Chrono Helix (script)

[alfadorredux]

The sexual tension is supposed to build slowly, so nothing more on that front for a little while--possibly not until Guldove.

As for the other, I think I wrote it the way I did with the idea that Karsh would interrupt Serge before he managed to really freak out, but perhaps you're right. Attempted re-write:

Serge:
   What the...?! It's...real?
   I'm...DEAD?!

[He falls to his knees]

   This...this is...I don't...
   What HAPPENED? I...I 
   couldn't...be someone else
   ...could I? But...I know 
   Arni, I RECOGNIZED the 
   people there. I KNOW I 
   lived there. Why didn't
   they...? And now this...

 [Karsh]
   So you must be Serge...
   The ghost of the boy
   who died 10 years ago.

[Karsh walks up with the Idiot Brigade in tow]

Serge:
   I... (Gotta stop freaking 
   out--this guy doesn't look
   too friendly. Deep breaths,
   right. I'm NOT buried under
   that stone, I'm alive, and
   I'm going to stay that way
   if I have anything to say 
   about it!)

[He gets to his feet.]

   I'm Serge, but I don't think
   I'm a ghost.

   (These people know who I am
   and were expecting to find me
   here? The more that happens,
   the less sense this all makes!)

[mav]

Very nice. I understand what you were doing before, but in my opinion it wouldn't take too long to freak out about being dead--Serge's rewritten reaction seems mighty appropriate. And I guess it's fine that you're not taking advantage of that sexual tension. I guess that's where Serge and I differ: if saw a girl that looked like Kid when I was seventeen, and she mentioned "shacking up" I'd be going ballistic with completely inappropriate thoughts.

Hah, I guess this says more about me than it does about Serge.

[Boo the Gentleman Caller]

Serge is still pretty much mute, seeing as how a lot of his dialogue is internal, hahaha...

[alfadorredux]

Heh. Well, I didn't think making him a chatterbox was appropriate.

Re: shacking up--It's the slang meaning of that phrase in North America
(which may not exist in El Nido) that's giving you those dirty thoughts,
I'd bet. ;P

The Serge/Leena dialog here is a bit rocky in spots, but I haven't yet
figured out how to fix it.


6. Heading North - In search of some answers...

Max recruits: Serge, Kid.
Recruitable: Leena (if Kid didn't join).

===========================================================
Cape Howl (Another)
===========================================================

[If they revisit the gravestone together (I think)]

 
Kid:
   Is this yer grave, mate!?

Serge:
   That's what it says.
   Kind of freaks me out.

   Am I really the ghost
   of someone who died
   10 years ago?

Kid:
   What!? You died
   10 years ago?

Serge:
   That's what people keep
   telling me, and I'm still
   not sure I'm not the one
   who's crazy.

Kid:
   Whatever, mate.
   Look at you. You're
   as fit as a fiddle!
   
Kid:
   So what exactly happened
   to ya 10 years ago?
   You don't remember?

