I was standing in line at the store tonight, in a dress, with makeup and other girly things on (long story, heh), and there was a group of guys and girls behind me in line being idiots and making fun of me... Including one girl's comment: "Why did you cut all your hair so short? You look like a man."
It was her snide tone that did it. When I'm absolutely enraged, my eyes water uncontrollably. It's an involuntary reaction. I'm not crying, or sobbing my eyes out. I'm so mad I can barely speak. It doesn't happen often, but it hit me then, and it took all my willpower to calmly tell the girl that no, I didn't cut my hair off. I lost it. It fell out. I would have much rather kept it but now it's gone and it won't grow back for a long time. They then proceeded to laugh at my watering eyes, thinking I was crying, and continued to be snide. I was so angry by that point I could barely speak. I just set my stuff down and left the store. I couldn't take a moment more.
I am getting sick and tired of the idea that I am somehow not proper because my hair is so short and I dare not to cover it up with a hat or a scarf of some sort. But when I suggest that this is all possibly rooted in a concept of religious modesty, people get defensive and say, "Oh no, we're not Muslim." They miss the point entirely. I don't know what else to do to make myself "look like a girl." I get told every day, at least once, that I look too boyish, gay, or whatnot. Someone always comments. "Wow, your hair is so short! You look so... um.. tough! Yeah!" And when I explain the alopecia, they say, "Oh, but you should really wear a wig or a hat until it grows out, so you don't look like such a boy, and you'll be prettier."
I'm sorry,
what the fuck is wrong with me having short hair? What part of my entire appearance has confused you about my gender? Is it the dress? The makeup? The jewelry? My very obvious female anatomy? Why was I "pretty" when I had long hair, but "ugly and boyish" now that my hair is short?
Nothing else has changed. And I am so goddamn sorry to all those that have had to look upon my bald head or short hair, so motherfucking sorry that I had alopecia and had
no choice in the matter and lost my hair. Clearly, it burdens everyone else so much more that they have to look upon me for two seconds than it burdened me to lose my hair. Clearly. Because it's not like losing your hair against your will could be traumatic or hurtful in any way, right? "Hair doesn't matter," they say when you're sick, until it starts to grow back, and then it's "your hair makes you look like a man." SHUT UP.
There's a lot of faulty ideas about gender identity. It's okay for a girl to be masculine and it's okay for a guy to be feminine. But I'm just getting frustrated with the short hair being used as a weapon to insult and criticize my own identity, as if long hair were the only thing to make me female. I've been taking a stand against these folks for a while, but it's getting to the point where I'm trying to decide if I'd do better hiding behind a wig or a hat until it really does grow longer (and with the summer heat that's coming up... oye). I just can't keep taking the comments. I don't know what it is about the South that makes people feel entitled to air their intolerance so publicly, so unabashedly. I'm even knocking heads with my bellydancing teacher about it! She doesn't really want me to perform in her show without wearing a wig or a headdress, because "traditional Raqs Sharqi dancers have long hair." Can I get a break somewhere,
please? Am I not immune even in my hobbies?
Anyway, I'm not a little boy, and the way those words have been leveled at me as an insult lately, it's making me feel completely unattractive and very ugly. And that's even though I understand the problems and prejudices associated with the insults. There just comes a point where that stuff adds up, and it starts to really hurt.
EDIT: Pictures I posted on the Pictures thread in recent months (I'm the fourth post down):
http://www.chronocompendium.com/Forums/index.php/topic,6631.1080.htmlIs there a reason why the first picture is "pretty," but the second is not? Two months separate them, and nothing else changes but the hair. (People here on the Compendium were awesome. But in general, everyone else raved about how pretty I was in the first picture, but remain silent on the second.)
I just don't understand. Someone explain it to me, please.
