Chrono: To the Sea of Dreams - The Parody

[skylark]

Before I start, I don't want this in the front page just yet until after I get a few parts done. And if nobody likes script format... oh well.

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2400AD
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We come across a snowy field near a spring. A young woman in a tattered dress so faded that one could no longer tell its original color lies face-down next to the water.

????: No... I don't wanna be on Fear Factor... get Joe Rogan away from me...

She awakens with a start. She looks into the the water, where she sees in her reflection that her hair has changed color from blonde to teal blue.

????: Why do I get the feeling some some force somewhere just corrected a huge design mistake?

Masa: You have no idea.

The young woman shrieks at the sight of the strange, short being, and begins to wonder wether or not she is tripping on LSD. However, it soon became apparent that the spirit, and the ones behind it, are very real.

Mune: You remember anything?

????: ...Should I? ...oh damn.

Doreen: Crap, I think she's got amnesia.

????: ...Great. Unconsious girl comes from nowhere with amnesia. Never seen that premise before. >_<

Masa: Watch. First thing she remembers is-

Schala: Schala? The hell kinda name is that?

Masa: ...her name. >_>

Mune: Sound like she took a bit of that other girl with her.

Doreen: Here, you might wanna take this.

Schala: What is it?

Doreen: It's a list of anime, story, fanfic, and RPG cliches. Something tells me we're gonna find a lot of those in this thing.

Schala: *groan* I'd better get a Platinum trophy for this.

The girl tries to stand, but falls flat.

Schala: Umm, guys...?

Masa: Yeah, your legs are atrophied.

Schala: What? Why?

Doreen: *Zen-like* You've never used them before.

Schala: O_O

Masa: Please ignore Morpheus over there. >_<

Suddenly, the sounds of barking could be heard. A large pack of wolves has caught the scent of fresh meat. The three spirits are nowhere to be found. In their place is a strange double-sided weapon.

Schala: An oar? WTF, man?!

Wolf: *roars*

Suddenly, a ball of fire appears in Schala's hand.

Schala: Oooh, warm....

Wolf: *roars*

Schala: Ah, crap!

The fireball hit the wolf, setting it aflame.

Doreen: Man, PETA's gonna have your ass for that.

Somewhere else in the woods, a blonde man in a wine-colored coat senses trouble.

????: *sniff* Hmm... I smell the aroma of roasted wildlife...

Back by the spring, a larger wolf appears.

Schala: Ummm hi. Uhhh... was that your sister...? O_O

The head wolf lunges at her, only to be sliced in half.

????: No! Bad dog! No buscuit!

Realizing that they are confronted with somebody who can actually fight-

Schala: Hey!

- the wolves turn tail and run.

Roas: Okay, let's see. Mysterious teenage girl in tattered dress... mysterious pendant... can use magic without element grid... Hi, you must be one of the main characters in this piece of crap. Name's Roas. ^_^

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Schala (as she will now be called from here on) finds herself in the residence of the man who saved her. Among him are a black-haired girl around her age, and an older brown-haired woman.

Schala: Ok, I know you saved me and all... but aren't you guys in the wrong fanfic?

Roas: I... don't understand the question. Ninya?

'Brown-haired Woman': Don't look at me dear. I never pay attention to these things.

Roas: Fin?

'Fin': No idea. She's probably tripping out.

Schala: Considering the imps I saw earlier, that's a possibility.

Roas: Ninya, can I talk to you over there?

The two of them huddle in the corner.

Roas: Hon, I think I know where I've seen that pendant before. *whisper*

Ninya: You sure? If Porre happens to find her...

Roas: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Schala: ???

Roas: Alright, here's the deal. It's kind of cliche, but if we're gonna let you stay here, it's gonna have to be as a student. You're gonna need to learn to fight.

Fin: Wait, so I'm getting a roomate?

Schala: Who... are you guys?

Roas: Uhhh... you could call us modern-day Robin Hoods

Ninya: We take from the rich... and keep it to ourselves, basically. We're probably the only people left who openly oppose Porre.

Schala: Lovely. So it's either here or the wilds. Some choice... >_>

Fin: Well, there's also one of the domes, but with Porre's corruption, you... really wouldn't survive. They make Rule 34 for a reason.

Schala: O_O

Fin: ...You think I'm joking, don't you?

Schala: (quickly) On second thought, I'd be happy to be your student. ^_^

Ninya: Smart move.

Masa: This is gonna be fast.

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Six Years Later

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Fin: O_O

Mune: The hell? When did we enter a timeskip?

Masa: It's a Chrono fic. I'm not surprised.

Schala: ........

Fin: Schala?

Schala: I know kung-fu.

Fin: Kung-fu, huh? I didn't think Roas taught that.

Schala: Okay, sword fighting. Can we drop it? >_<

They hear voices inside the residence. Peeking inside, they find Roas and Ninya speaking to a stranger...

Roas: What is it, old man? Can't you let the camera pan out a bit more so the readers know who you are.

Old Man: But my boy, that'd make it too obvious. Ho ho!

Roas: As if it isn't obvious enough. Why are you here?

Old Man: I fear that Porre has gotten wise to your current whereabouts.

Ninya: *groan* We gotta move again? Geez...

Roas: Well, I guess the move'll be faster with Schala with us.

Old Man: I'm afraid that's not possible. She needs to head to Chronopolis. It is her fate.

Roas: Oh come on! Did the point of Chrono Cross completely slip by you?

Old Man: I can't help it. The script calls for it. Come on, if for nothing else than plot advancement.

Roas: I'll think about it...

Schala: .......

That night, Schala, wondering about the mysterious old man's words of Chronopolis, sneaks off into the night, Masa, Mune, and Doreen in hand.

Masa(Mune) (Longsword): Hey is this gonna be the last bit of screentime we have for a while?

Doreen (Katana): 'Fraid so. She's in that 'zone' again.

Schala makes her way to the large building. She is led somehow to a large chamber. In an overlooking chamber, a wrinkled hand pulls down a switch. Without warning, a column of blue light shines around her, lifting her in the air. Her pendant begins to glow.

Schala: Well, aren't you the little plot device? Something tells me I'm gonna head for hell sometime real quick... >_<

With that, she disappears into the timestream.

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Meanwhile, in the year 1220 AD, we see the other half of this story's heroes in a nightmare. Suddenly, with a start...

Lark: Ahh! Battlefield Earth! O_O

Our male lead looks around in the room he's in. There are lipstick marks all over him. There is a bra hanging from a nearby mirror. A smile crosses his lips as he remembers the previous night.

Lark: Giggity.

After a quick shower, he throws on an outfit to hear a knock on his window. Opening it to see what was the matter, he is met by a brick to the forehead.

Lark: Son of a... >_<

Lark sees the brick. A piece of paper is wrapped around it.

Lark: Glenn, we reeealy need to talk about your choice of mailing system...

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We now find ourselves in a mostly empty bar aside from the barmistress and a moderately intoxicated green-haired gentleman. At his side is a large rifle... and a crapload of bottles.

Jessica: Okay Glenn, I think you've had enough.

Glenn: I'm sober.

Jessica: I'm sure you are... *sound of the door opening* Hey temporary lover.

Lark: Hey. I'm sure it's not healthy to leave used bras hanging around the house. You were amazing, by the way.

Jessica: As usual.

Lark: Hey, Glenn.

Glenn looks up to find a brick heading towards him. He ducks.

Lark: Dammit! >_<

Glenn: Well, looks like you got my message.

Lark: No shit! Your 'message' is gonna leave a welt for days!

Glenn: Maybe this'll make you feel better. We got the big job.

Lark: ...Does this job involve a threesome and pudding, cause I'm seriously pissed right now.

Glenn: Close. Assassination.

Lark: ...

Glenn: Hey, put Picard away. This is the one you've been waiting for.

Lark looks at the paper. His eyes widen.

Lark: The Immortal King...

Glenn: Ruler of Porre.

Lark proceeds to have a flashback.

Porre soldiers all around.

Everything in flames.

Dead bodies all around.

And a one-eyed man laughing amongst the carnage.

A tossed bottle brings Lark out of his flashback.

Lark: Dude!

Glenn: I couldn't help it. That was a giant cliche. I had a duty to the readers.

Jessica: And that crumbling sound would be the 4th wall.

The door opens again, indicating another customer.

Lark: *drops the paper* Ohhh mama...

Jessica: Never fails... >_<

Schala: Two tequilas...

Lark immediately appears at her side.

Lark: *smoothly* New in town?