   ~~~No, I don't                   |    ~~~Yes, I do
                                    | 
Kid:                                | Kid:
   Yeah, I didn't think so.         |    You remember!?
   You were just a li'l squirt      |    You do!?
   10 years ago.                    |    But you were just a li'l
   Of course you don't remember.    |    squirt 10 years ago.
   Oh, well...                      |    How can ya remember
   No worries, mate.                |    that far back?
   It's perfectly normal.           |
                                    | Serge:
Kid:                                |    Well, it was kind of a 
   Cheer up, eh?                    |    memorable day.
   We'll find out what's            |    I almost drowned, and
   goin' on soon enough.            |    a couple of days later,
                                    |    my father disappeared.
Kid:                                |    
   No worries, mate.                | Kid:
                                    |    ...Yeah, that musta been
                                    |    some day, from the sound
                                    |    of it.

Serge:
   Um, Kid?

Kid:
   Yeah?

Serge:
   I wasn't going to tell you this,
   but if we're going to be 
   travelling together, you 
   probably should know. You see,
   for the past few weeks, I've 
   been having this recurring dream
   about this fortress. You and I
   and some other person are trying
   to get through it to somewhere.
   And the dream always, always
   ends with me stabbing you.
 
Kid:
   What...?
   That's kind of freaky, but...
   A fortress, you say?

Serge:
   It doesn't make much sense to
   me, either, but it kind of 
   worries me.
  
Kid:
   Git off it!
   Don't make me laugh!
   She'll be right, mate.
   I don't go down that
   easy, ya know?

================================================
Serge's House, Arni (Another)
================================================
[If Kid wasn't recruited]

[Leena opens the window blinds in Serge's room]

Leena:
   Rise and shine!
   A new day awaits!

Serge:
   Ugh...

Leena:
   I'm glad I found
   you here, though.
   Serge, right...?
   Kinda feels odd
   calling you that...

Leena:
   You know...
   I've been thinking...
   Maybe you had some kind of
   accident and hit your head.
   That's why your memory's
   all messed up.
   You're really someone else,
   but you think you're the
   Serge who died 10 years ago.

Serge:
   (That would explain everything
   except why I remember Arni, but
   no one here recognizes me. And
   then there's Karsh and his 
   friends...but maybe whoever 
   told them where to find me knew 
   that I'd think I was Serge?
   Aack, I think my brain's going
   to explode!)

Leena:
   I want to help you.
   I can't just leave
   you alone like this.
   And...
   You don't seem like
   such a bad person, either...
   You're planning to go
   to Termina, right?

Serge:
   Well, yeah--I'm kind of
   hoping that someone there
   can tell me what's going on.
   (And I'm hoping that, if I
   understand what happened, I
   can fix it and bring Mom
   back.)

Leena:
   Then let me join you.
   I have some errands
   to run over there, anyway.

Leena:
   And to tell you
   the truth...
   It feels like I've
   always known you...
   Sounds strange,
   doesn't it?

Serge:
   ...No, it doesn't sound
   strange at all.

 [System]
   Leena joined your party!

Leena:
   Well, that's that!
   Shall we get going?
   
Leena:
   OK!
   Let's head to
   Termina!

----------------------------------
[If Kid was recruited]
   
Kid:
   Oi!
   Let's get our arses
   down to Termina!

 Serge:
   (Termina...I really
   hope someone there knows
   what's going on. It's pretty
   obvious no one in Arni does! 
   I just hope that, once I 
   figure everything out, I can 
   put it back the way it was.
   I don't want Mom to be
   dead!)

Kid:
   Oh yeah, mate...
   I nearly forgot...
   Let me give ya this.
   It's a Tele-Porter.
   You'll be able to switch
   yer party members from afar.
   A real handy gadget.
   All you have to do is...
   Ahh, it's a pain in the
   arse to explain...
   Look it up in the Menu.

Serge:
   Thanks.

 [System]
   Serge received
   Tele-Porter!

===============================================
Leena's House, Arni (Another)
===============================================
[If Leena was recruited, and not Kid.}

[Leena's Grandma]
   Why, Leena.
   Do you know this boy?
   I haven't seen him
   around before...
   You already have him
   under your thumb?

Serge:
   Er... (She's still the
   same busybody as ever.)

Leena:
   No, grandma!
   It's not like
   that at all!

======================================================
Fossil Valley (Another)
======================================================
[I've left Skelly's intro in because I may want to
do something with him later on. Or not. We'll see.]


[Skelly]
   ~!!!~
 
[Skelly]
   Nyak-nyak-nyak!
   Looks like I'm causin'
   quite a stir.
   I've been waitin'
   forever for someone
   like you!

Serge:
   Like me? (Oh, man, what now?
   I've had enough of this crazy
   stuff.)

[Skelly]
   Yeah, I know.
   You and I are
   both dead, eh?
   I don't know how I
   ended up like this...
   I don't have a body and
   I don't remember a thing!
   You understand what I'm
   goin' thru, don't ya?

Serge:
   Well, some of it, anyway.
   (I guess I could have ended
   up worse off after all...)

[Skelly]
   But I have a feelin'
   everything will come
   back to me once I
   find my body parts.
   So, how 'bout it?
   Will ya help me find my body?
   ~~~Sure                          |   ~~~Not my thing...
                                    |
   Nyak-nyak-nyak!!!                |   Fine...
   Yeah!?                           |   I guess you don't
   I'm heavier than I look,         |   wanna carry around
   but I hope ya don't mind!        |   a talkin' skull, eh?
   And don't swing me               |   Well, have it your way.
   around too much.                 |   Sorry, I frightened ya.
   I start feelin' nauseous.        |   It's about time I left
                                    |   these parts, anyway.
   [Member] received                |   See ya...
   Heavy Skull!                     |

[Back down near the exit from the valley...]

Peppor:
   Shake it!
   W-We can't just shake it on
   back to the manor like this...
   We failed in our mission!
   
Solt:
   That was awfully awful,
   back there, Peppor.
   I want a rematch!

Peppor:
   B-By the way...
   Do you remember
   what kinda outfit
   he was shakin'?

Solt:
   Hmmm...

Solt:
   Just something justly
   like that, Peppor!

Peppor:
   O-Oh, you remember.
   So he looked like that, huh?

Solt:
   Actually, it is him, Peppor!

Peppor:
   S-So you're sure about that?

Serge:
   Oh, it's you two. (These guys
   are hopeless.)

Solt:
   Wonderfully
   wonderful timing, Peppor!

Peppor:
   L-Let's shake it!
   W-We're really gonna
   shake it to you
   this time!!!
   
Solt:
   Come at us with all
   your mightily might!
   
Peppor:
   W-We're really gonna
   shake it to you
   this time!!!

Serge:
   (They couldn't do it WITH that
   guy Karsh's help, so how do they
   think they're going to manage
   alone?)

[Combat.  Again, I'm skipping the idiots' tutorial.]
 
Solt:
   Retreat!!!

Peppor:
   L-Let's shake it on
   outta here!

[mav]

Overall, that was pretty good. Only one part seemed a bit off (I bolded the parts in question):

Kid:
   What...?
   That's kind of freaky, but...
   A fortress, you say?

The wording doesn't sound like Kid...to me at least...Maybe you should alter what was in the original script?

Kid:
   Git off it!
   Don't make me laugh!
   She'll be right, mate.
   I don't go down that
   easy, ya know?

This seems like a non sequitur. Who's "she"? It's in the original script too, I just have no idea what Kid means by this statement--if you could shed some light, that'd help.

[alfadorredux]

Overall, that was pretty good. Only one part seemed a bit off (I bolded the parts in question):

Kid:
   What...?
   That's kind of freaky, but...
   A fortress, you say?

The wording doesn't sound like Kid...to me at least...Maybe you should alter what was in the original script?

I never was happy with that line... Hmmm.

Kid:
    What...?
    You dreamed of stabbin' me?
    You sure your head's stuck on
    straight, mate?

Kid:
   Git off it!
   Don't make me laugh!
   She'll be right, mate.
   I don't go down that
   easy, ya know?

