 02:01:29 pm »
My old AP psychology book did talk about a study in which successive children in large families were shown to have lower IQs than their immediate older siblings.

How large a family, and how much lower? Also, how much of a gap between births are we talking about? There is a sweet spot between children for physical health, that may also be part of it. If this is the case, and it has to do with the hormonal state of the mothers body, multiple wives could alleviate this problem.

But that's more an argument about having large families, and about it from a more practical standpoint. Parents of children with substandard intelligence still love those unfortunate children.