Schala: O_O

Schala looks at Lark. Then at Glenn, who takes another swig of booze. Schala takes out her list of cliches and checks 'Ladies Man' and 'Drunk Older Mentor'.

Schala: This fic is going to suck...

[skylark]

Some time later, our heroine is seen storming out of the bar. She check off Ladies Man/Pervert on her cliche list.

Schala: Should've known he'd try and cop a feel. >_<

Inside the bar, Lark is sprawled out over a broken table. Glenn uses one of the broken pieces as a footrest and takes another swig of his drink.

Glenn: Congrats, you pretty much just pissed off everyone in the sexism thread.

Jessica: Was it worth it?

Lark: *woozy* Thank you Andre... I'll have the veal piccatta... *faints*

----------------------------------------------------

That night a figure in a light violet cloak hides under a passing carriage to Porre. Unbeknownst to this figure, a small vehicle in the sky head in the same direction.

Passenger: I wonder how long the readers'll take to figure out it's the main characters?

Driver: As if the author couldn't have made that last sentence any more obvious. Absolutely dreadful writing ability.

Masa: *Hums Taps for the soon-to-be unfortunate passengers of this carriage.*

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Outside the city of Porre, a carriage has been set aflame by some random twist of fate.

Schala: Shameless, Mr. Author. Simply shameless.

What? You think I had something to do with it?

Schala: *gives a withering stare*

C-come on! Follow the script!

Schala: Alright, alright...

*ahem* Schala proceeds to sigh and heads into the city. She senses a creepy familiarity to the streets she currently walks on. She takes out her list and checks off 'Technological Wonderland in a land consisting mostly of Sword and Sorcery'.

Schala: You know, I really should have called this one.

She sees a small crowd of people outside a theater. Soldiers in blue are keeping the commoners at bay.

Schala: What's going on here?

Passerby: Our Lord Fuhrur's attending the Opera tonight, and one of the city's prized artifacts is being put on display as well.

Schala: Huh...

Passerby: I just hope no rather promising thieves would plan to steal it, cause it would spell both a moral and economic blow to the city.

Schala: Right...

Passerby: *slight pause* I mean, it would probably be a good start for anybody who wanted to make the future safer...

Schala: Yes...

Passerby: :

Schala: Wait a second. I could take this thing.

Passerby: I wouldn't say that out loud, but... genius.

Schala: ^_^

However, unknownst to Schala, someone else was also infiltrating. Somewhere in a dark corner of the building, a figure crashes through a window.

Glenn: *over radio* Real nice Lark. Might as well have gone through the front door armed to the teeth.

Lark: Hey, I got it. It's cool.

Soldier: I heard something over there!

Two soldiers check out the area. There is nothing in the hall except for a mysterious cardboard box. The soldiers shrug and head back to their posts. They are oblivious when said cardboard box shuffles past them. and into a clear area.

Lark: Too freaking easy.

However, another crash was heard. In the same chamber, a female figure had crashed through the roof. Not recognizing her as the woman he accosted-

Lark: Hey!

Correction. The woman he had spoken to in Dorino, he gives a wolf whistle. He then immediately regrets it when a sharp noise sound and a thick exclaimation mark appears over her head.

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Schala looks around the chamber, then stares at the strangely placed cardboard box. Eventually, she shrugs and moves on.

Schala: Is it just me, or did that box move. Oh well.

She heads down the hallways, surprised that there was practically no security around the artifacts in the building, until she enters the chamber of her target. The smooth silvery-black surface of the sphere reflected the image of the entire room.

Schala: Is this it? Let's see... Fiery Star Rock...? The hell? Is this in Babelfish?!

She proceeds to give a smack to the display.

Schala: Ahh. The Sun Stone. Much better.

Looking around for any guards, she smashes the display. Unfortunately, an alarm bell triggers at that moment.

Schala: Oh... right. I forgot to check wether or not they had these in this era. Hahahaha.... shit. >_<

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Only one word was going through Lark's mind as the alarm bells sounded.

Lark: Shit.

Deciding to hell with it and going for broke, Lark tosses away his disguise and barrels through the hallway to the spectator's section.

Soldier: Hey, that guy is running awfully fast towards us. You think we should move or do something?

Captain: Hey, what did I say about voicing opinions?

Soldier: Not to do it...

So, scattered like the bowling pins they were, the soldiers were knocked aside with the accompanying sound effects.

Captain: The irony! O_O

Lark makes it inside, dagger at the ready. However, the Immortal King had long sensed his presence and struck, sending the other man flying.

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Schala bolted to the chamber she had entered, almost home free, when she heard an increasingly loudening noise that sounded almost like somebody screaming. She looks off to the side and realizes she is unable to dodge the human missile in time.

Schala: Son of a-!

And thus, Lark and Schala were tossed into the nearest wall.

Lark: Ow....

Schala: I'd slap you... but honestly, I don't think I should be that surprised... >_<

Lark: Was that you who tripped the alarm? What the hell, lady?!

Schala: You're saying this is my fault?!

Lark: Yes! You blew my job to hell!

Schala: You screwed up my job! I have a right mind to-!

Both of them continue to argue even as Porrean soldiers train their guns at them. Suddenly...

????: Quiet!!

Without warning, the alarms, our two heroes, any outside chatter, even the background music shuts off. Facing them is the Immortal King.

Dalton: Close. You really were that close... Wait, I can't work like this. Can somebody turn the music back on?!

"Knight's Kingdom" from Legaia 2: Duel Saga begins to play.

Dalton: Excellent choice. *ahem* As I was saying... *finally notices Schala* Y-you!! >_O

Schala: Do I know you...?

Dalton: Ahh, just like old times. But seriously, why are you, of all people, invading my kingdom?

Schala: No, seriously. Who are you?

Dalton: *mutters* You always did take that joke a little too far. *normal* Lock them up!! I feel an execution tomorrow. >_^

Schala: Can this get any worse...?

That night...

Lark: Hey, roomie!

Schala: Ahhhhhgggg... :

[skylark]

Within the prisons beneath Dalton's palace, the sound of a harmonica can be heard. It is a sad melody, almost hoping for sympathy for the plight of-

Schala: Will you knock it off?!

Lark: *Puts his hands down. He is not holding a harmonica.* Sorry.

The two had recently been searched for weapons and other objects that might help them escape. As a result, Lark had been stripped to his waist, and Schala was relieved of her overcoat.

Lark: Ahhh, fanservice. Is there a greater joy?

Schala: What did I do in a past life to deserve this?

Lark: Could be worse.

Schala: I'm afraid to ask, but how?

Lark: They could have done a cavity search on you. In a completely unrealated note, I'm finding it very hard to sit down right now... Nice corset, by the way. Really accentuates your br-

Schala: Do you reeeeaaaly want to finish that sentence right now?

Lark looks around. His side of the cell is now covered in frost and icicles. He shivers, though probably not from the sudden cold.

Schala: Thought so.

Soldier: Hey scum. Execution time. Let's go.

Lark: Oooh! Is it gonna be humane? I hear these 'lethal injections' are all the rage these days. ^_^

Schala: I can't believe I'm gonna die with this nut. Well, from what little I can remember, I guess I've had a good life.

Poor poor woman... Uh! *ahem*

The two are escorted to a sandy arena. Nobility from all around the city are in the stands.

Lark: Ahh, public execution, huh? And... wait, is that a stake? O_O

Soldier: Shaddup!

Lark: *laughing* Oh man, they are making this too easy. ^_^

Schala: Wait, what?

Lark: You'll see. ^_^

The two are tied up to the stake. It is eventually set aflame. However, the flames spiral into the sky. A loud gutteral roar is heard. The flames suddenly dissipate as black feathered wings unfurl. Lark is the owner of these wings. He has now sprouted horns, fiery claws, and patches of his skin are now rather scaley. He breaks out a fanged grin.

Lark: Red innate, bitches! Take it!

Schala: O_O

Noble: Fiiiiiiiieeeeeeend!!!!

And thus, all hell breaks loose as the audience for this failed execution tries to get the hell outta Dodge. Waves upon waves of Porre soldiers enter the arena, where Lark gets to do what, in his mind, he does best.

Dalton: I did not see this coming. How did I not see this coming? *catches Lark's gaze* Ummm.... You all deal with this! *runs*

Lark: Oh no you don't!

Lark begins bounding after him, but a shout from Schala puts him on hold.

Schala: *surrounded by soldiers* A little help here?! O_O

Lark looks back toward the fleeing Dalton, then back at Schala.

Lark: Goddammit...!!