This seems like a non sequitur. Who's "she"? It's in the original script too, I just have no idea what Kid means by this statement--if you could shed some light, that'd help.

I stumbled across the answer to that one just this morning--it's Aussie slang.  We would say, "Everything's gonna be all right," or something along those lines.

[GenesisOne]

alfadorredux, I really liked your dialogue and giving each character a voice and the conflicts you put them through.  I liked Serge's realization of finding his own grave site from year back.  I especially liked your idea for those pun names, Solt and Peppor.

It felt kind of hard to separate the voices of Serge and Leena, though.  Try making their voices sound more unique.  In fact, do to Leena'd and Serge's voices what you did with Dragoon's and Karsh's.  That would be a vast improvement.

Also, you  have the tendency of putting subtext into your dialogue (subtext is unspoken text; it's what they mean, but don't say).

Your most prominent examples (in bold) include :

2. Arni Village - Where the tides start to turn...

Leena:
   You're late, Serge.
   Sleeping in as usual,
   I suppose?

Leena:
  EXCUSE ME!?
 What did you just say?
Hm? Serge!?
Think about it!
It's your fault for
sleeping in, you know!
Seeing as how you let
me down, I'd say you
owe me a couple hundred
of those scales!
Now go! Go to Lizard      
Rock and get some
 scales for me!
I'll let you off easy this
time with only 3 scales.
I'm counting on you, Serge.
Good luck, OK?

Leena:
   Oh, they're beautiful!
  I'll be able to make a
   great necklace with these.

See what I'm getting at?  Cut the fat where it really counts, but don't overdo it.

Finally, there are instances of "on-the-nose" dialogue. I.E. it's implying that the characters don't know what they're talking about until they're told from the character.

Examples (in bold):

2. Arni Village - Where the tides start to turn...

Marge:
   Good morning,
   Serge.
   You're finally up.
   The sun's already
   reached high noon.   

Marge:
   Leena came by to see if
   you were up, but you,
   young man, were still
   off in never-never land.

You are a great writer, and I'm not trying to shoot you down or anything like that.  Taking this criticism and making it work for you will greatly improve your writing.  I guarantee it.

[Acacia Sgt]

More exactly the dialogue was left unchanged, actually. It is that way in the game.

[anonymouse]

Yeah, all italicized dialogue is from the original game.

Anyway, I've always found it a little weird that Serge would tell some strange girl right off the bat that he dreamed of stabbing her...wouldn't this scene be more appropriate if left to the final level of Fort Dragonia? It's even odder that Serge shows no reaction in the game when he starts to relive his dream...

[alfadorredux]

I admit to not having been too careful about correcting the smaller infelicities in dialog from the original game--doing so wasn't my major purpose in writing this, so if a given line makes sense and doesn't get in the way of what I'm trying to do, I've mostly been leaving it alone. I can't take credit for Solt and Peppor, either.

About Serge telling Kid about the dream: I'm going to leave that there for now. I may reassess when I get as far as Fort Dragonia. Certainly, Serge is going to freak out when he realizes that his dream is coming to life. (One of the thing that irks me about CC is that Serge often doesn't even react non-verbally in places where it would be appropriate--there are times when just having him move his head as though he's looking around a room, or take a step back from something, or fall to his knees, would do vast amounts for making him look less like some kind of wooden doll, but they just didn't bother.)

[mav]

Kid:
    What...?
    You dreamed of stabbin' me?
    You sure your head's stuck on
    straight, mate?

Fantastic. Though I do agree with anonymouse, about it being awkward to mention already, I can see why you did that. Alternatively he could hint about the dream, without mentioning the stabbing and then he can finally mention it at Fort Dragonia. Although it's worth note that in the original script Kid mentions the dream here ("What...? Ya had a strange dream? You say ya might end up hurtin' me!?"), so obviously Serge did bring it up...

Oh and good find with the Aussie slang.

[alfadorredux]

The slang thing was a bit of a lucky find, actually--I tripped over it while trying to help a friend with her Chrono fanfic.

Anyway, this is the last chapter of the script that I have finished, but because of its length and construction, I'm splitting it into three parts. This is the section common to all the paths into Viper Manor (and even though I've ruthlessly cut chunks of interaction with people who are now NPCs, it's more than twice the length of  any of the previous chapters). I'll be posting Guile's path to Viper Manor tomorrow and Nikki's the day after...and after that, you may have to bear with me for a bit.


7. The Port Town of Termina - The pride of the Acacia Dragoons...
   
   Max recruits:[/B] Serge, Kid or Leena.
   Recruitable:[/B] Kid (if she didn't join earlier), Guile or Nikki. (I'm ditching
        Pierre's branch for the present, although I may attempt to tackle it sometime in
        the future. In any case, he has the least story-potential of the three guides,
        since Guile is linked with Magus.)

I've toned Korcha's dialect down, in an attempt to make him sound
uneducated but not idiotic.

====================================================
Termina (Another)
====================================================

[This happens right as Serge arrives in Termina, at the
flower stall to the left of the gate.]


 [Woman]
   Sorry, I'm totally
   out of bellflowers.
   There's a big ruckus
   down in Fossil Valley.
   Men from the dragoons
   were setting road
   blocks in the valley.
   I'll get some in a
   few days, so come
   back again then.

Young man:
   ......
   You have my sincerest apologies.
   I understand we are here
   to protect you as Acacia
   Dragoons...
   Those knights should be done
   with their work shortly.

