My Story

[IAmSerge]

The beginning of the RPG.

I am sort of... Novelizing my ideas for it... that is, after I partially started an outline and wrote out most of my thoughts for it.

Tell me what you think, please?

I'm sure that no one here would plagerize (sp?), nor really would anyone even want to.  Its just an intro, anyways.

“In the beginning, the five great deities looked down at the vast expanse below their heavenly perch.  As their view was filled with emptiness, so were their hearts.  They saw the need to fill it with life, and so they did.  First, the god Terra, with his powers of earth, created the world, which was desolate. Then, Furos, the god of flame, created the sun which provided warmth to the barren planet.  That was when the goddess Celine reached down and spread her healing waters across the earth.  Afterwards, the goddess Eira granted the world with the sky and the air that supports our life.

When the four gods and goddesses had finished their work, the great goddess Luna stepped down and spread life to all corners of the world.  Finally, the four elemental deities combined their abilities and designed the Humans, to take care of their creation.  Luna breathed life into these beings, and placed them upon the world.”

The priest spoke from standing above the altar.   “This is the story of creation, as told to us by their chosen messenger, not but a few hundred years ago.  I understand that most of us already know this, however it is ceremonial for each of the temples to teach this around this time each year.”

Rayu, the 19 year old boy sitting in the back, sighed, wondering why he had to attend.  He had heard this same speech many times before.  The priests would always change it, but it had the same basic message every time.  However, his mother had forced him to come, like always, as she enjoyed the festivities involved with it.  Rayu never had a problem with the temple, the gods or anything related to it.  In fact, he avidly strived to visit the Wind Temple whenever he could.  He was amazed by the artwork and wonderful atmosphere it provided.

“With the presentation of this knowledge, the heavenly courier also brought with him a gift:  The Epsilon Sword.  A sword comprised of the very essences of the five gods.  It was a blessed sword, which no evil can overcome.  This sword can slice back and drive away any darkness.  It was said that there will come a day which a chosen person will draw and wield the sword, using it to defeat the greatest darkness the world has ever known, even more dark than the dark ages through which our race struggled and survived just 500 years ago.”  The look on the priest’s face turned a little more serious and grim as he spoke his next sentence, “Perhaps the chosen one will turn up soon, for the dark monsters we have started recently facing have gotten stronger and increased in number.  I am sure that if nothing is done, they will grow so strong as to overpower us.”

This part of the speech Rayu had never heard before.  Frankly, because the dark monsters, or the darkened ones as they were called, of which he spoke started arriving and attacking just months ago.  No one knows where they came from, and no one knows exactly what can be done about them.  No one except the King, however.  King Zaer recently sent a message to all the villages exclaiming that he had a plan to stop these demons once and for all.  He had yet to tell anyone what exactly the plan was, however everyone trusted in his good judgment that he would be able to solve the problem.

“But the great Eira, goddess of the wind, shall evermore protect us.  I am sure that the five great gods would not abandon their children in their time of need.  They brought us out of the dark ages, and they shall bring us safely through these!”  At this, the priest stepped down, and took his seat in one of the pews next to some of the worshipers in the temple.  This marked the end of his speech, and Rayu was excited to finally be able to stand again.

He walked out of the temple, and walked around the rest of the village.  Normally, the people would be hard at work.  However, with the recent events and struggles, most of the villagers have taken today off as a day of rest, a much needed one.  Rayu knew one person that wouldn’t be resting at a time like this: Paul, the blacksmith.  Paul is the main blacksmith in the village, and a good one at that.  Since Rayu’s father died when he was young, Paul took up the responsibility of becoming the father figure in Rayu’s life.  However, not only was he his father, he was also one of Rayu’s greatest mentors.

As he thought, by the time Rayu walked all the way over to his house, Paul was already working on his next project.  “Must they always force me to listen to that lecture every year?  I mean, it seems as if they haven’t even changed it since they first came up with it.”

Paul stopped slinging his hammer onto the red hot weapon he was forging.  Looking up at Rayu, he said “Maybe it’s because they got it right the first time?  Why fix what isn’t broken?”  The workshop he worked in was moderately small, the size of a single room.  It was open to the outdoors on three sides, held up by wood posts.  The fourth side was a wall connected to his actual house.

Rayu scoffed, “That’s the thing.  They did get it right the first time.  But shouldn’t everyone already know the story by now?”
Paul put his hammer aside, and said to Rayu, “Maybe.  But do you really think that is the point?”

At first, Rayu had seen this as rhetorical, but then the look on Paul’s face said that he really wanted to know.  “Well, maybe not, I guess,” he replied, shrugging his shoulders.

The tan blacksmith walked over to the 19 year old, and said, “Rayu, the high priest doesn’t repeat the same sermon at this time of year just to annoy the rest of the village, nor does he do it because he is too lazy.  Our village is innately built to serve the goddess of the wind, Eira, right?  Well, just because she is the overall focus of this town does not mean that we turn a blind eye to the rest of the gods.  For example,” he stepped over to his furnace, which was used to heat his projects.  “Every time I use this furnace, I give thanks to Furos, for blessing me with this flame.  I can set up everything to the right conditions to make a fire, and I can strike the flint to start the fire.  However, it is not by my abilities that this fire burns, or that it heats the metals.  It is only by Furos’ blessing that I can even do my job.  So, I am thankful to him for it.  In return, I not only get a good furnace, but my metals are always almost perfectly refined, and almost every project I work on gets completed quickly and properly.”

Rayu leaned against a post and gave him a strange look.  “So what do your swords have to do with their sermons?”

