My greatest fear... is not being given a chance to explain myself. Not being forgiven for making a mistake. Not being understood.
Don't get me wrong, I encourage criticism towards me. I ENCOURAGE reasonable antagonisms. Sure, sometimes I just bat it away at first, but eventually I grow to realize it and value it, even though the realization may be much more than what the criticism was in its original stage. It takes time, but I get there. And such instances, especially here at the Compendium, has helped me grow and become more aware of the world I live in. That, and books which challenged my thoughts time and again, compassionately and gently. (I don't respond well to aggressive means; they do more damage than good.)
But that's not the point. My point is that, ever since a child, I've always been
punished for failing at anything, as if failing itself is a great sin. It's not, though; failing is a friend from which we always learn, but nobody else seems to understand that. They worship those who have succeeded, and look down upon those who have failed. Not to mention that, as a child, I was far too underdeveloped compared to others my age, and they took me for being inhuman. So likely chances are that I'll screw up with something, and I want to feel sorry for it and apologize... but I'm never given a chance to do so.
But even if now that I have developed sufficiently to make the least amount of mistakes possible, now that I "can" create my own opportunities to apologize and still rebel for the right to express when I need... Strangely, nobody gives a damn.
It's hard being an artist. That's because, even though I write stories for myself -- for the sake of building my own creative playground -- I want to tell somebody these stories. I want to entertain someone. I want to sweep people off their feed with ideas they couldn't ever imagine. I want to make them feel the speed and energy of the stars while remaining in their comfy chairs, while I prance around on top of tables and chairs, talking poetically about things "that could have been, and still are where we never notice". Some people enjoy these stories, and others... don't actually give a damn because I'm a nobody and they don't have the time.
And if I haven't succeeded in sweeping them off their feet, then it only means that I'm just not good enough as an artist. I need to work harder to hone my craft.
Not to mention that I'm a nerd. Nobody finds us nerds "cool". In fact, not even fellow nerds would appreciate me, because of my eccentricities.
Sometimes when I write a story that I really WANT to write, I question: does it really even matter? Nobody's interested in them anyway.
But that was the same thing Neil Gaiman thought when he was writing Sandman, and it wasn't until the book was published that he gained people to appreciate his art, giving him even more encouragement.
Art is hard. Inherently difficult. It's like being born out of "nothing", springing out energetically from the void.
But I need to keep moving. After publishing I may either succeed or fail. But if I don't work towards it I will INEVITABLY fail.
I'll be going to a poetry slam tomorrow, to hopefully become a part of a bigger community of like-minded poets in our city. This should, hopefully, also popularize the art of
Spoken Word in our country. And I'd be proud to be one of those few who started it all.
If you don't know what that is.... are you REALLY living in America, that you don't know what's going on in your backyard? Blimey, Spoken Word is THE neo-American culture one can always get behind! What's wrong with you?!
[youtube]gu_PQBmk-6c[/youtube]
[youtube]S2Ks06Al8c0[/youtube]
[youtube]GAx845QaOck[/youtube]
[youtube]NW4VvIhhCIM[/youtube]