 [Woman]
   Oh, that's alright.
   I can get my flowers
   from other places, too.
   Never mind that,
   I haven't seen Karsh
   around here lately.
   How is he doing?

Young man:
   Well...
   He said he was going ghost-has
   hunting down south.
   I'm just a private, so I do
   not know for certain, but I
   heard a rumor that Lord
   Viper ordered him to go.

 [Woman]
   A ghost!?
   Now that is something...
   I just hope it's not a
   sign of a coming disaster.
   If you ever see him,
   give him my regards.

Young man:
   I will do that.
   And I will be back, too.

[Glenn--the "Young Man"--walks away.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[If Kid is in the party]

Kid:
   Oi, did ya hear that?
   Karsh is that bastard
   we saw at the cape!?
   And that ghost he's
   huntin'...
   Ain't that you, mate?

Serge:
   I guess it must be.

Kid:
   That means the Dragoons
   must know something. Let's
   poke around and see if we can 
   find out what it is!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[If Kid has not been recruited, this scene happens a
little later on (with an additional variation if Serge
and Leena have already been to the inn?)

Kid:
   Gawd, you're slow!?
   Ya made me wait forever.
   Makin' a lovely lady like......!?

Serge:
   Um...sorry.

Kid:
   Ahaa......
   So that's it.

Kid:
   I get it!
   This sheila over here
   is yer sweetie, eh?
   I'm right, ain't I?

Serge:
   No, no, it isn't like that 
   at all! (Is she...actually
   jealous?)

Leena:
   I'm just helping him out.

Kid:
   No need to be shy!
   I'm not so bold as to break
   up lovers' tender moments.

Serge:
   I told you, we're not... Ah,
   forget it. (Why don't girls
   ever listen to what you're
   telling them?!)

Kid:
   I'm understandin'...
   I'll wait until yer little
   date's over.

Kid:
   Boy, you amaze me.
   Oh well, I guess it ain't
   such a bad idea to walk
   around and clear up ya
   mind a bit.

Kid:
   But geez,
   to go straight to the
   inn with a young girl...
   You're pretty slick
   for such an innocent
   lookin' boy!

Leena:
   You know, comments like
   that say more about the
   person who's making them
   than the one she's making
   them to...

Kid:
   Well then,
   have a bloody good time...!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[I'm not sure to whom this next line belongs.  It sounds
like something the old statue-polisher would say,
but isn't tagged for him in the script I'm using
as a base.]

   Alright,
   all squeaky clean.
   It's got to be
   extra clean for the
   coming festivities.

 [Old Man]
   Master Viper...
   I'm here to polish your
   statue again!!!

   Have you folks come to
   see the Viper Festival?

Serge:
   Yeah, that's right. (It isn't
   like I can tell him I'm trying
   to figure out why the Dragoons
   think I'm a ghost...)

[Old Man]
   Termina is peaceful thanks
   to the watchful eye of our
   Master Viper.
   At times warm,
   at times strict,
   Master Viper watches over
   us always.

   With that said, of course
   the real Master Viper
   resides in his manor, along
   with his Acacia Dragoons.

Serge:
   (The manor, huh? Sounds like
   my answers might be there...)

[Old Man]
   If you'll allow me to brag
   a little bit, I was invited
   to the manor a while back.
   It is a magnificent place...
   If there is a heaven on earth
   that would be it...

Serge:
   (This guy's a loon...)

[Old Man]
   The manor is beautiful and its
   design incorporates the surrounding
   terrain to its advantage, making
   it an impenetrable fortress.
   On top of that, there are powerful
   soldiers standing guard in front of
   the main gates that can destroy
   any monster with just one blow!

   Well, an upright citizen
   like myself might be invited
   to the manor's garden party,
   but not so for you folks.
   The most you will get is a
   cold reception from the gate
   guards. Ho ho ho!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[If Kid is in the party, this will happen. For some reason, 
there are a couple of variations of her speech, differing 
only by a word or two. ::shrug::]

Kid:
   Alright, that's settled!
   We've gotta sneak into
   Viper Manor.
   You gotta find out what
   the Acacia Dragoons are
   up to, right?
   And why that Karsh
   bloke was tryin' to
   capture ya?
   I've got some business
   there as well, so I'll
   go along with ya.

Serge:
   ("Business"? If she really is
   a thief, I'm not sure I want to
   get mixed up in her "business",
   but if I'm going to be breaking
   into the place anyway...and the
   Dragoons HAVE been trying to 
   kill or capture me... Damnit,
   this is complicated!)

Kid:
   How 'bout it, Serge?

