What Chrono Trigger Fanboys Really Wanted in a Sequel

[ZeaLitY]

The Chrono Crisis forum is suckling the teat of 1UP over their latest Cross-bashing feature, and suddenly...inspiration hit me.

CHRONO TRIGGER 2: TIME FUCK

[Crono wakes up in his room as Leene's bell rings. OMG TOTALLY AWESOME RITE? THATS HOW IT HAPPENED IN CHRONO TITTY 1!!!]

CRONO: ...

[NERDGASM!! That's right HE'S A MUTE! WHOA NOSTALGIA FOR THE WIN]

[Enter MARLE, with boobs clearly out of her shirt. WHOA FANSERVICE! FUCK YEAH!]

MARLE: CRONO! I LOVE U!

[Holy BALLS! I wonder if they DID THE NASTY!]

[Enter LUCCA, with a gun. Yeah she used a gun in the original! FUCK YEAH BITCHASS!]

LUCCA: GUYS! I just used my Interdimensional Quasitronic Temporal Titripper™ to find out that LAVOS IS ALIVE!

[Whoa! Oh that Lucca, she's incorrigible with the science!]

MARLE: You used wat?

[That's right! Stupid Chrono Trigger fanboys can't handle too much plot or detail. They just want to cut stuff!! FUCK YEAH CRONO!!!]

[Enter LAVOS SPAWN to create a battle and cut off Lucca's tiresome speech.]

LAVOS SPAWN: I will kill u

[M. Night Shyamalan: It talks! WHAT A TWIST!!]

[Crono destroys the spawn.]

[Enter BELTHASAR.]

BELTHASAR: Guys! I just fixed the Epoch!

[A scene in which the original Chrono Trigger team cruises across time eating Doritos and making inside jokes about every NPC major and minor from the original game ensues, along with a visit to 1995 A.D.]

[1995 A.D. fields: several cute creatures romp around the Epoch.]

YUJI HORII: See guys? It's lighthearted! And watch this!

[YUJI HORII takes in a big breath and then effortlessly creates a temporal paradox. Enter Sakaguchi.]

HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI: It wouldn't be Chrono Trigger without giant, glaring plot holes, right? Hey, I heard you guys like 3D!

[The world is rendered in three dimensions, with no less than forty-five lens flares beamed directly into the eyeballs of the audience.]

HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI: What a REALISTIC PORTRAYAL!

[Enter LAVOS, erupting through the ground.]

LAVOS: I...am oblivion personified! Just like every supervillain at the end of Square games used to be in the 90s! I've also become a sort of demi-god philosopher who revels in suffering!

[OOH, LIKE KEFKA! NOSTALGIA POINTS +10]

[Enter MAGUS!]

MAGUS: I cut myself many times in the bathtub over you, Lavos. Now we will defeat you, with the aid of the Masamune, Rainbow Shell, Rainbow, Slasher, Bronze Bow, KarateGi, Sun Stone...

...Epoch, Zonker38, DoomScythe, Bullfrog, Sewer Access, Tomato. Oh wait, I meant Crono's Mom.

[OH GOD ITS ALL THE ITEMS FROM THE ORIGINAL GAMES! THE WRITERS MUST ADORE THEIR FANS!!]

[The party defeat Lavos. Enter Kazuhiko Aoi.]

AOI: HEY GUYS! Congrats! Here's some sake to celebrate! ERRR, I mean apple cider! Hehe, just like Toma, right kids?

[TOMA! FUCK YEAH CHRONO TRIGGER!]

[The End appears. Several fanboys threaten to sue Square Enix for not making it longer and canceling CT:R. The end.]

[V_Translanka]

Hmmm...a Chrono game w/access to the year CT was created...brilliant! That totally sounds like where Kato was headed anyways...although it also sounds very Till the End of Time, too...

Oh, and you forgot the part where it's in incredible lens flare-filled 3D.

[Prince Janus]

 Wait... Wait...       no, this is wrong...   


You forgot the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ALL.

rewind a few lines

AOI: HEY GUYS! Congrats! Here's some sake to celebrate! ERRR, I mean apple cider! Hehe, just like Toma, right kids?