Paul wiped the sweat from his forehead.  “By doing what I do, and being thankful, and praising the gods, I get blessed by Furos.  The creation sermon is a good sermon, and it’s one of the few ways that they can praise all five gods and goddesses at once.  As a result, the entire village usually shares in some sort of blessing.  The gods and goddesses aren’t deaf and blind, and they have emotions and aspirations as well as us.”

Rayu smiled at this.  “I think I understand what you’re saying.”

Paul smiled back, turned back to his work, and said, “Well, even if you didn’t, I wouldn’t have the chance to explain any more.  Here comes your mother.”
The teenager rolled his eyes, and turned around.  Like Paul said, here came his mother.  Rayu sighed, walking away from the blacksmith’s workshop to meet her.  He asked her, “Oh, mom, what is it this time?  I already cleaned the house last night and this morning.”  He didn’t exactly want to know the answer, but he knew that she wanted him for something.  Usually something he didn’t want to do.

“It’s not like I intend to ruin your social life, but,” she grabbed his shoulder lightly, pointing his view to the front of the temple.  “The elder and the high priest wish to speak with you.  It’s usually something important when both of them want you at once.”  She gave him a little shove, “Besides, you’re never going to get a girl with that attitude.”

He didn’t feel like he was ever going to get a girl, period.  The closest girl to his age, in the village of the wind, is already married, and the next closest is 9 years old.  He didn’t want to think about that.

[Truthordeal]

It took me a second, but I finally realized that this was your own original work. Unless its in the Chrono Universe but outside of the canonity of CT and CC.

Wait, are you trying to create, or at least write the script for, your own RPG?

Anyway, the prose itself is great. There wasn't any conventions error that glared at me and broke the flow. You're wording and description is nice. Of course this is only the beginning/first chapter/whatever, so I can't really say too much about it other than what I see of this part isolated from the rest.

Only real gripe I have, albeit a small one, is formatting. The transition between scenes can be easily shown and understood through a tilde, dash or something in the line break between the two paragraphs.

For instance:

....temples to teach this around this time each year.

~Name of Story~

Rayu, the 19 year old boy sitting in the back, sighed, wondering why he had to attend.

Its a pretty common formatting type I've seen, but do as you wish with it, as it is your story. The main reason for it is to break down on clutter. That wasn't too bad with this chapter, but as you go on, and start making longer chapters and having multiple scenes in one chapter, it'll help the reader with transitioning from one to the other.

[x_XTacTX_x]

It was well written, but honestly I get the feeling it's really generic kind of a cookie cutter plot in terms of RPGs, and that's no good.Keep at it, but don't be afraid to get creative with your characters, settings, etc.

[kid123]

Yeah, it kinda has Ocarina of Time-esque atmosphere within the storyline. Not to mention this kind of story are regarded as normal cliche for current RPG.  But don't judge the book by its cover, it is just the beginning. I encourage you to continue to write! Only one note, be deliberate on your action to prevent idea and inspiration insufficiency. Don't let the cliche deceptively prevent you from being creative.

Suffice to say, and perhaps this tip may be favorable. Think out of the box, the other way around, be different, the 'thing' that other normal people don't think of, a deviation, a new concept, revolutionary idea, and last but not least what Chrono Cross is as a 'sequel' to Chrono Trigger.

[x_XTacTX_x]

Just don't follow the whole "fighting god" cliche every RPG follows. FFXII did it right.

[IAmSerge]

Just don't follow the whole "fighting god" cliche every RPG follows. FFXII did it right.

Fighting god?

as in a god of fighting, or fighting against god (the latter more likely being what you implied)

Eventually its going to end up as a certain 'god' being the creator and source of the monsters that have so recently infested their world...
...sorry if thats too cliche.

And ive never played XII.

I can assure you, plot twists galore exist.

Or, a few of em, atleast.

Of course, one of them might be a cliche plot twist... (heh, interesting thought.)

You could say I stole ideas from a bunch of games...
...but I didn't actually steal them.  Its just that certain parts of the concept, ironically, as similar in part to other games.

...and thinking the other way around is just how this plot progresses.   Somewhat.


EDIT:  Yes, as for the intro that I posted up there, and the next "chapter" that I wrote, its pretty dull on paper.

These two chapters would go by in a matter of the players first 10 minutes... thats why it seems slow =D

[x_XTacTX_x]

Everything is similar to and takes from other pieces of work in one way or another regardless of how unique it is, I just hope you're really putting emphasis on the "unique".

And by "Fighting God", I mean the final boss escalating to the form of some angelic look creature with a design so biblical themed you feel like you just got home from mass after fighting it. Mithos from ToS, Final Kefka from FFVI, Safer Sephiroth from FFVII, and Bloody Sin from vagrant Story are all good examples.

Keep at it, your last post has me intrigued. Also, are you just planning on keeping this a literary work or are you looking into putting this into development?

[IAmSerge]

Everything is similar to and takes from other pieces of work in one way or another regardless of how unique it is, I just hope you're really putting emphasis on the "unique".

And by "Fighting God", I mean the final boss escalating to the form of some angelic look creature with a design so biblical themed you feel like you just got home from mass after fighting it. Mithos from ToS, Final Kefka from FFVI, Safer Sephiroth from FFVII, and Bloody Sin from vagrant Story are all good examples.

Keep at it, your last post has me intrigued. Also, are you just planning on keeping this a literary work or are you looking into putting this into development?

I plan on making it into a developed RPG after I finish my college career, and as of right now I am making it a "literary work" just to properly organize and detail my thoughts... I stopped liking the "script" format for writing a while ago.  and making an outline failed (I tried).

However, if this actually proves a good piece of literature, I might actually do somethign with it as it stands.

I would doubt it goes anywhere but who knows?