   ~~~OK, let's go!                 |    ~~~No, I won't go
                                    |
Kid:                                | Kid:
   It's the obvious                 |    What're ya afraid of?
   choice, right?                   |
                                    | Serge:
Serge:                              |    Not wanting to get 
   I guess so.                      |    filleted by the Acacia
   (Not really, but I don't see     |    Dragoons isn't good
   what else I can do. And if       |    enough for you?
   I don't go with her, I might     |
   never see Kid again...           | Kid:
   Why does it feel like that       |    Don't give me that rubbish.
   matters? I barely know her.)     |    You're a man, aren't ya?
                                    |    Don't ya wanna know what
                                    |    happened ten years ago,
                                    |    and what the hell's goin'
                                    |    on right now?
                                    |
                                    | Serge:
                                    |    Yeah, but... Breaking and
                                    |    entering isn't right. (Man,
                                    |    that sounds lame.)
                                    |
                                    | Kid:
                                    |    Yer only clues are that
                                    |    Acacia Dragoon mob and their
                                    |    leader, that Viper bloke.
                                    |    Any investigation into the 
                                    |    Dragoons has gotta start with
                                    |    checkin' out Viper's manor.
Kid:
   Accordin' to grandpa here,
   this Viper Manor's a mighty
   large place. Which also means
   it'll be easy to break into!
   There's gotta be more than
   one way in.

Serge:
   Um...right. (I like this even
   less now...but I still need to 
   understand what's going on, and 
   I don't think they'll let me  
   talk to General Viper if I just 
   walk up to the gate and ask...)

Kid: 
   If we don't plan this right,
   it'll cost us our lives.

Serge:
   (I really wish she hadn't
   said that...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[If Kid hasn't been recruited yet...]

[I think this variation is used if you haven't
recruited Kid yet, and then refuse to enter Viper Manor
with her. I've never tried that, so I'm just guessing at
the decision tree setup.]

Kid:
   What're you afraid of?
...[this is identical to her part of the refusal speech above]...
   checkin' out Viper's manor.
   Come on Serge,
   let's go.

   ~~~OK, let's do it               |    ~~~No, I refuse
                                    |
Kid:                                | Kid:
   Gawd, don't trouble me too       |    Ha, so that's how you're
   much, Serge.                     |    gonna be, eh?
   According to grandpa here,       |    You're gonna live the rest
...[etc, etc, as above, Kid joins]  |    of yer life in the shadows
                                    |    as a dead man's ghost.
                                    |    Is that right?
                                    |
                                    | Serge:
                                    |    I just don't think there's
                                    |    any need to--
                                    |
                                    | Kid:
                                    |    You'll regret it!!!
                                    |    I'm partin' ways with ya
                                    |    here.
                                    |    But, 'cause I pity ya,
                                    |    I'll give ya this just in case.
                                    |    It's a Tele-Porter.
                                    |    This is a really handy gadget
                                    |    that allows ya to exchange
                                    |    party members from afar.
                                    |    The way ya use it is...
                                    |    Ah, forget it.
                                    |    Check it out for yerself.
                                    |    I hate explainin' the details.
                                    |
                                    | [System]
                                    |    Serge received
                                    |    Tele-Porter!
                                    |
                                    | Kid:
                                    |    Don't ya ever show that
                                    |    face of yers again, ya mug!
                                    |    See ya!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[If you recruit Kid here]

Kid:
   Oh yeah, Serge.
   I'll leave this in yer
   hands, just in case.
   It's a Tele-Porter.
   This is a really handy gadget
   that allows ya to exchange
   party members from afar.
   The way ya use it is...
   Ah, forget it.
   Check it out for yerself.
   I hate explainin' the details.

Serge:
   Thanks. (I don't get it, but
   okay.)

   Serge received
   Tele-Porter!
   
 [System]
   Kid joined yer party!

Kid:
   Alright then,
   call me anytime!
   Bob's yer uncle, eh!

==============================================================
Street Right of Entrance, Termina (Another)
==============================================================
[this occurs on first entrance--no changes until the end
except small tweaks to Korcha's accent, which I haven't
marked]

 [Kids]
   Yahoo!!!
 
 [Strange Woman]
   Hello there! Come and
   see for yourself!
   This is the prize of all prizes,
   a rare catch, a live mermaid!
   This is what you call a
   real treasure.
   Remember that, kids.
   Unfortunately,
   this one isn't for sale.
   She's my most valuable item.
   
[She uncovers the tank]

   So, what do you think?
   This isn't some stuffed
   animal or anything.
   She's really alive.
   Her pure, clear skin, like it's
   made from crystal. Her gem-like
   eyes. She is the ultimate
   collector's item!
   Phew...
   Nature's creations are
   indeed great.
   Such a beautiful thing...
 
 [Boy]
   Is this thing really alive?
   Hey, come on!
   Look over this way!!!
   
 [Girl]
   Oh, how beautiful she is...

[Korcha pops up and throws a rock at the kids]

 [Kids]
   Yeow!!!

   Ouch!!!
   
Korcha:
   Hey, you!
   You think this is really
   fun?
   How would YOU feel if you
   were trapped in a tank
   like that, being stared
   at every day, huh?

 [Kids]
   Yikes, it's Korcha!!!
   Run!!!

[They run. The woman covers up the tank]

 [Strange Woman]
   Korcha, not you again!?
   Don't you go bothering
   my customers.
   This is no place for the
   likes of you!
   Just leave now!!!

Korcha:
   Shut up!
   What customers!?
   You're sellin' a
   bunch of bull!
   Why didn't ya
   keep the tank
   uncovered when
   I showed up?

Korcha:
   Heeey everybody!!!
   This shop is a bunch of
   boloney!!!

 [Strange Woman]
   Sh-Shut your mouth!
   Don't you say such
   ridiculous things!!!
   Get back to your demi-human
   friends!

Korcha:
   Heh, I won't take that from
   a sleaze-bag like you!

Korcha:
   Hey, you guys.
   You're not from around
   here, eh?
   Don't ya wander around
   too much, or you're gonna
   get burned.
   Just watch your back.

[Korcha jumps down off the walkway onto his boat, and
leaves.]

Serge:
   What's with that guy?

 [Strange Woman]
   That's Korcha!
   He's from Guldove.
   I wonder why he hangs
   around here in Termina
   all the time?
   You shouldn't mess
   with the likes of him!
   I tell you...he's
   nothing but trouble!