[gate opens]

Schala: lol hi guyz


 OMFGWTFBBQTTYLMYBFFROSEA/S/L? IT'S SCHALA!!!!  SCHA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAAAA

 Magus: I'm Janus.

 Schala: OMFG LIEK WTF!!!  I'M SCHALA!!!  WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!  LET'S HUG EACH OTHER!!

 Magus: and cry over it!!!

 (Magus and Schala do just that, causing the background to explode into a shower of sparks for some reason, sorta like what they do in Power Rangers whenever the monster dies.)

 (Magus wins the race after all)

 (Magus learns the true meaning of Christmas)

 (Magus's heart grows three times larger that day)

 (The magic of love makes Magus's monster AIDS go away)

 (Alfador comes home)

 (the queen comes back, but is okay)

 (Zeal reassembles or something)

 (Everyone lives in a home and appears five nights a week in a new reality show, "Life with the Zeals". it sucks slightly less when Magus kills one of the Cameramen for filming Schala in the shower. He encourages filming the queen though, and later sells the videos.)

 THE END.


 

[cald]

I would play this game.

[BROJ]

Haven't been to the Crisis forums for a while, so I don't really know what's going on here... Anyone care to illuminate the situation.

[Vehek]

I don't know for sure, but there's this topic:
http://z14.invisionfree.com/ChronoCrisis/index.php?showtopic=4361
1up put Chrono Cross as #2 on its list of disappointing video game sequels. And a lot of people at Crisis seem to agree.

[Kebrel]

That top 5 list is 60% crap. Chrono Cross, Invisible war, and MGS2 were perfectly fine sequels.

[Prince Janus]

 That's what happens when you let humans compile the lists.

[LuccaFan]

Sorry Zeality, but that game would fail.  At the end of trigger, Leene's Bell was replaced with Nadia's Bell, remember?  Everyone would be like "OMG continuity ruined!  Me no buy this game!"

[ZeaLitY]

Hah. You got me...

[MeshGearFox]

I like how they get facts wrong in that article They say the Chrono Trigger cast is killed off shortly after the game begins. Lucca's implied to be dead sort of early on, but it's not shortly after the game begins, and you don't find out about Crono and Marle until near the end. And even then Frog and Ayla are still going to be dead from oldness at that point and it's not like Crono's never died before and I'm pretty sure he got better anyway.

Also, I always thought it was sort of implied that the outcome of CC was a timeline where Crono and co. WEREN'T dead.

[Romana]

I burst into laughter at "I will kill u". It's like epic RICK humour and "emojanus: hold me sis" all over again. I love this.

This is perfectly possible TF stuff, guys...

Wait, what the crap? I know CC got a shitload of complaints, but MGS2 as well? Lemme guess, the people who couldn't be fucking bothered to read or comprehend the fantastic revelation at the end.

The problem I see is that obsessive, whiny fans who demand new entries in a series be more like their predecessor - the developers set out to try something new, with a fresh batch of characters, a new location and a new storyline. That's a damn good thing to think up something completely new - Hasn't Kato said that much? It's exactly why I can't stand people who complain that CC isn't enough like CT: it's a new Chrono game, not Chrono Trigger 2, Kato said as much. Is it just fanboyism nature that causes them to refuse to see anything in the game/s in a positive light, or is it just plain laziness? That's the impression I'm getting from CC haters. "ofuk where's my corno I was so used to him oshit an entire game this'll take too long can i have my rainbow yet"

[x_XTacTX_x]

I love how whenever I say that Chrono Cross is a good game, somebody tries to be AN HERO and continuosly insult me, either without use of punctuation or eccessive use of the Shift/Caps Lock key.


I'm sure they would buy this game.

Edit: I cannot spell.

[Romana]

Sorry TacT, where was that? A reaction on Crisis forums or just in general?

I love how whenever I say that Chrono Cross is a good game, somebody tries to be AN HERO and continuosly insult me, either without use of punctuation or eccessive use of the Shift/Caps Lock key.


I'm sure they would buy this game.

i fukn wud/

[nightmare975]

FUCK 1UP! I'm canceling my subscription now!

Also: -1 respect for Chrono Crisis.

PS: I hate Chrono Cross, always have, never been a fan of it. It's thanks to this site that I'm not like those freaks.