Lark heads back to help Schala. However, more soldiers are set up upon them. Schala swipes two sabers from a couple of corpses as a small battallion approaches her. She closes her eyes, realizing this is her first real battle.

Schala: 'Okay, Schala. Remember your your training. *recites mantra in time with her strikes* Aaaaand... When you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?'

Schala opens her eyes to reveal that she had defeated the entire battallion. She goes to cheer, but then realizes one of the swords is still stuck in a soldier. She pulls it free.

Schala: ...What?

Lark and the other soldiers simply stare at her.

Lark: That... was awesome.

Schala: ^_^

And it was apparrently enough to scare off the rest of the soldiers. Lark reverts back into human form.

Schala: So... a Fiend huh?

Lark: Despite being a Woosley-ism, I actually prefer the term Mystic.

Schala: I'll keep that in mind. We still need to find our stuff and get out of here.

And so they do.

Lark: So, be honest. How did you like me shirtless?

Schala: Nothing to write home about.

Lark: You didn't even hesitate...

Schala: *grabs her swords* So, you just gonna punch everything, or...?

Lark: *grabs two spears from a weapons rack* What was that?

Schala: *cocks eyebrow* Nevermind.

However, since we lack the budget to go through an entire dungeon, our heroes eventually find themselves in the upper balconies of the palace.

Schala: Crap, dead end.

Lark: Wings, remember?

Schala: So you're gonna fly us to safety? What's gonna happen when you get tired?

Lark: I've got friends somewhere. Trust me.

At that moment, however, a mechanical whirring noise is heard. Cutting off their escape is a giant humanoid mech.

Schala: Now that definitely doesn't belong in this era...

Lark: What?

Schala: *quickly* Nothing!

Despite being the innaugural first boss battle, the two of them don't make a dent and are soundly deafeated.

Lark: Ah dammit! This boss fight's scripted! Go for broke!

Lark suddenly carries Schala and jumps over the balcony. Alarm klaxons sound all over the city. Somewhere...

Glenn: That's my cue... >_<

Lark dodges gunfire from stationed soldiers until he spots a flying vehicle. Glenn  positions himself so that Lark and Schala fall into the seats.

Glenn: *notices Schala* God, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick up strange women during work?!

Lark: Just drive, dammit! >_<

Lark looks behind him. The Porreans have now called upon pursuit mechs.

Glenn: If they're sending the mechs... You better tell me you succeeded!

Lark: Uhhhhhhhhh.... >_>

Glenn:

Flying between buildings and firing off spells, our heroes make short work of their pursuers. However one of them gets a lucky shot off.

Schala: Umm, you do realize we're falling, right?!

Glenn: No shit, Sherlock! >_<

Lark: Grab onto something!

Schala and Glenn grab on to the nearest rails as the vessel flies into the forest outside the city. Lark grabs onto Schala.

Schala: If we survive this, I swe-

Schala's threat is cut off as the group crashes.

[Katie Skyye]

I like it! I like it a lot!

"Mr. Skylark, tear down this (Fourth) wall!"

[skylark]

*Woohoo! Got a reply! People DO read these things! *

Glenn: Ow...

Amazingly enough, our heroes survive the crash-landing into Fiona's Forest.

Schala: Anything broken...?

Glenn: Just Lark, I think...

Lark is currently embedded into a tree.

Glenn: I think throwing him like that was a little much, don't you think?

Schala: It was the second time in two days he grabbed me. I think it was warranted.

Glenn: Point taken.

Lark: *weakly* Traitor...

Glenn: Oh, he's up.

Schala: Let's leave him. From what I saw earlier, he can probably get out on his own... eventually.

Lark:

Glenn: Yeah, you're right. Consider it payment for the cost of another wind rider, Lark!

Lark: Whyyyyyy?

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One transitional area later...

Schala: So you guys are mercenaries...

Glenn: Yeah. Selling our souls for gold. What about you?

Schala: Uhhh...

Glenn: Amnesia, huh?

Schala: Yeah... wait, what?!

Glenn: Mysterious girl comes out of nowhere. You think we aren't aware of the premise?

Lark: Hey, don't those archetypes end up shacking with the male lead?

Glenn: And who says you're the male lead?

Schala: XD

Lark: Funny. >_< At least I get some on a regular basis.

Glenn: Look, before you go to far, I can tell that she's not gonna be like your regular one-night-stands. You aren't gonna be able to charm her like you do most women.

Lark: Wanna make a wager on that, my friend?

Schala: I'm standing right here, you pikers! >_<

Glenn: Let's stop this. We're almost there.

Schala: Wait. Who said I wasn't gonna take the bet?

Lark/Glenn:

Schala: What?

Lark: Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Schala: Well... uh... It's not like I know anyone else around here...

Glenn: Oh man... I don't want to split our reward money three ways... >_<

Lark: You're hired.

The two shake hands.

Lark: I'll have you in bed by the middle of this fic. ^_^

Schala: Hah! I'll have you eating crow first.

And thus was the beginning of a tolerable friendship... and the crashing and burning of an overused Chrono fanfic premise.

Schala: Ah, screw you too. >_<

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Soon enough, the group enters Dorino...

Glenn: So, who's gonna take responsibility for telling our client we failed the job?

Lark and Schala point to each other, then glare.

Glenn: And so it's up to me. Lovely...

The group heads to a wooded area. There, a hooded man and a red-headed woman are waiting. Lark is unable to stop himself as he puts his arm around her..

Lark: Why hello there. I don't think I've ever seen you around here before.

Glenn: That's Lillith... our client.

Lark:

Lillith grins smugly as Lark backs off.

Lark: I-I-I knew that! I was just testing!

Schala:

Lillith: So gentlemen, I'm hearing stories that the Immortal King still lives. What happened?

Glenn: *gulp*

Lark and Schala begin speaking at the same time, eventually arguing over whose fault it was. Lillith messages her temples while Glenn lights up a cigarette.

Lillith: Quiet!

Lark/Schala:

Lillith: One at a time...

Eventually...

Lillith: So, the mission was botched because the thief we hired didn't do what she was supposed to...

Schala: Wait, what do you mean supposed to?!

Lillith: You were supposed to wait until the crowd was panicked by the assassination to steal the Sun Stone!!

Lark: Ha! I knew it!

Schala: Your little toady didn't tell me that!

Lillith: So I'm supposed to take your word over my subordinate's?

Glenn: Umm, yeah. Your 'subordinate' is trying to slink away.

Glenn is right. The hooded man is indeed trying to tiptoe away from his impending doom.

Lillith: Rupert!

Rupert stops, realizing he's been caught.

Rupert: I'm sorry! I couldn't concentrate! I was too busy staring at her chest! They practically scream, "Look at me!"

Schala: O_O

Lark: *sagely* I sympathize with your struggle, my friend.

Schala: >_<

Lillith: ...........

Schala: ..........

Lillith: I suppose simply giving an apology would be in poor taste. The payment for your troubles will be taken out of Rupert's hide, I assure you.

Rupert:

Lillith: If only we could have at least gotten the Sun Stone...

Schala: Oh, that thing?

Schala proceeds to shake the skirt of her overcoat. A large black sphere drops to her feet.

Glenn: Wow. I've the term 'shitting a brick' before, but this is nuts.

Lillith: Is that what I think it is?

Lark: We were captured. How the hell did they not catch that?

Schala: They're Porreans. The never have the foresight to check Hammerspace.

Lillith: Hmmm. Very well. I suppose one out of two isn't bad.

Lark: Wait... Does that mean she's getting all the reward money...?

Glenn: 'Fraid so.

Lark: Weak... >_<

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Later that day...

Lark: I suppose this is the part where we say 'Welcome to the team', but we've got some personal ground rules to cover.

Schala stands ready with a pad and paper.

Lark: #1 - Newbies pay for inn fees and beer expenses. Since I have now graduated from the status of Newb, we will be counting on you. #2 - Do everything you can to help us stay out of the red.

Glenn: Keep in mind this is the one rule Lark has yet to follow. Your midnight liasons with the local maidens aren't cheap.

Schala:

Lark: Dude, you're making it sound like I'm soliciting them... >_<

Glenn: I know, but Porrean laws have hiked up the cost of birth control, so you're gonna have to curb your libido.

Lark: Dammit! >_<

Glenn: And finally, #3 - You complete your mission at any cost. We do have a reputation to uphold, after all.

Lark: Recent events notwithstanding, of course.

Schala: So do we go around asking NPCs for jobs or...?

Lark: Phhht! That is so 1995. We have a liason in each town that gives us the jobs nowadays.