[If they talk to the fortune teller]

 [Fortune Teller]
   Well this is interesting.
   You're not dead or
   anything are you?

Serge:
   (Oh, great, not her too!)

[Fortune Teller]
   Has anybody called you back
   from the great beyond?
   You just might be the key
   to the destruction of this
   entire planet.
   I can't say for sure, but
   fate seems to have a great
   task for you. 
   Be careful now, boy!
   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[If Kid is in the party]

Kid:
   Hey, Serge,
   that's nothin' but rubbish.
   Let's hurry up and get movin'.

Serge:
   It had BETTER be garbage--I'm
   not sure I could handle more
   weirdness.

 [Fortune Teller]
   Hmm... You there!
   
   In your eyes, I perceive...
   both the look of a beauty 
   and the look of a beast.
   Be mindful not to bring
   about your own end, my
   dear.
   A dream lies in wait,
   reaching out to
   engulf you.
   
Kid:
   Sorry, mum.
   I don't believe in
   fortune-tellin' at all.
   I make way for me own
   future by meself.

Serge:
   (Somehow, I knew she'd say
   something like that.
   ...I wonder what she'd say
   if I told her she's cute
   when she's angry?)

 [Fortune Teller]
   Lassie, you should listen
   to your elder's advice.

Kid:
   Ha, I don't give a damn.
   Let's go Serge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

=========================================================
Shrine Area, Termina (Another)
=========================================================

Young lady:
   So, she was out of
   flowers...
   That is unfortunate.
   Then let us pray
   without any flowers
   for today.

------------------------------------------------
[If you happen to have collected the Bellflower
from Fossil Valley]

Young man:
   Hmm...?

[He walks over to Serge]

Young man:
   Is that a bellflower
   you have there?
   Would you be so kind as to
   give up that flower to us?
   We need a bellflower for
   our prayer.

 [System]
   ~~~Give it for free              |    ~~~Ask for money                |    ~~~Sorry
                                    |                                    |
Young man:                          | Young man:                         | Young man:
   For free?                        |    How much would you like for it? |    Is there no way you will
   Are you sure?                    |    ~~~[Amount]                     |    part with it? We would
                                    |                                    |    really like to have it...
Serge:                              | Young man:                         |
   Well, we don't need it for       |    That is quite high.             | Serge:
   anything. Actually, I'm not even |    But...I agree.                  |    Uh... (Don't think I
   sure why I picked it.            |    Here, please check the amount.  |    want anything to do
                                    |                                    |    with this guy...)
Young man:                          | Young man:                         |
   I thank you deeply.              |    You must be a very kind person  | Young lady:
                                    |    to part with this flower for    |    Stop.
   [Takes the flower]               |    so little.                      |    These people are also
                                    |    I will always remember your     |    in need of the flower.
                                    |    kindness.                       |    Dear sirs, please pardon
                                    |                                    |    us for the interruption.
                                    |    [Member] received               |    We are very sorry.
                                    |    [Amount] G from the young man!  |    Now, let us pray.
                                    |                                    |    Without the flowers,
                                    |                                    |    all we need is our hearts.

------------------------------------------------
[if you gave them the flower]

Young lady:
   Dario, here is a bellflower
   that you used to love so much.
   Soon, the flower's seeds shall
   sprout, grow leaves,  and
   bloom flowers everywhere.
   And we shall age another year,
   while you will remain the same,
   in memory...

[She puts the flower on the grave]


------------------------------------------------
[This section occurs with or without(?) the
bellflower]

Young man:
   Father...
   Brother......

Young lady:
   It is such a mystery:
   this sword never rusts,
   even when left in the rain...
   It seems as if the souls of
   its masters live within it.

Young lady:
   Do you not think so,
   Glenn?

Glenn:
   Yes...
   I have engraved in my memory
   the lives of my father and
   brother, who had wielded the
   sacred sword Einlanzer.

Young lady:
   Let us hope that is true...

Glenn:
   What do you mean by that?
   Miss Riddel, I cannot
   allow even you to...

Riddel:
   Do you not think there is
   something odd about the
   dragoons of late...?
   Daddy's face shows such
   anguish, and even Karsh
   was saying he was sent
   on a '"ghost-hunt"'...

 [Glenn]
   Miss Riddel...

Riddel:
   Everyone has been acting oddly,
   ever since that beastly
   guest arrived at the manor.

 [Glenn]
   ......

Riddel:
   Glenn, promise me
   to always keep the
   unclouded truth in sight.
   Do not be swayed by the
   masses.
   The splendor of the Einlanzer
   must not be tarnished...

 [Glenn]
   ...As you wish.

 [Riddel]
   Chuckle...
   
 [Glenn]
   ...?

Riddel:
   Oh, forgive me.
   I just found it a little
   awkward to hear you
   say such words...
   Chuckle...

Glenn:
   ......
   Miss Riddel,
   a chill wind has risen.
   Shall we return
   to the manor?

Riddel:
   Yes...
   Of course.

---------------------------------------
[If you gave them the Bellflower?? I've never remembered
to pick the darned thing, so I'm just guessing.]

Young lady:
   Please, let me offer you my
   gratitude as well.
   The souls that rest beneath this
   sword loved this flower in life.
   That is why we always bring
   some here when we pray here...

[Riddel and Glenn leave]


Serge:
   You're welcome. (I wish I could
   do that for my Dad's spirit...
   take something he loved to his
   grave...but no one knows what 
   happened to him. Heck, I don't 
   even know why Mom insists he's 
   dead. All anyone else will say
   is that he disappeared after 
   that day...)

----------------------------------------

Korcha:
   ...and that guy
   rushed and hid it as
   soon as I got there.
   It was a hilarious sight!

 [Demi-human]
   Hya hya hya,
   that's great!

Korcha:
   Oops, I've got customers.
   Sorry,
   I'll get ya some BIG
   fish next time you come by.

 [Demi-human]
   Alright, Korcha.
   But is it really gonna
   be big this time?
   You only ever catch small fry.
   Your boating skills are
   first class, but your fishing
   skills suck...

Korcha:
   Aw, shawdup!
   
 [Demi-human]
   See ya.

[The demi-human leaves]

Korcha:
   Oh it's you guys.
   You're tourists, right?
   The festival's a waste of time.
   My name's Korcha.
   I'm here from Guldove,
   workin' as a ferryman.
   I can take you anywhere
   you like with this boat.
   I take money, but don't
   worry, it's not that much.
   My boatin' skills are quite
   famous around here, I
   guarantee a comfortable ride.

[Depending on who's in the party, with the leftmost person being preferred if s/he's there...
 (if Guile is present, the reaction will be completely different--see his sub-script)]

Kid:                           | Leena:                      | Serge:
   We've got business to take  |    We're kind of busy right |    Sorry, but we've still got stuff
   care of, so there's no time |    now, but we'll keep you  |    to do in Termina. Maybe later?
   for a pleasure cruise.      |    in mind.                 |
   See ya!                     |                             |

Korcha:
   Alright.
   If you ever want to get
   somewhere by boat, swing by.

[Snip Van and Zippa/Zappa, since they aren't plot-
relevant (or, in this version of events, recruitable)]

================================================= 
Lisa's Shop, Termina (Another)
=================================================

[If Leena's in the party]

Lisa:
   Well, Leena!!!
   Long time no see!
   How are you?
   Since when did YOU have
   a boyfriend...
   It's not fair to keep
   me out of the loop!

Leena:
   It's...it's nothing like that.
   He's...he's my cousin!!!

   Isn't that right, Serge?

   ~~~Yes                           |    ~~~No
                                    |
Lisa:                               | Lisa:
   Hmmm, a cousin, eh?              |    Oh, so she's your
   Then, Serge,                     |    girlfriend?
   how about we leave               |    Hmmm...
   Leena here and you and           |    Well, if you still
   I go on a date?                  |    wanna go on a date,
                                    |    that's cool with me!
Serge:                              |
   Well, I'm kind of busy right     | Serge:
   now. Maybe some other time.      |    Um... (Damnit, Leena,
   (Damn, Leena STILL looks mad.)   |    say something!)

