I have run this by a few people but ugh...I really need to write it out and ask for advice, if anything.
The professor did it again yesterday during class. He was divying up roles to people at random to read the first part of the play. There is this one scene where one of the main female characters--Abigail--throws herself at the main character, with whom she has slept with in the past and who is married. The professor was asking other girls to read the part of Abigail (at random) but when he came to that part he told me to do it, and said the following::
"Now Sajainta, you need to be really seductive and sexy and lustful, just let that lust drip out of your voice. You really want him."
He went on, and I couldn't take it and spoke up and said I didn't want to do that part.
I was so upset. I just stared down at my desk and tried to keep from shaking. I couldn't understand it. I don't understand it.
This is the second time in a row he has been inappropriate, and it is creeping me out. And he KNOWS I was trafficked. He KNOWS I was fucking TRAFFICKED. That I was forced to act seductive and sexy and lustful.
Why me?? Out of all the girls in the class, why me?? One time was bad enough, but twice?! I've talked to a lot of friends about this, and the vast majority of them are more than a little unnerved and think it is deliberate.
One theory a friend gave me today is that the professor might think this is "helping" me or some shit. Helping me get over it. Like "Oh, it's okay to talk about it." The same friend also thinks it might be because I'm "that girl." That he wanted me to read that part because he thought I would be good at it because hey, she's done it in the past. She can play the part effectively. He doesn't think it's malicious, but he definitely doesn't think it's by chance.
Another friend thinks it is malicious, and it might be a generation gap / chauvinism issue. He's an older professor (60s +) and he strikes me as being a conservative, tight-laced person. Maybe he doesn't understand that it was forced prostitution and rape and he sees me as some kind of "loose woman", or just as an outright whore, and feels the need to humiliate me in front of the class.
I just... I don't fucking know. I don't know what to do. I've gotten advice from "Just deal with it." to "This is blatant sexual harassment and you should get out of the class right away and go to the highest up person there is about this."
I won't go very far into my worst fear of it all, but it's the one I think is probably the truth (although I will acknowledge my intense paranoia and my struggle with borderline misandry). Maybe he is simply a lecherous old man. I told a few friends about this last night. I started to tell a friend today (the first friend mentioned with the "that girl" theory) about it, and he told me to stop because he knew it would upset me. I was thankful for that. It upsets me and terrifies me more than I can imagine. It makes me want to vomit.
This is getting out of control. I can't even function, I feel so sick. Just hearing his voice in my head--"You need to be really seductive and sexy and lustful, just let that lust drip out of your voice." (and he said it in such a salacious, suggestive way) makes me want to throw up. It reminds me of "them", prepping me for a client. It reminds me of "him."