Glenn: Our friend Jessica from the bar is our Dorino contact. Speaking of which...

Jessica skids to a stop in front of the group.

Jessica: I have a request. It's an emergency!

Lark: *sigh* Jess, you know the rules. We can't afford freebies.

Jessica: Mina's been kidnapped!

Lark:

Without warning, Lark disappears in a cloud of dust, having run off full speed in some random direction. Schala, Glenn, and Jessica sweatdrop.

Schala: So...

Glenn: Mina is Jessica's twin sister.

Schala: *looks Jessica up and down* Figures... >_<

Jessica: He has good taste... ^_^;

Glenn: So yeah. Just give us the details... and if, by any strange chance we run into Lark, we'll give him the word.

Schala: And if we don't find him?

Glenn: Sucks to be him.

Schala: Nice.

[skylark]

Schala: Okay, 'Mine Shaft Dungeon'. Check.

Schala checks another notch on her cliche list. Dorino's mine shaft is where their information on Mina had led them. Why was a buxom barkeep captured in the first place? Ransom. The town of Dorino would have to pay ransom if they wanted the girl back alive. And Dorino was a town close-knit enough that every citizen considered each other family.

Eventually, Schala and Glenn reached the room where Mina was being held.

Schala: I knew it. She's a pallette swap of Jessica.

Glenn: Not entirely. Lark can tell you the difference, but you'll probably smack him afterwards.

Schala: :

Glenn: Now here's the plan. I'll sneak into the rafters and start opening fire. You ice the floor so that the remaining troops are off balance. We set?

Schala nods in agreement. However...

Lark: *from out of frickin nowhere* Leeeeroooooy Jeeenkiiiins!!!!

Glenn:

Schala:

The sounds of Lark going to town on Mina's kidnappers can be heard.

Glenn: I don't believe it...

Schala: What?

The two instinctively duck as a kidnapper flies offscreen.

Glenn: The author's using memes now. Does he not have an original bone in his body...?

As a matter of fact, I do. It's usually just sleeping. (Yeah... that's the ticket...)

Lark: 30 seconds. New record.

Mina: My hero... ^_^

Lark: *unties Mina* We're not out of the woods yet, babe. Come on.

Schala: What is this? I don't even...

Lark: What are you guys standing around for? Let's go.

Schala: Does he...?

Glenn: You'll get used to it... >_<

As the group makes their way close to the exit, they are stopped by three figures.

???: Let the human go.

???: Yeah! She's our meal ticket!

???: *sigh* You would want to eat her, wouldn't you?

???: Maybe yes, maybe no. :3

Mina: It's difficult being popular...

???: Quiet!!

The three step out of the shadows.

Glenn: Oh, are you kidding me?! Is the author gonna ruin these three as well?

Lark: .......

Schala: Am I missing somehing...?

Lark: I'd like to present to you this era's Mystic Trio.

Ozzie: Well what do we have here? If it isn't the traitor. What do you have to say for yourself, yo-

Lark: Hey hey hey HEY! That's a spoiler, you piker!

Flea: Oh, don't get so mad. I can make it all better... ^_^

Lark: You stay the hell away!

Schala: Ahh yes. That's always the thing about Flea, isn't it?

Glenn: Well, this one's a bit different from previous incarnations. Aside from... boy plumbing... he's physically a woman.

Schala: You're saying...?

Glenn: There is no Flea Vest.

Schala: Wow!

Flea: Impressive aren't they? *winks at Lark*

Lark shudders.

Ozzie: *coughs loudly*

Slash: *snorts awake* What did I miss?

Ozzie: Can we stay on topic please?!

Flea: My bad! :3

Ozzie: I will tell you right here that I've been looking forward to this!

Lark: *growls*

Ozzie: Prepare yourselv- *collapses*

Slash:

Flea:

Lark: Wow... did Ozzie forget his heartworm medication?

Slash and Flea turn around to see Lillith sheathing a very large nodachi. Around here are many men in brown cloaks.

Flea: Oh crap. It's the RD! (Radical Dreamers)

Slash: I can take them!

The Radical Dreamers unsheath whatever weapons they're carrying.

Slash: ..............

Flea: ......................

Slash: ........I can take them!

Flea: Yeah, we're going.

Flea casts a teleportation spell, sending away herself, Slash, and Ozzie. Lillith approaches the group.

Lillith: We meet again. So she really is with you. I thought you were just saying things to make me think that.

Glenn: Come on. We aren't that shameless.

As he says this, Jessica runs up and pulls her sister in an embrace. Both girls then cling to Lark and lead him back to town.

Jessica: You are getting such a reward tonight! ^_^

Mina: Hey, don't hog him! I wanna thank him too! :3

Lark proceeds to pull off a Nice Guy Pose(TM) before leaving with the twins.

Schala: ..............

Lillith: ..............

Glenn: Him, however, I'm afraid I can't speak for.

-------------------------------------------------------------

That night....

Schala: *takes another shot* Maybe I'm beginning to think I made a mistake joining up. What a prick...

Glenn: Yeah, he's a cad, alright. He thinks with the wrong head most times, but he's more or less a decent guy... as long as he keeps to his contract, anyway...

Schala: What?

Glenn: What?

Schala shakes her head, swearing Glenn had said something strange, and turns to Lillith.

Schala: So you're with the RD. Kind of weird you being in Porrean territory.

Glenn: Not quite. Dorino, despite being on the Porrean side of the continent, is actually considered Guardia territory. However, since Guardia is more or less allied with Porre... What brings you here, anyway?

Lillith: The Elements in the mine. Of course, since we're pratically at Porre's doorstep, I figured we could give King Dalton a proper send-off in the process.

Glenn: .....Are you offering another job?

Lillith: We need an escort to Guardia, and we could use the extra hands to get our cargo past the checkpoint at Zenan Bridge.

Schala: So more possible death and carnage, huh? Whoopie...

Glenn: We need the work. You got a deal.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next morning, Schala arrives in the town square. She sees a large group of children around Mina and Lark.

Schala: .......

Glenn: Mina and Jess are sort of this town's idols.

Schala jumps in surprise.

Schala: Don't do that! >_<

Glenn: You see all that? Lark may be a cad, but what we do... what he does... puts everyone around him at ease to the point where they don't care about his obvious faults.

Schala: ...Yeah. I guess I can see that. But... It's wierd. Something feels a little off.

Glenn: If only they knew what he was like when it comes to Porre, though.

Schala: Glenn...?

Glenn: Most everybody in the world wants Porre to burn. Its people enforce fascist beliefs, they destroy entire acres of land just to find a single element, and they believe they they are the highest order of humanity. But nobody want to see it burn more than him. You remember how he fought all those soldiers in Porre?

Schala: ..................

Glenn: He's fighting an uphill battle. A part of him wants things to be just like this. To care about everyone and everything around him. But the rest wants to throw it all aside so he can focus on killing Dalton and his entire kingdom. *sigh* Something's gonna happen Schala, I can feel it.

Schala: You know, it's probably just gas... >_>

Glenn: Something's gonna effect that balance in his soul eventually. And he's gonna throw it all away and burn his bridges behind him... and if that happens...

Schala: Glenn...

Glenn: This is why I don't think it's a good idea for you to quit on us now over something, in the long run, is pretty minor.

Schala: You may be right...

Glenn: Hey, do me a favor. Keep this between us, will you?

Schala: Hey... if what you say does happen, what will you do...?

Glenn: .........................

Schala: ...........

Glenn: What I have to.

----------------------------------------------------------------

(*microphone feedback*

This is the author speaking. I just want to warn you all now that even though this is a parody, there will be time where serious moments will play out amongst the funny. The above is such an example. Other than that, I hope you continue to enjoy reading this. If anyone is willing to give replies or feedback, by all means do so. Thank you.)

[skylark]

Our heroes, with Lillith in tow, leave the town of Dorino and head to the World Map.

Schala: Woah! This is a fanfic, not an RPG. I get the need for a quick transition, but come on!

Fine. It takes our heroes a few days to get to the Zenan Bridge.

Schala: Holy crap. It looks like the traffic outside of Los Angeles.

Lillith: And that's with all the military vehicles.

Glenn: Vehicles? Isn't 200 years after Cross just a little too soon for the world to be going steam-punk?

Lark: Three syllables: Hi-Ho Tank.

Schala: Three more syllables: Gonzalez.

Lillith: Don't you mean Gato?

Glenn: Alright, alright. Point taken. Now how are we doing this?

Lillith: We just need to make a big distraction for my men to slip across with the cargo.