-----------------------
[If Kid is present]

Kid:
   Sorry, sheila, but Serge has
   better things to do than
   squire you around town!

Lisa:
   Oh, sorry--YOU'RE his
   girlfriend, then. I thought
   you were a boy.

Kid:
   A BOY?! You--

[Serge puts his arm between her and the 
counter. Just in case.]

------------------------

Leena:
   Oh Lisa, stop that nonsense!
   Oops, before I forget,
   this is for you.
   Mom told me to say hi.

Lisa:
   Wow, thank you!
   Thank your mom for me.
   So Miss,
   how can I help you today?
   Don't expect any special deals
   just because we're friends!
   
  [Lisa's Dad]
    Why, if it isn't Leena.
    What a pleasant surprise!
    The little girl I knew is all
    grown up now. And what's this?
    Have you come to show
    your boyfriend off?
 
 Leena:
   Oh, you're so silly!

[mav]

Wow...that was extensive. Honestly, I have no criticisms--Serge seemed in character, there were no grammatical hitches (to my knowledge), and everything made sense. I love the fact that Serge doesn't say much in this version, but prefers to keep things internal; it makes him very easy to relate to.

[alfadorredux]

Ugh...severe thunderstorms predicted here, and my head feels like someone's pounding
on it with a mallet, which means I'm not likely to get much work done on the Viper Manor
chapter tonight. I might even end up deliberately turning off my computer for the first
time in several years.


7a. Termina to Viper Manor: Guile's Path

Max recruits: Serge, Kid, Leena.
Recruitable: Guile.

 
====================================================
The Dragon's Tail, Termina (Another)
====================================================

Guile:
   My name is Guile.
   I am having a certain bet
   with the fortune-teller by
   the bridge.
   If I can bring the item of
   proof from the manor
   within a week, I shall win.
   If I cannot, I shall lose,
   but...

Guile:
   As there is a trick behind
   any mysterious magic...
   there is no such thing as an
   impregnable fortress in this
   world. A toast to my
   coming victory...!

Serge:
   Are you saying you know a
   way into Viper Manor?

Guile:
   That is correct...but if I
   may ask, what is your interest
   in the matter?

