Why is everybody in such a rush to find a mate? You'll all have most of your lives for that. Enjoy the single years! Find completion in yourself, find satisfaction on your own...and then you'll be in a much better position to talk about what you want in a lover.
Hmph. Good advice, to be sure. But nonetheless...
What's the rush? I don't know. I'm almost 23 - I think that's high time. I have a university degree, working on another one. I suppose I sort of feel 'alright, enough of this bloody schoolwork; I've been so focussed on it, I've missed out in forging relationships.' Because that's how it's been. The way most people see it, I have a very dull life (I'd contest that, of course; personally, I find reading literature and learning dead languages to be quite fulfilling, more so than doing what their defenition of 'fun' is.)
But I must say, I find little enjoyment in the single years (that is, I'm guessing, as opposed to what it'd be non-single - the single doesn't add anything to my enjoyment of life), at least not in anything that being not single would change. My only joys comes from reading my ancient works, from my studies, from my writing. I've got little stock in being free to do my own things, because I never really do. Yeah, sure I waste a lot of time on the computer, but that's something I'd gladly cut out. I guess it's just that I'm not someone to value my freedom as a youth much, partially because I've never felt its existence. But I think that's a family trait - maybe even genetic. My parents especially are very much work and duty oriented. Like it or not, that's what I'm stuck with for myself, and as such, being raised as I was, wouldn't even really know how to go out and enjoy myself like most people do. The coffee shop is my favoured hangout, after all. Heh. Honestly, single or not, it wouldn't really change anything for me. I'm 'wasting' my single years in academics, anyway.
But you're right to some degree, and I know it. When one finds completion in oneself, then you'll be in a better position. Though it might be said not having experienced any real relationships in youth make it difficult to know how to begin them later. A sort of crucial developmental step that's lacking, as it were. And yes, I'm speaking from personal experience, I'll not deny that. Not that I lack social graces or anything - I'm personable, and friendly (usually), if a bit overly-talkative at times to people I know - but am far too patient and reserved for my own good. It makes it difficult to forge any sort of relationship when one's always holding back because of uncertainty - always wanting to be sure and in control and understanding of one's own decisions. It's the uncertainty that always kills me. And I'm never one to just act on impulse. And, partially, that's because I'm not sure what the proper way of acting in circumstances with women often is. My own fault, of course - too bloody serious, and I think WAY too much for my own good - but hey, it's my character and nature. Not much to be done about that.
So, yeah, I'm not all too up on the whole relationship thing. My character and personality, and various other things, have the twofold problem of, on one hand making me too pensive to usually ask women out (not cowardly fear, though it might be construed as that - if I knew that it was the right thing to do, I'd go for it without problem; not knowing if it is right is my main concern), and on the other of making me appear too... hmm... not very desirable from first impressions. My hobbies aren't too gregarious, I'm tall but very scrawny, and too innately serious to be noticed by most women.* Yeah, sure, I've got pretty good intelligence, but it's the slow and academic sort. I'm not quick-witted, and not really funny (for some strange reason women seem to want their men to be entertainers these days, or that's what I gather from how many say that they want a guy who can make them laugh. What's up with that? I sure don't want a woman who makes me laugh. I want one whom I can have serious discussions with), and not very prone to having 'fun.' I'm very much different than most people my age. It takes a very certain, and rare, sort of woman who can understand and respect that - as yet, I don't think I've met any. But don't think I'm depressive, either! On the flipside, heck, I don't think badly of myself. I'm confident enough, and like myself how I am. Okay, sure, I know I can improve my own resolve to do my schoolwork (I am too bloody lazy usually), but that's just the problem of not having fully actualized myself. Like I said, I'm different, but I'm bloody proud of that - I've got no desire to blend into the crowd, as it were. It's only unfortunate that, as is to be expected, most women prefer men who do follow the crowd. Most really don't value my virtues. And I'm not giving in ever - I'm not bending and following the crowd for that cause. In the end, this will either get me the perfect woman, or nothing.
Okay, I'm blabbing here like an idiot. My last word on relationships? I haven't had any, because I just don't ask anyone out. For fear? Nah. Girls don't scare me (okay, some do, but that's specific circumstance) - not being able to read the signs of things, nor knowing exactly what is proper, and valuing acting rightly perhaps too much, lead me to hold back most often. If I were to ask someone out that I'd seen once, or twice, or even ten times, that'd be too soon for my cautious mind - it would just seem strange to me. I think I have to wait for a very, very clear indication that both she likes me, and I like her (knowing oneself is often very difficult, of course.) As such, I don't often approach women (only when I'm absolutely sure it's what I want, which has been rare - occassionally, but rare), and of course women don't really approach me (nor do I think would I really clue in anyway if they did.) Thus, it's simple, I've never really given having a relationship with anyone half a chance.
Sound too emotional? Yeah, probably. Unfortunately this topic brings that out in me. My emotions are one of those things I'd wish to change about myself - I'd rather be a bit more of a Stoic, I think I have a bit too much visible emotion. Admittedly this topic does vex me greatly, but nevertheless Lord J's words are what reason tells me. And at the end of the day, it is that which wins.
*Yeah, it's not that I'm that bad looking. I don't think I am, at any rate. It's just I probably seem a bit sickly. I usually stay up till all hours of the night (like now), so I'm tired as hell most of the time. I eat irregularly, and am incredibly pensive and worried (a touch of hypochondria - I'm always worried about some thing or another), which drains a lot of energy. As such, despite being 6' tall, I'm only 140lb or so. Quite scrawny and gaunt, and probably look half-dead most of the time. On the same token, I'm usually pretty intense and serious, at least by inward nature. Strangely, I'll be the first to laugh at things (a bit too silly in that regard, but can't help it), but really, I treat things very seriously. I don't like the ephemeral or the trivial, usually. I probably look like some academic monk or something. A sort of scholarly recluse - I guess that's basically what I am, anyway. That doesn't create a very endearing first impression. But that, too, is in my nature. I like myself looking gaunt; I like my intensity. I have no inclination to change that. That instills the benefit of self-confidence, at least, but I'm still a fringe personality. I'm definitely not of a cool crowd type, nor am I a nerd either. In memory I still detest those more nerdy years of mine - actually, I stopped wearing my glasses in the summer because I just didn't like the way they look on me. Granted, I can't see quite as well, but it's minor (my eyes aren't that bad.) I like to see myself as more of an artist-scholar. Delusions of grandeur? Heh. Maybe, but I like that self-image, so I'm sticking with it. Anyway, furthermore, I've got that strange personality - actually, it seems to rather run in the family - where I've got no problem being friendly with people, having long conversations with absolute strangers, and generally feeling comfortable in crowds, yet not forging friendships or relationships out of it. Almost like... everything is very much on a professional level - not personal. I'm loath to impose myself personally on someone - I guess I feel like I'm there to teach them something, to give them something I know (heh, I guess I'm a born professor), but that's just it... I'm teaching, or having an intellectual conversation. Again, not a very endearing trait, at least not as a first impression. I guess I'm interesting, but not particularly desirable. Someone like me is probably too much effort for a woman to want to put in. I'm not simple, and I'm not like most other guys. In my defence for that, I would not ever want a simple woman. I would honestly want one who is eccentric.
Anyway, last thing...
In the immortal words of Hadriel: I think, therefore I'm single.