Glenn: How big a distraction?

Lillith: I hear your friend made jerky out of a lot of soldiers in Porre.

Lark: I like this plan.

Glenn/Schala: .......

Lark: What?

Glenn/Schala: Nothing!

--------------------------------------------------------

In the bridge's checkpoint, a soldier is whistling, looking up. Suddenly, he sees a bright light in sunset sky.

Soldier: Oh God! It's the Red Star, coming to stain the earth red!

Soldier 2: (offscreen) We don't get the reference!

It is at this point that the whole checkpoint explodes. Lark climbs out of the rubble.

Lark: *in demon form* Oh, come on! That was weak!

Schala:

Glenn:

Lillith: That... was impressive.

Meanwhile, in the second checkpoint, a general adresses his troops on the new situation.

Soldier: General Hans, speaking!

Hans: Really. Porre already has enough similarities to Nazi Germany. And the author's really naming me Hans? Unbelievable. I assume you want me to use the faux German accent? Fine. *sharply* Heil, Dalton! *salutes*

....You don't have to be a dick about it. >_<

Hans: *gives the author the 'screw off' motion* Deploy the tank.

Our heroes head to the second checkpoint to find a tank in their path.

Lark: Alright. 'Tanks' for the memories.

Lillith/Glenn/Schala: ...........................................

Everyone else, including the tank itself, sweatdrops. A crow squawks in the background.

The tank explodes from the sheer humiliation.

Lark: *back in human form* That was hurtful...

Hans: Luckily, I am immune to bad jokes. Have at thee!

As the group fights Hans, we see a view through binoculars.

Female Voice: Laaaark. I've found you..... ^_^

From far off the battlefield, a large whale surfaces from the water and heads towards the bridge rather quickly. Lark suddenly feels a chill up his spine.

Lark:

Glenn: What is it?

Lark: *horrified* Is there a whale heading towards us?

Schala: There is, but what's that got to do with anything?

Glenn: Oh no...

Lillith: What?

Lark: *horrified* Run. Run now. Run hard. Run fast.

The party does so. Hans, unaware of the approaching danger, taunts them.

Hans: Ha! Is that the best you have! I am invincible! This is the power of Porre, you animals! That... *finally notices the whale as it jumps up* That... that...

The whale lands atop the bridge. We see a figure jump off it. We are only able to see shapely legs and a blue tail.

Female Voice: I'm coming, Lark! Wait for me, my darling!

----------------------------------------------------------

The group, still running, comes across a crossroads. Lark immediately hides in the nearest tree. The others are pulled up with him.

Schala: What are you-

Lark: Shhh!

We see a fetching young demi-human mermaid. From the looks of her outfit, one can assume she was drawn for the sole purpose of fanservice, as it left very little to the imagination.

Mermaid: Lark... Where are you...?

Lark discreetly tosses a stone in a random direction. The girl's scaly ears perk up and she follows the noise. As soon as she leaves the screen, Lark shimmies down to the ground.

Schala: Wow. A woman with a body you'd kill to sleep with, yet you're avoiding her like the plague. How the hell does that work?

Lillith: She was calling your name. Is there any history you'd like to share?

Glenn: Hey Schala. Does that list of cliches have anything about the male lead having an annoying childhood friend?

Schala: It does. Oh...

Lark: Can we get going before she realizes what's up? Please?

Lillith: Yeah, we should meet up with my comrades in Truce, anyway.

The party heads for Truce... however...

Mermaid: *popping out of the bushes* :3

----------------------------------------------------

In Truce, the party makes reservations at the inn.

Lillith: Well, it seems my men made it with the Elements safely. Nice job.

Lark: You see? This is what happens when things go according to plan.

Schala: That better not have been a subtle jab at me... >_>

Glenn: Uh... Lark...?

Lark looks over... and freezes in fear. Standing across the street from them is the mermaid from earlier. Lark slumps down in defeat.

Glenn: Hi, Reika!

Lark: Oh shut up... >_<

Thus, Reika rushes over, her arms widened in an embrace.

Lark: Oh god, here it comes. *Reika jumps to him in a spinning hug* Ugh!

Reika: You dick! You never write...

Lark: You think there could be a reason for that?

Reika: *oblivious, nuzzling him* First things first. Gotta take you back to Marbule, get a tux ready for you, and have the wedding of our dreams! *playfully tugs on Lark's face* It'll be so wonderful! Now afterwards, I'm gonna want a big house, two, maybe three kids, and-

The others in the party sweatdrop as Reika drones on.

Lillith: I think I'm starting to get an idea of why he's trying to avoid her...

Schala: No kidding. I almost feel sorry for him... almost.

Reika suddenly stops. There is a sudden chill as she turns her head to Schala and Lillith.

Glenn: Hoo boy. This'll be messy. *unfolds an umbrella like a shield*

Schala: I'm beginning to think that maybe we should run.

Lillith: *hand on sword* I run from no challenge.

Glenn, Lark, and Schala sweatdrop.

Reika: I didn't think Lark went for C cups. All this time away from me must have lowered his standards.

Lillith:

Glenn: Ouch...!

Reika faces Schala... and pauses.

Reika: You look like a worthy opponent, but... something's not quite right here...

Reika takes a piece of paper out of Hammerspace. It is Akira Toriyama's official art of Schala. The mermaid looks back and forth between the picture and the real Schala.

Schala: What...?

Reika steps forward and...

We cut to Lark, Glenn, and Lillith. The sounds of a squeak toy can be heard.

Glenn: *squeak*

Lillith: *squeak*

Lark: *squeak* *nosebleeds and faints*

Schala: *squeak*

Reika: You're seventeen in this picture, and you were a B-and-a-half! You should have stopped growing! How the hell did you get those to a D?! Does the author seriously go for this?! There's more to a girl than just boobs, you know! >_<

.....Well, since you really think that, I could always make yours smaller.

Reika: *panicking, quickly* I'll be good!

Thought so.

Glenn: That was certainly interesting. *blinks*

Schala is too stunned to speak. She motions towards Glenn. He doesn't need to ask the details, as he simply hands her one of his cigarettes and lights it. Schala takes a few drags.

Lillith: I'm guessing this means one more for our little band... >_<

Lark: Don't say that. She's probably just here to add to my character. I mean-

From out of nowhere, the Chrono fanfare plays.

Message: Reika has joined your party!

We cut to a far-off shot of Truce.

Lark: OH, SON OF A BITCH!!!!!

[skylark]

With the party having grown by two-

Lillith: Wait, what?

-they make their way to a mansion built in the area formerly known as Leene Square.

Lark: So why are we going here?

Lillith: We're going to see the RD's benefactor. Magistrate Cecille of Guardia.

Glenn: Woah, wait. Isn't she a bigwig of Porre?

Lillith: Officially... >_>

Schala: Clandestine operations and double-crosses are job one in this fic, huh?

Reika: Get out your pens, folks. It looks as though we're gonna get slapped with some exposition. >_<

Lillith: Guardia looks as though it's independent of Porre, but the truth is that we are just as much slaves of the system as the rest of the world. Guardia cannot risk open conflict as it stands right now. The last kingdom to do so was the kingdom of fiends, Medina. However... seven years ago, it was annihilated in the course of a single night.

Lark: ..........

Lillith: The goal of the Radical Dreamers is to weaken Porre by any means necessary. We mostly employ thieves and mercenaries in that regard. However, due to Porre's trangressions towards them a couple hundred years ago, we have recently made a deal with the Viper Clan of El Nido.

Glenn: Considering they were a major factor in Porre taking over Guardia, I can definitely smell the irony. Frankly, it smells like Denny's.

Reika: Ouch...

Lillith: I won't lie to you. This will be a very long-term job, but you will be paid accordingly. All I can ask is that you consider our position. Well, here we are. Please be on your best behavior... >_>

Glenn: ...... >_>

Reika: ........ >_>

Schala: ......... >_>

Lark: Wait, why's everybody looking at me?

Lillith: *massages temples* Gee, why don't you tell us.

The group is allowed into the audience hall. Sitting on the throne... is... wait, this can't be right...

Lark: O_O

Schala: How old is Cecille again?

Glenn: She's supposed to be 25...

Reika: She looks twelve.

Cecille: 'Every time...' I AM 25. >_<

Lark: Bullshit!

No no no NO NO!! I am NOT entertaining Japanese pedophilia perverts! Lark, get her to the surgeon!

Lark: Right away, boss.

Lark proceeds to take a shocked Cecille offscreen. Sounds of surgical tools can soon be heard in the background.