Serge:
   Well, I need to talk to 
   General Viper, and I don't
   think they're exactly going
   to let me through the front
   gates...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[If Kid's in the party]

Kid:
   And the general's got
   something I want.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   
Guile:
   Hmm, so you have business
   at the manor as well...
   Interesting!
   Gambling is a lot more
   interesting with higher
   stakes...
   What we need now is a
   seasoned sailor and
   a sturdy boat to cross
   the rough waters.
   If you can find one,
   leave the rest to me.
   I will guide you to
   Viper Manor.
   What will it be?
   ~~~Ask for his help              |    ~~~Wait a minute
                                    |   
 [System]                           | Guile:
   Guile enigmatically joined       |    I am but a free
   your party!                      |    wanderer...
                                    |    Call me if you
Guile:                              |    change your mind.
   Once you find a boat,            |
   leave the rest to me.            |
   I shall guide you.               |
   I believe the fortune-teller     |
   said the target for the bet      |
   is located in the manor's        |
   mess hall...                     |

[From this point on, I'm going to assume that Guile was chosen to
join.]

Serge:
   (Why does it seem like every
   new person I meet lately who
   isn't trying to chop me in
   two is a thief?)

Guile: 
   There is no such thing as an
   impregnable fortress in this
   world. 
   It is destined to be so... 

Guile:                              
   What we need now is a
   seasoned sailor and
   a sturdy boat.
   If you can find one,
   leave the rest to me.
   I will guide you to
   Viper Manor.

[If the Korcha scene has already happened]

Kid:                            | Leena:                    | Serge:
   Say, didn't that guy Korcha  |    Didn't that guy we saw |   (I think the guy who complained
   have a boat?                 |    earlier have a boat?   |    about the mermaid had a boat.)

====================================================
Termina (Another)
====================================================
 
[If the Korcha scene takes place with Guile present, at the
end of it, he will say (if you can call it that):]

Guile:
   Hmmm...

[If the fortune teller is approached with Guile in the party]

 [Fortune Teller]
   Grin...
   Sir Guile, how was it?
   Did you find the item?

Guile:
   Ma'am, do not rush me so.
   The deadline is not yet upon us.
   I will be going now.

 [Fortune Teller]
   Ho ho ho, words!
   My victory is only a
   matter of time!
   The item in question is in
   the dining room of the manor.
   Although, you'll never reach it!

====================================================
Tombs, Termina (Another)
====================================================


Kid:                              | Serge:
   Hey, you.                      |    Can you take us to
   We want to get to Viper Manor. |    Viper Manor?
   Can ya take us there?          |

Korcha:
   Viper Manor?
   What're ya gonna do up in
   that place?
   Ya gonna go steal treasure
   from the vaults or somethin'?

Kid:                              | Serge:
   Don't go snooping into         |    Uh...
   yer customers' privacy.        |    (Why's he so nosy?)
   Are ya gonna take us there     |
   or what?                       |

Korcha:
   As long as you can pay me,
   I'll take you anywhere you
   want.
   It's just that I don't know
   how to get to the manor.
   If you want to get there,
   bring someone who does.
   
Guile:
   I shall guide you there.

Korcha:
   Are ya sure you can get
   into a place like that?

Guile:
   Yes, trust me.
   All you need to do
   is prepare the boat.
   
Korcha:
   You got it.
   But, it'll cost ya!
   It's gonna be 100G.
   ~~~Pay it                      |   ~~~Don't pay
                                  |
 [System]                         | Korcha:
   [Member] paid                  |    !?
   Korcha 100G!                   |    What, don't ya
                                  |    wanna go?
Korcha:                           |
   Come on, get on board.         | Serge:
   It's a little tight            |    Later. We need to do a
   with four of us, but it'll     |    bit more shopping.
   be a short trip.               |
   Don't ya worry about a thing.  |
                                  |
   [They board the boat]          |


====================================================
 [Viper Manor Bluffs (Another)]
====================================================

[As they disembark]


Korcha:
   Don't ya think it's
   pretty dangerous!?

Guile:
   Indeed...

Serge:
   (You could have mentioned
   that before...)

Guile:
   We'll make it...

Kid:                      | Leena:                   | Serge:
   You sound confident... |    Shouldn't we get this |    (Guess he likes rock 
                          |    over with?            |    climbing...)
Kid:                      |                          |
   Alright, let's get     | Leena:                   | Guile:
   our arses in gear.     |    You'd better not look |    Shall we go? It would be
                          |    up my skirt, Serge!   |    best if we were to reach
                          |                          |    the top before dark.
 
[They begin the climb. At the top of the cliff...]

 [Acacia Dragoon]
   HUH!?
   INTRUDERS!!!

   Begin stone toss!!!
   
   Rrrarghhh!!!

   Arghhhhhh!!!
 
[It starts raining rocks. When everyone makes it to the
top despite the rocks...]
 
 [Acacia Dragoon]
   AHHH!
   They made it up!?

   HA-HA-HAHA-HA...
   Let this be the end of you!
   Hiiiiya!

[Combat is engaged. When the party wins...]

   Hah!
   Persistent, aren't ya!

   HA-HA-HAHA-HA...
   It's no use!
   Hiiiiya!
   
   Say good-bye!

   Darn...

   Have some of this!

   Ooops!
   Darn it!

   Huh?

[He's thrown off the cliff by an avian monster.]

   AHHHHHH...!

[They fight the birdy. After they win...]

Kid:               | Leena:                  | Serge:
   Oi, Serge.      |    Looks like we made   |   Looks like we're at the
   We're inside    |    it...                |   top. (Which makes me officially
   the premises.   |                         |   a criminal now, I guess. Damn!)
                   | Leena:                  |
Kid:               |    There sure are a lot | Guile:
   Let's wait here |    of guards around...  |   Indeed. We should wait until 
   'til nightfall. |    Maybe we should wait |   dark--it will be easier to slip
                   |    until it gets dark?  |   past the guards then.

[mav]

Very nice, the only line I had a problem with was this:

Kid:
   And the general's got
   something I want.

Should Kid be mentioning this to someone she's just met? Even though Guile asked, but I think Kid should be even more ambiguous...