Lillith: *horrified*

Soon after, Lark returns with Cecille, who now actually looks her age.

Lark: Sorry about that, Miss Magistrate, but the author doesn't get the fascination of the whole 'Little girls are sexy.' mindset in Japan.

Cecille: *dazed* Point taken...

After the initial shock wears off, our heroes are briefed on Guardia's stance with Porre and the Radical Dreamers. Basically, everything Lillith said a few paragraphs earlier.

Cecille: Hey, her word doesn't count. Mine does. >_<

Lillith: ...................

Schala: *raises eyebrow*

Cecille: Well, I'll give you about two days, then I demand a response or I'll have you hunted. ^_^

Lillith: *coughs*

Cecille: 'Oh crap!' I mean, I'll have a messenger come and remind you. ^_^

Party: ........

Suddenly, a small group of puppies, kittens, and baby chickens run out of a nearby door. A chef soon chases after them.

Cecille: My dinner! *to Lillith* Help him, you worthless lump!!

Lillith: *sigh* Right away, My Lady.

Cecille: Toodles. ^_^

After the party leaves...

Lark: Is it just me, or am I suddenly getting a bad vibe from all of this?

Schala: Was this before or after the discovery that she apparently eats puppies for dinner?

Glenn: Are you volunteering to check her out for us, then?

Schala: What? ...Yeah, I guess. Glenn, can you help me reach the vent?

Reika: Hey!

Lark: Why not ask us?

Glenn: Cause I'm the only one here who hasn't groped her yet.

Schala: Thank god... >_>

Schala soon finds her way to above the audience chamber. Lillith and Cecille are apparently having a little spat.

Cecille: How dare you embarrass me like that! I have a good mind to put you to the whip!

Lillith: In my defense, sister, you're the one who let slip about having them hunted.

Cecille proceeds to backhand Lillith.

Schala: O_O

Cecille: Don't you ever call me that! The fact we share the same blood sickens me enough as it is...

Lillith: *bows* Forgive me, My Lady... but I must ask, for the sake of informing the readers, what do you plan to do when you do eventually overthrow Porre? Do you truly plan to help undo the damage they have done?

Cecille: Hell no! The world will belong to me. It'll be my playground, not Dalton's. He's too old and creepy. Now, I want you to remember...

Cecille grabs Lillith by the collar.

Cecille: It is only because of my father-

Lillith: Our father.

Cecille: *tightens grip* MY father's... last wishes that your head hasn't become attached to a noose yet. If it were up to me, I'd toss you into the nearest burning wood pile. Now get out of my sight.

Schala proceeds to check 'Seemingly good ruler is, in actuality, an Evil Bitch' on her list of cliches. She proceeds to exit out of the vents, where she runs into Lillith.

Schala:

Lillith: I don't know how much you heard back there, but I would let it go if you know what's good for you.

Schala: Well, since I'm caught, why do you cater to that... thing?

Lillith: The word of Guardia rules all, and as Magistrate, the Lady is the word of Guardia.

Schala: I don't know how to say this, but if you do everything she asks, do you really think she'll accept you as her sister, cause I seriously doubt it.

Lillith: ....................

Schala: Ummm...

Lillith: Your comrades are waiting for you...

As Lillith leaves Schala on her own...

Schala: She seems so... weak-willed and submissive... Phht. There's no way I'd ever be that kind of person...

*snort* Hehehehehehehe, Hahahahahahahahahaha, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Oh god, that's funny. Hahahaha hahahahaha... ha... ha...

Schala: *gives the author a dirty look*

*Ahem* I was just thinking that there was a lot of irony in what you just said.

Schala: *stares*

*cough* You'll find out later. You'll laugh too.

Schala: :rolleye: *leaves*

*phew*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Glenn: So, even if we complete this job, we're all going to Hell anyway?

Schala: I don't think it's worth it, but I do kinda feel sorry for Lillith...

Lark: It's her choice. Nothing we can do can change her mind. She's the only one who can do that.

Reika: That was pretty insightful. Did you hit your head or something?

Lark: >_<

Schala: So what do we do, then?

Glenn: If we let Dalton do what he pleases, then nothing'll change. But we help Cecille win, who knows what kind of crap, she'll think up. Honestly, I'm not sure what the right answer is.

Lark: If she thinks up a world worse than Dalton's then we do something about it.

Reika: Lark?

Lark: I don't know about the rest of you, but the longer we sit on our asses thinking about this, the further that Dalton gets a foothold. I'm willing to give this a shot.

Schala: And if she double-crosses us?

Lark: She won't, cause we're not gonna give her the chance.

Glenn/Reika/Schala: .............

???: Interesting proposition.

At once, our heroes take up their weapons. In the corner of the room stands a blonde man in a light brown coat and sunglasses. A twin-tailed scarf floats in a windless breeze. Next to him stands a giant tiger-like demi-human.

Glenn: When and how the hell did you get in here?!

'Tiger': We're in the next room. (motions to the open door) See?

And our heroes proceed to mass-facefault.

???: Graceful.

Glenn: Alright, we'll give you that one... >_<

Reika: Hey, those insignias... Are you Dragoons?

Schala: They must be the representatives from the Viper Clan Lillith told us about.

'Tiger': Well, G, looks like they've already been briefed.

'G': Couldn't you have given me a more appropriate code name, Schwann? I feel like a reject in Malibu's Most Wanted. >_<

Schwann: Well, anything else I could think of would be a spoiler.

G: Fair enough. Anyways, I'm assuming you've already made a decision to help.

Glenn: Lark's made a decision to help. We're still on the fence.

Reika: Lark kinda has a point, though.

Schala: Lillith never said that we couldn't quit at any time, though. If things start getting too hectic in our end...

Glenn: Am I the only one here who cares about our rep?

Lark: Glenn, I think it's unanimous.

Glenn: Aaaarrrgggg... It's times like this I wish I remained going solo... >_<

Schwann: I guess this means we'll be working together, then. I'm Schwann, second in command of the Acacia forces.

G: And right-hand schmooze to Lady Maria.

Schwann: You'd think that would be an insult, but... heh.

G: And... *sigh* I'm 'G', leader of the 4 Devas.

Lark: Sup, G? ^_^

At once, everyone in the room except Lark breaks out in a cold sweat. Outside the room, a murder of crows sitting on one of the shingles fall over one by one, dead.

G: I told you this was gonna happen... >_>

Schwann: That was horrible...

Glenn: Lark... stop doing that.

Lark:

Lillith: I take it Lark made another doozy?

Schala: Yeah. Anyway, we've decided.

Lillith: Good choice...

Glenn: Okay, now see? Even she thinks it's a bad idea, and she's the one asking us! >_<

----------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, back at the ruined Zenan Bridge, two Black Wind agents peer over at the body of Hans.

Agent: I think he's still alive...

Hans: *groan*

Agent: We have a letter for you from Lord Dalton... yeah, I think we'd better read. *ahem*

Dalton (vo): Hans, it has come to my attention that you have let valuable resources slip into hostile territory, and allowed my checkpoints to be destroyed. This will not go well on your permanent record, young man. Therefore, if you're still alive that is, I have decided to demote you to the rank of Captain. Have a nice day.

Hans immediately bolts from his indentation and grabs the letter...

Hans: *tearing the letter* NEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIN!!!! I will not STAND FOR THIS!! You two! Tell me you've found where the RD's are hiding!

Agent: We've found where the RD's are hiding. It's the ruins of an old cathedral.

Hans: Contact High Command and get me some damn troops! We're invading.

Agent: Umm, since you've benn demoted, you're gonna need to go back to Porre and request the troops yourself. Sorry.

Hans: Son of a bitch... >_<

[IAmSerge]

XD =D

[skylark]

We cut to a few days later. Hans stands within the dark chamber, obviously nervous. A spotlight comes on over Dalton's chair.

Dalton: So, you want to get some troops to storm an old cathedral? What, are the nuns giving you noogies, now?

???: *laughter*

???: My, how the mighty have suddenly fallen, brother...

Hans: Do not speak for me, Diana! This is only a setback! Besides, the information is reliable that the RD's have their base there.

???: I suppose it looks legit... hard to take the word of a 'Captain' instead of a General...

Hans: There's also info on new recruits for our enemy.

Hans displays a photgraph of Lark's party.

Dalton: Them? Figures this'll come back to haunt me... >_<

Diana: Oh my... *looks at Lark* He certainly grew up handsomly...

???: Remember Diana. You're the King's concubine. You know better.

Hans: Yes. Whoring yourself certainly makes one rise in the ranks around here... *mutters* Lara Croft reject...

Diana: You're just bitter because now I'm a higher rank than you. Besides, I only kiss His Highness' ass once a week. You tend to do it on a daily basis.

???: Ha! She makes a good point. We can see the brown on your nose from here.

Dalton: Alright. Shald, I think we're gonna stop that train of thought there. Now, do you want your job back?

Hans nods enthusiastically.

Dalton: *warningly* Don't screw this up. Dismissed.

Hans: *runs*

Shald: 200 gold says he comes back here beaten.

Diana: Same!

Dalton: Well, this sucks. We need to find somebody who actually has faith in him for this to be interesting...

All three of them sweatdrop. Apparently, there is no such person.

-----------------------------------------------------

As we head back to our heroes...

Reika: An old beat down church. How did Porre not put two and two together again?

Lillith: We're good at hiding... >_>

Glenn: Wow. I wonder how Guardia fell again...

Lillith: Please don't test me.

Schwann: I gotta admit, this is a riot.

G: Hey, I think she's staring at you...

Schwann turns to see that Schala is indeed staring at him.

Schwann: Yes...

Schala: Umm, I was just wondering... could you hold this for a second?

Schala hands Schwann a cheeseburger. He looks at it confused.

Schala: Okay, now read this. :3

Schwann: I can haz... cheezeburger...?

G starts cracking up with laughter.

Schwann: >_<

Schala jumps, clapping her hands in glee.

Schala: I'm sorry. I had to do it. ^_^

Schwann: Aplology accepted... I guess.

Lark notices this exchange and zips to them.

Lark: So you're telling me this is your type...?

G: No I think she just enjoys people who have a sense of humor.

Lark: I have a sense of humor.

Glenn and Reika stick earplugs in their ears. They apparently know where this is headed.

Schala: No offense, but you don't have a good track record.

Lark: I just haven't had time to hit my stride!

Unbeknownst to them, a Roly, with a Green Imp as its rider, stalks upon the party, waiting to strike.

Lark: Okay, what do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Schala, Schwann, and G look confused for a moment...

Lark: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

The Green Imp readies to strike... but the Roly, in a cold sweat, now has other plans. To the Imp's shock, the Roly rolls off of the nearest ravine. The imp screams as he's taken for the ride. Lark, Schala, Scwann, and G sweatdrop.

G: Dude... seriously. You need to stop now.

Lark: What did I do?

Schwann: You made a Roly commit suicide! Did you not notice?!

Glenn: Again?

Reika: Was there a Blue Imp or a Green Imp on it?

As Lillith is about to bring out the Picard emote, a loud rumbling can be heard.

G: Schwann, you didn't eat that cheeseburger, did you?

Schala: Guys...

Over the ridge, the party sees an entire battallion of Porre soldiers, led by Hans.

Lark: Ummm... How the hell did we miss that?

Glenn: I blame you.

Lark: <_<

Glenn: *shrugs* Just saying.

Lillith: We have to get word to the forces to attack!

Rupert: Miss Lillith!

Lillith: What?

Rupert: We've just been informed that we don't have the budget necessary to handle such a full-scale operation!

Lillith: What?! Well, what do we have time for?

Rupert: One boss battle.

Hans steps out of a helicopter. His eyes widen when he sees Reika.

Lark: Hey, it's Laughing Boy.

Hans: You!!!

Reika: Do I know you?

Hans: That was your whale, you animal!! It jumped!!! You monster!!! And your whale!!! It crushed!!! And your whale!!! You inhuman freak!!!! And your WHALE!!!!!!!!!

Schala: Oh look, he's frothing.

Glenn/Lillith: Awwwww...

Hans: Diiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Reika dodges all of his attacks, only to trip on a root.

Schwann: You think we should help her?

Lark: The guy's a comic relief villain. She's got this.

Hans: Ha! This is why women don't belong on the battlefield! They are incapable of battle-focus and are much weaker than men are!

Reika: Gee, you getting your list from the 'chauvanist pigs' handbook? >_<

Hans: I didn't miss one, did I? *reads* Lets see... Lack of batle-focus... not as strong as men... Aha! Shoudn't you be barefoot in a kitchen somewhere?! Can anyone back me up?

Porre Soldier that sounds like Will Farrell in 'Anchorman': It's AnchorMAN! Not AnchorLADY!

Glenn: Dude, I think the author's stealing material again...

Hans: Anything to say before I kill you?

Reika: Ummm, no.

Reika summuns a water spell. Hans becomes trapped in the resulting bubble and begins to float away.

Hans:

Reika gently blows a kiss to the apparent racist and sexist, causing the bubble to move faster.

Porre Soldiers: Captain! O_O

The soldiers retreat.

Hans: You haven't seen the last of meeeeeeeee-! *twinkle*

Schala: You know a character is a comic relief villain if they disappear in a freaking sparkle.

Lillith: Now that that's out of the way, how about we find a way to win this war, huh?

--------------------------------------------------------

Some time later, one of our characters has a dream...

Little Schala: Daddy! Where'd you go?

: .....

Little Schala: It's not funny. Janus just dirtied his diaper and mom told me to take care of it!

: *sigh* I hope this dream sequence isn't my only cameo...

*FLASH*

Young Schala: Daddy? Is all this gonna be mine some day?

: Depends on if your mother's diet changes from eating steak to eating kittens. That reminds me, I got a cat for your brother. How are his teachings?

Young Schala: His teachers say he can't cast worth shit. What does that mean?

:

*FLASH*

Schala: Father, I know Mother's been trying to beat her views on the Earthbound into us, but what about you?

: I think they're perfectly fine. They just need to catch up to us is all. We could teach them, but that would sort of break my philosophy...

Schala: Father...

: *sigh* Alright, alright. Maybe we can teach them the basics and have them go from there... >_>

Schala: ^_^

As we return to reality, Schala awakens in her bed, tears rolling down her cheeks at memories she cannot seem to grasp. She heads outside the base camp, staring at the moon.

Lark: Ahh, in just the corset again. The fanservice is strong in you.

Schala:

Lark: I just realized, this is our first real moment we've had alone together since Porre. Want to make something of it?

Schala: Is there a point to this? You aren't gonna win that bet.

Lark: Damn... >_<

Schala:

Lark: So what are you out here for...?

Schala: ....Nothing, I guess. That's all I can remember. I can see it in dreams, but that's about it. Once I wake up, everything's a complete blank...

Lark: .......

Schala: I wanna know... but for some reason, I don't wanna know. Does that sound strange to you?

Lark: Not so much. If you ask me, some things are better left forgotten.

Schala: What Lillith was saying a while ago, about Medina and the Mystic Purge...

Lark: .........

Schala: You were there, weren't you?

Lark: ....Yeah.

Schala: So I guess that's why you're out here, huh?

Lark: No matter how much I try... I just keep seeing friends, family, everything in between... dead. And that bastard....

Lark's fist clenches.

Lark: That bastard Dalton was laughing... He was laughing! 

Schala: Lark...

Lark: I've been through a lot of shit since then... honestly, I envy you.

Schala: Me?

Lark: There are times... plenty of times... To be frank, I'd give my left nut to be able to forget the past. But then, what would that mean to those that died...?

Schala: Forgetting... I don't think it would really take the pain away at all. There are times though... If I do somehow remember it all tomorrow, would I be able to stay as I am now? Or would I be someone else entirely? That thought kind of scares me.

Lark: .........

Schala: Lark...?

Lark: I'm gonna be completely honest with you right now... Can I trust you...?

Schala: What?

Lark: I need an answer! Can I trust you?

Schala: I don't understand, but yes...

Lark stares injto Schala's eyes for quite some time.

Schala:

Lark: I'm going to hold you to that.

With that, Lark begins the trek back to his quarters. Schala starts when he takes a look back.

Lark: I mean it! I'm going to hold you to that! *leaves*

Schala: ...............

---------------------------------------------------------

Another serious moment here. Sorry about that. What could this all mean? The only one who knows... is FaustWolf. And to be quite honest... I think he's already forgotten.

We close Act 1 in the next part! And it will be here that I start twisting the laws of the series, so stay tuned!

[alfadorredux]

: *sigh* I hope this dream sequence isn't my only cameo...

Magus: The author is referring to me as a squalling brat filling diapers, and he thinks he has things bad...

[skylark]

*God, I put in too many smilies. Oh well...*

The next day, our heroes are escorted back to Truce for an inpromptu briefing at the Magistrate's.

G: Well, back to the witch again, huh? I hope this'll be the last time...

Lillith: >_<

Cecille: What was that?

Glenn: Woah! The hell did you come from?!

Cecille: I'm a ninja... >_>

G: *snorts*

Cecille: >_<

Lillith: Can we please ask about the mission...?

Cecille: It's pathetic that she's the only one who has their head on straight... Anyway, spy intelligence indicates that an off-shore laboratory has surfaced between Truce and Choras. Apparently, Dalton has a secret weapon or something stored there.

Lark: And you want this weapon for yourself, I take it?

Cecille:

Schala: What he means is that there's no point letting Dalton keep it, right?

Lark: Sure...

Cecille: Y-yeah! That's exactly it! There's no plans whatsoever to use it to spread my undomitable will!

Lillith:

Cecille laughs nervously, but the looks she gets from the other tell her they aren't convinced.

Cecille: *shrieks* Dismissed!!

Schwann: Did anybody else's ears just pop...?

Reika: What...?

Schwann: >_<

--------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, an airship lands on said off-shore fortress. Dalton can be seen exiting the vehicle. All of a sudden, the screen goes dark, and only the Immortal King can be seen.

Disembodied Voice: How long are you going to dawdle...?

Dalton: I had to make sure of a few things. You were right. The last 'Seed' is here. The plans are already in place.

DV: Soon... very soon...

Dalton: Yeah yeah. You'll wake up, there'll be pandemonium and chaos, blahda-blahda-blahda, whatever. Just remember who set this all up for you.

DV: You're acting incredibly douchey today...

Dalton: Do you have any idea how it feels to lose respect for somebody you don't give a damn about in the first place? It's annoying when in the span of a few days, you demote a pissy excuse of a soldier twice!

DV: Cry me a river... >_<

Dalton: Just remember, once you're out, it's everybody for themselves.

DV: Whatever...

Soldier: Ummm, sir?

Dalton: >_O

Soldier: What was that disembodied voice?

Dalton: .............No witnesses! *attacks*

Soldier: (offscreen) Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! What are you doing?! Oh god, that doesn't bend that way!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Some time later, a bloodied body falls from the facility. A hidden boat and its seven passengers get splashed.

Reika: Wow, who did he piss off?

Lark: Alright, roll call. Everybody here? Green innate.

Glenn: Here.

Lark: White innate? Black?

Lillith: Here...

G: Hmm.

Lark: Yellow? Blue?

Schwann: Here... but why are we doing this again?

Reika: Here!

Lark: We're doing this cause the author forgot to list everybody's element allignment. That reminds me. Schala, what's your Innate again?

Schala: Ummmm, I don't have a specific one...

Schwann: That's impossible.

G: ................

Lark: We'll figure it out later. Let's go.

The operation begins. The group duck and crawl behind some boxes past the watchtowers.

Glenn: *walking like Groucho Marx* That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard... *taps cigarette*

Schala: I don't think sight gags work in a fanfic.

Glenn: >_<

The group eventually makes their way inside.

Schala: So where are we supposed to find this thing?

Reika: I say we just break everything until we find it.

Lillith: And what if we break what we're looking for?

G: Do we even know what it looks like?

Lark: Bahh! Just push forward and sort out the rest later.

Schala: ..........

Schwann: You alright?

Schala: I... just got a bad feeling...

---------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, somewhere else...

Rupert: Hey, that's a Porre cargo vessel. Raid it!

Radical Dreamer: Already done.

Rupert: WTF? That was quick.

RD 2: Wonder what's inside?

RD: Let's crack this open.

They open the cargo. Inside...

RD: Holy shit... What is it...?

Rupert: That, my friend... is what they call a plot device.

Standing atop a nearby tree, a figure witnesses this particular event...

------------------------------------------------

Back to our heroes...

Schala:

Lark: Schala...?

Schala suddenly bolts in a random direction.

Reika: What is it girl? You find something?

Glenn: Timmy trapped in the well again?

Lark: Hey, get back here!

They come across a long hallway. Schala seems to be long gone. Waiting in the middle of this hall, however...

Dalton: Well well well. What do we have here?

The 'Kill Bill' assassination music plays as soon as Lark meets Dalton's gaze.

Lark:

Schwann: Okay, this is unexpected...

Lillith: Forget about him for now! We've got a missio-

Lark runs full steam at Dalton.

Lillith: Son of a- >_<

Lark: For SPAAAAARTAAAAAA!!!!!

Lark gives all he has in a single punch. But surprisingly, the Chrono series' biggest blowhard shrugs it off like it was nothing.

Lark:

Dalton: Sorry. I need to detain you for a bit. Your friend needs a bit more time for... recollection.

Reika: Could you... be more vague?

Dalton smacks Lark, sending him flying into the others. A bowling strike is heard.

Lark: Deja vu... O_O

Dalton:

----------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Schala finds herself in a large chamber.

Schala: This is gonna suck. I know this is gonna suck.

The sound of heavy breathing can be heard. Schala inches her way to a large glass tube. She peers inside... only to jump back in shock at the creature inside.

Schala: Wait... it looks kind of weak...

All it seems to look like is a pale tri-sectioned beak connected by a series of tubes floating in fluid. However, Schala begins holding her head in pain.

Schala: Oh god! The Numa-Numa Song! Not the Numa-Numa Song!!

Lavos: *cries out*

Schala:

Schala's resulting scream can be heard throughout the facility.

--------------------------------------------------

Dalton: Well, that went better than I expected. Seeya, losers!

The Immortal King disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Glenn: That sounded like Schala...

Lark: Dammit!!

Lark bolts down the hall into the large chamber. The door suddenly shuts and locks behind him.

Lark: That doesn't sound good... <_<

The room is dark. Sparks seem to be flying all over the place.

Lark: Alright, what would Sigourney Weaver or Ahhnold do...?

Lark sees claw marks embedded into the steel columns. Lark peers over the railing into what seems like a bottomless pit. He then sees the glimmer of something. He heads towards it.

Lark: Schala's swords...?

Lark continues looking around. He sees an glass tube. It is empty. However, there seems to be fabric around the base of it. Lark sorts through the torn cloth to realize that they seem to be what's left of Schala's clothing.

Lark: Schala...? You streaking in here...?

Immediately, he is attacked by an unknown assailant. Alien-like cries are heard as Lark can only see flashes of green.

Lark: What are you?! Where's Schala?!

The figure jumps down in front of him. There are long spines growing from the creature's back, arms, and legs. However, its facial and bodily features consist of those of an attractive female.

Lark: *cocks head to the side* Woah. When did we decide on a cross-over with Witchblade?

However, the abnormally long, spiky, teal blue locks and green, if enraged and maddened, eyes...

Lark: Oh... my... god...

Schala: *growls*

Lark: Schala...?!

Whatever Schala had turned into knocks Lark to the railing. With a roar, she stabs Lark with a clawed hand.

Lark: Worst... plot twist... ever...

At that moment, something, perhaps a memory, brought Schala back to her senses.

Schala:

Reeling from the shock, Lark falls over the railing, the last thing he sees is Schala's horrified face before succumbing to the darkness.

-----------------------------------------

A darkness that doesn't last too long as he wakes up.

Lark: In unimaginable pain, thank you. Does anybody have a Nostrum...? >_<

Lark looks around in this new area.

Lark: Okay, I'll go for a Capsule. Hell, I'll take a Tablet, even! *mutters* Things taste like shit, though. >_<

He stops when he comes across a glowing globe.

Lark: Okay, first Schala turns into a Witchblade cosplayer, now I'm staring at one of Helios' testicles. Did I happen to have any shrooms before the mission?

Suddenly, a crack appears on the globe.

Lark: Okay, okay, I get it! No more bad jokes, I swear!

The globes is eventually ripped apart. From it steps the figure of an imposing man with long white hair.

????: Free... Free at last!

Leathery wings burst from his back.

????: My time has come... to end the dream of this worthless planet!

The figure flies away to parts unknown...

Lark: And now I'm seeing Sephiroth... Yep. I... I think I'm done here... >_<

With that, Lark collapses from his injuries.

And this, my friends, marks the closing of Act 1.

[Katie Skyye]

LOL I have no idea what's going on! It's like a bad fanfic, but it's so obviously a parody--says it right there in the title, after all!

[FaustWolf]

Dude, so Sephiroth randomly appears in this, like he did in Advent Children? I'm gonna have to read this from the beginning now!

[skylark]

Faust: It isn't Sephiroth. I was going for the whole white-haired prettyboy villain cliche. Don't they all look like Sephiroth in the end?

Katie: Wait, you really think it's that bad?